funny things to say, words you use

"hand me that "god dammit" (when you can't think of what the damn thing is called)

"cool beans"

"it's like a piston shifter with flames painted on it" (clichéd...times 2)

 

# 9 is great ..I'll use that

 

"how was dinner baby?" Oh it was luscious and lumpsious.

 

guess i'm old school. i like fuck it or fuck that. my wife doesn't like the word, but hey, fuck her!

 

another of dads "He's useless as tits on a duck"

 

as usefull as a screen door on a submarine
as bright asa 10 what apliance bulb

 

my dad would always say....

"you don't know shit from butter" or "you don't your ass from a hole in the ground.



i always hated this one as a kid....

"stop crying before i give you something to cry about."

 

good one

 

Tougher than a boiled owl
Going totally ape shit
Shut up that God damned whinin' or I'll give you somethin' to whine about!!!
Tighter than a bulls ass in fly season

 

You couldn't fabricate a sandwich...

Slicker than snot on a doorknob (grampa's...where the hell it came from??)...

Wouldn't hold sour owl shit (grampa again)...

Shiverin like a dog shittin razorblades...

Hotter than the hinges of hell ( I tell that to my wife when shes dressed up).

 

All humped over like a dog fuckin' a football---
Wouldn't pay a nickel to see Christ ride a bicycle down mainstreet
Stuck up in the air like a preachers dick on Sunday morning

 

my pops says ...its like a sore dick you can't beat it!!!!!!!

 

#2
#3
both excellent

 

All slicked up like a shithouse rat (somebody (male) all dressed up and ready to go courting)

He wouldn't say shit if'n his mouth was full of it (someone who never curses)

This'll grow hair on a frog!!! (good moonshine whiskey)

Deader than a doornail

Meaner than a cut cat.

So damn high it needs a hinge on top to let the moon go by---

Hung like a donkey--

Hurrying like his pants were on fire and his ass was catchin'

Busier than a cat covering shit on a tin roof---

 

To be 'clean' in front of my kids I usually call someone I dislike a 'peckerwood.'

My 11 year old corrected me a few years back when he was 8 or 9 and said 'Daddy, I think you mean a wood pecker.'

Who can argue with that?

I did explain to my 13 year old what FUBAR was and then told him if he repeated it and his mother found out how he learned it, HE'D get beat like a red headed stepchild. He just looked at me because he IS a red head! He said, mom would know.

 

That Mexican food when through him like goose shit through a tin horn.

WTF? My aunt.

 

I had the diarrhea so bad I could "shit through the eye of a needle at 100 paces"

 

Slicker than a greased doorknob.
Dumb as a stump.

And if some one asks me "How you doin?" I'll probably say "Fair to middlin."

 

reminds me of the last time i ate those go-go taquitos at 7-11...

 

My Dad says when were having some beers ( heres to the bottom the hell with the top if it wasnt for the bottom we wouldnt have a drop)

 

"Listen to me again as I know I spoke slowly and in English"

To my wife on a regular basis:"If you were my employee I would have fired your ass a long time ago"

 

You couldn't find your ass in the dark with both hands.

 

and here all the time I thought it was "a monkey fucking a football"

 

nummer than a popcorn fart
cleaner than a cats ass

 

My excuse for just about everything is...

I forgot, I've slept since then...

and

Make it shine like a diamond in a goats ass

 

Harder than the Devils horn.

Are your legs painted on? (response to your kid who has just asked you to get up and get him something he could have got up and done himself)

 

"He/she/it is about as useful as a sore dick" (like, not very useful).

"What are you, the sidewalk superintendant?" (say it to the guy who hangs around passing comments while you're working on your ride, putting up a shed, kissing your girl etc.).

"Go peddle your papers!" (What you say to the sidewalk superintendant if he doesn't move along fast enough).

 

Ah, old school sayings!

Mother...

"That's better'n snuff!" (her mother dipped, though she never did!)
"Act like you've got some sense!"

Daddy...
"Everything's copacetic!"

And an old song he sang...

"Well, the ol' cow died,
Fell in the branch.
The junebugs whistled
And the maggots danced!"

Brothers...
"Gag a maggot!" (generally when someone 'let one')
"Do you have fever with those fits?" (when somebody did something goofy)
"Were you dropped as a child?" (equals "That's a bad idea.")

 

Six in one, half dozen the other.

Meaning both the same. Thought this was universally known, but i've talked to more who don't know it.

 

Your'e ass is cracked but your legs ain't broke.