So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

Here's some wife jokes,

My wife likes to dress sexy, so I'm told.
I asked my wife for a quicky, she said as opposed to what?
Do you talk to your wife during sex? Yeah, if I'm near a phone.
My wife says I can have sex any time I want, as long as I don't wake her.
Ever try rodeo sex? That's where your doin the wife from behind and you
whisper in her ear, "This is how your sister likes it"
Hang on tight 'cause she's gonna throw ya.
I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, I drink 'til she looks good, then I go home.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

 

two coins add up to 30 cents.

one of them is not a nickel

what are they?

-j

 

A quarter and a nickle.

 

So the Sherrif is at the scene where the bus with the lawyers went over the cliff....
There's a farmer there and a wrecked bus, but no lawyers.
Where's them lawyers asks the sherrif.
I buried them says the farmer.
You certain they was all dead asks the sherrif?
Farmer says Well one said he wasn't, but you know how they lie!

 

A 12 year old boy is sitting on his front porch.
Up drives a nwew Cadillac.
Where's yer pop, says the driver?
Why? asks the kid.
Cause I'm gonna sell him a Cadillac! That's what I do.
We don't need any, says the kid, we got too many now.
Show me , says the Caddy salesman.
The kid takes him over to the barn and there are about 2 dozen shiney Caddys there of all sorts.
The kid says I win them from you Caddy guys. I bet you your choice from here against another new one I can do something you can't do!
The salesman looks at this scrawny 12 year old and accepts the bet. He figuers he cannot lose to this wimpy little boy.
The kid says follow me and runs outta the barn. The salesman follows.
The kid runs around the barn three times. So does the salesman.
The kid runs into the house and up the stairs with the salesman right behind.
The kid runs into a bedroom where there is his luscious 18 year old sister is lying nekkid on the bed. The sales man follows.
The kid runs around the bed 3 times. The salesman follows.
The kid sits on the bed and fondles his sisters titty. The salesman sits and fondles the other titty.
The salesman looks over and sees the kid has his weinie out and has it wrapped around his finger. The salesman says would you like a 2-door or a 4-door?

 

A farmer from Maine walks into a lawyers office and says.. I wanna d'vorce mah wife
lawyer; You got any grounds?
farmer; Yep, got farty acres up near Clahksburg
lawyer; No no, Do you have a case?
farmer; Nope ah got a John Deere.
lawyer; No, I mean do you have a grudge?
farmer; Nope, grage burnt down, that's why I got a John Deere.
lawyer; NO NO, you don't understand! Is your wife a nagger?
farmer; Nope, she's ah white girl but she's fuckin a nagger and that's why I want a divorce

 

and here is the guilty party..... bubbles

 

What kind of file do you use to make small holes bigger? - - a pedophile-

 

What do you call an amish man with his arm up a horses ass? A mechanic.

 

A guy walks into the bar and sez to the bartender "I'm celebrating my first blowjob! gimme 3 shots of whiskey" bartender sets the drinks down, and the guy quickly flushes all 3. The bartender sez "I guess the first shot was to celebrate the blowjob, but what about the other 2?" Guy sez " the last 2 were to get the taste outta my mouth"...

 

An elderly man goes into the doctors office for a check-up. The doctor, says after the exam. "I have nothing but bad news." The ol' man looks slightly saddened and asks. "What is it?" "You have cancer", says the doctor. Looking distraught, the doctor slowly adds, "and Alzheimers disease." The ol' man shrugs his shoulders. "Well that aint bad, at least it's not cancer!"

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

What's Blue and Comes In Brownies?



Cub Scouts.

-Brad

 

What's green and smells like pork?

 

A chinese guy and his wife, fresh off the boat, move to America and decide to start a family.

Nine months later the wife gives birth. The father gets mad at the wife, saying: "We in America now! Why you have Chinese baby? You supposed to have white baby!"

Nine months after that, she gives birth again. He says again, "Why you always have Chinese baby? We Americans! We need white baby!"

Finally, frustrated, the father goes to a fertility clinic and tells the doctor: "Wife and me have sex, and she always have chinese baby! We need white baby to be real American!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, sir, but two Wongs don't make a white!"

 

since the Holloween costume idea thread got closed, after reading this I am seriously thinking of getting 2 buddies and dressing as a rabbi, a priest, and a ___. Then just hanging out at bars all night. thats gotta be worth a few drinks at least!

This one was told to me by a Scottish friend, and he played it off really serious which made it even more funny...

Keith: "One time i was in this huge barfight."
Me: "Really!?"
Keith:"Yeah it was crazy...It was 2 against 10"
Me:"Man, what happened?"
Keith: "Yeah, those 2 bastards never showed their face in that bar again!"

hahahaha.

 

Another chinese guy and his wife making passionate love, the husband yells "69, 69" Wife says.. Why you want beef and broccoli now??

 

A guy walks into a psychatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap. "Doc, ya gotta help me, I don't know what's wrong with me !!!!!!
The shrink replies "I can clearly see your nuts !".

 

Guy goes into a shrinks office. The shrink says, "May I help you?"

The guy says, "I'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam, i'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam, I'M A TEEPEE, I'M A WIGWAM."

The shrink says, "Relax. You're too tents."

 

this is great! 8 pages of really crappy jokes,....... and Ryan hasnt closed this sucker yet! What a great way to HAMB it up! Yes puns are my short fall!
R.R.

 

whats the difference between Jesus and a mexican?

Jesus doesnt have pictures of mexicans tattooed all over him.


Did you hear they discovered that diareah is genetic?

yeah it runs in your jeans

haha

 

RETIREMENT:
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting. Well, for
example, the other day I went downtown and went into
a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and
when I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come
on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break"? He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him another name." He
finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the
bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on
had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I
try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important to my health.

 

Three strings walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "hey, you strings get out of here, we don't serve your kind".

They try another bar, same deal. "Hey you strings get out of here".

After the same thing at the next few bars one of the strings is pissed. "This ain't gonna happen again" he says.

So he reaches up to one of his ends an starts unravelling himself and walks into another bar.

Bartender looks him over and says " hey, aren't you a string?" to which he replies, "Nope, frayed knot!"

 

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

 

A man is driving down a country road and sees a sign... pigs for sale... so he stops and Bubba staggers over and asks... can I help you?...the man says ...why yes I want to buy a pig about 100 lbs...so he grabs a pig and puts the tail in his teeth and holds his arms straight out to balance and says ...99 lbs...the man was shocked and did not believe it and said... you know do you have someone else that can weigh it?...sure.. said Bubba and yelled hey Daddy come here and weigh this pig...so his Pappy grabs the pig puts the tail in his teeth and holds his arms out to his side and says 98.5lbs...the man was shocked so he tells Bubba ...one more time and I will buy it...so Pappy tells Bubba to go get his Momma and weigh the pig and Bubba says... no she is busy right now weighing the post man!!!!!!!!!

 

FUCKIN EXCELLENT!!!

 

SO there are these two midgets and they decide that they want to go out and buy some hookers and adjoining hotel rooms to celebrate, so the hookers show up and hooker one goes with midget a and hooker 2 goes with midget b. In the room midget b can not get wood to save his life, and to make matters worse all hes hearing from the other room all night is HERE I COME AGAIN ONE......TWO..........THREE.........AHHHHEHHHAHHGGGGGGAHHHHH
so the next morning after the hookers leave the midgets come out side midget a looks at midget b and asks him how it went midget b says man it was so embarrassing, i couldn't get wood to save my life! Midget a looks at B and says you think thats embarrassing, I couldn't even get on the bed!!!!

BTW did you hear about the gay midget, finally came out of the cupboard.

 

So this elderly couple celebrates their 50th annv. in the same room they had their honeymoon. After the day's activities the wife comes from the bathroom in a shear night dress and asks her husband, "What were you thinking in this room 50 years ago?" The husband says, " I wanted to suck yer tits dry and screw you stupid." Blushing and flattered the wife says, "Well, what are you thinking now?" The husband looks her over and says, "I'm thinkin I did a pretty good job!"

 

This middle aged guy gets home from work, and his girlfriend is packing all of her stuff up into her suitcases.

The guy said "honey, why are you packing your stuff up, whats going on??"

She said "I'm leaving you-I found out today that you are a pedophile"

He says "pedophile-hmmm. thats a pretty big word for a twelve year old........"

 

A guy calls home to his wife and tells her he just hit the big powerball lottery. "Pack a bag" he tells her. "Wow, where am I going" she asks? He says "I don't care just be gone before I get home!"

CHAZ