funny things to say, words you use

When my kids give me shit about something, I hold one hand at my mouth and the other one at my crotch and tell them "it's all your Mothers fault (my ex-wife) that you were only this far (distance between hands) away from being a blow-job. It usually ends the issue with a good laugh!

 

And when we screw something up at work, I usually ask "How many monkeys does it take to fuck a football?"

"Verbose" usually gets peoples attention ..................... most are clueless, the rest can't believe I just said verbose. I like using obscure words

"Like stickin' a wet noodle up a cat's ass" for something hard to do.

"dryer than a popcorn fart"

"It's like a sore dick; don't fuck with it"

"Strong as an ox and just as smart"

"Ya duckin' fummy"

"Up to my ass in alligators"

"A few sandwiches short of a picnic"

"Way to go, Phuom Duc"

I got a million of 'em.

Tim D.

 

Slower than Molasses in January.

 

"I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to (insert mundane task here)"

"Well, that is the 2nd time I have been wrong. The 1st time I thought I was wrong, and I wasn't"

"Why are you asking me I don't fucking work here" (when asked the location of something in a store/restaurant/etc)

"This IS my caring face"

"Want me to draw you a picture" (for those slow to comprehend)

"When I want your opinion I will give it to you (and optionally, beat it out of you)"

"If it was a snake it would have shot you" (for something hiding in plain sight)

"I am sorry, I couldn't hear you, I didn't have my glasses on"

 

the wheel is spinning but the hampster's dead...

fuckin her would be like throwing a hot dog in a 5 gallon bucket!

 

"It's like a sore peter, you just can't beat it."

"It's harder than a honeymoon peter."

 

"flakier than a lepar colony"

 

passed on from fathers, or friends fathers...passing judgement on something, "about as worthless as tits on a boar hog" someone that is confused, "he didn't know whether to run, shit, or go blind" or the classic "running around like a headless chicken" if you are in a hurry, "about as busy as a one-legged man in an ass kickin contest"..If someone looks like they don't know what they are doing "you look like a bear cub playin with its peder"..when you sneeze you say bullshit as you sneeze, when you burp you say Oldsmobile as you burp, could take a beer or two..after about three I can say Nelson D. Rockefeller....

 

man their where so many around my house, like, uglier than a mud fence full of mud dobbers, i used to ask how something was coming, like hows it coming,he would say, mostly by hand.. mom and dad would play alot of cards,so one would say the sadest words i ever spoke, deal around me boys iam broke...

 

if a dog had a square ass you would have a walking brick factory

 

just heard this on mythbusters..."that's the most wrongety wrong thing we've ever done!"

 

He's tighter than a Crabs Ass, and that's waterproof.

Dumber than a sack of Polocks

BB

 

Your as usefull as tits on a boar.

She's the hammer!

Do your best, I dont expect much!

Do something! even if its wrong!

 

1. Said about a stupid guy, ".....He doesn't have the sense God gave a duck".
2. "Well Helloooo Betty!"
3. "I don't think so Tim......"
4. To someone angry or sad, "Who pissed in your oatmeal?"

 

My late father used to use this one when someone would be say" IF this happened or if that happened.....etc"

" If? If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle"

cracked me up! Stu

 

She's so ugly I wouldn't screw her with YOUR dick!

 

Here's a few...

Smaller than an gnat's ass (small as a mofo)

runs like a stripped ass ape (fast)

when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert (never gonna happen)

want me to milk the cow while im at it? (when some one tells you to do a bunch of shit)

my dad used to always tell me "if I had a dollar for every time you fucked up, I'd be a millionaire"

like an ashtray on a motorcycle (dumb idea/useless)

built like a brick shithouse (strong)

If it werent for bad luck, I wouldnt have any luck at all

that'll fly like a lead zepplin (won't work)

It'll never fly Orville (won't work)

or if you call someone "billy badass" because they act like they are one but they're really not

 

"Boy, If I say that chicken will pull a freight train then you damn well better hook em up. "

"She's got legs just like I like em, feet on one end, pussy on the other."


by a lineman who calls himself Cracker

 

I've had the good fortune of growing up around a group of guys that used a shit load of these sayings...

I have my favortes... many of which are posted above...

I use "It's like a sore dick, you can't beat it" most often...

Some other classics...

"She can stand flat foot and shit in the back of a dumpster" for a tall woman.

And "Im so hungry I could eat the ass hole out of an orangutang!"

Then... from dad:


"If it was a snake it would of bit ya'"


I just have fun with them when I can...

Sam.

 

"The strip was slicker than greased owl shit, so I was burnin' rubber like a junk dealer. All of a sudden, I caught traction, and the whole thing shook like a dog shittin' peach pits."

For fine hineys:
"Did you see the shitter on that critter?!!"
"Niiiice turd-cutter!"

My father always had an answer for everything.
When somebody offered him food:
"Naw, it just gets in my mouth."

Q: How are you?
A: Better than nuthin'... or at least that's what she says.

Q: How's it goin?
A: Any better and I just couldn't stand it.

Q: You want another beer?
A: Might as well be drunk as the way I am.

And any time he saw somebody he knew, and couldn't remember their name:
"Hey, Lucky!"

My roommate's pickup line:
"Spit, swallow or dodge?" (It actually worked half the time, but we lived in Chesapeake, a really slut-rich environment at that point.)

 

But have you ever "Knocked em in the Creek" Ha... Big Dad You where there! You explain.

 

When someone asks ya how yer doing,Fair to midland!

A wise monkey never monkeis with another monkey's monkey!

If 'IF' was a 5th,we'd all be drunk!

I'd rather lick a cats ass!'my late great dad would say that all the time when he's rather not do somthing'

Well fuck me with a limber dick 'this old biker dude i played guitar with said this all the time when he was amazed about somthing'

Well shit fire & save the matches!

Well I'll be a monkey's bare assed uncle!

I'd soon drink terpintine and piss on a brush fire than help you!

Like a midgit at a urinal,I'm always on my toes!

 

My buddy said to me earlier- Damn it man your always late...So my reply was 'So is my rent but i'm 'Thankful' the wife isnt!!'

 

If I gotta go real bad:

"I gotta piss like a RACE HORSE!"



An old guy I used to work with used to recite this limerick every time he'd see me squatting down on a little stool working on a machine:

"There he sits
broken hearted
paid to shit
but only farted ---- The Scotchman's Lament"



Confucius say: Man with hole in pocket will play with nuts.

 

if someone asks if you want a beer

"mans not a camel"

hungry.

"I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck"

useless.

'your about as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition"

is someone parks way out from the curb

'no thats fine I can walk the the footpath from here'

some crunches the gears

"cant find 'em, grind 'em"

or

'thank god their in a box'

is someone is taking their time doing something ( for me usually waiting for the person in front to turn onto a road

'what are you waiting for? a written invitation?"

"your about as much use as tits on a bull"

"shes got a face like a busted potato"

"she was so ugly, I had to chew my arm off to leave"

'cant make chocolate out of shit"

" hes a few kangaroos short in the top paddock"

"cant make a silk purse out of a sows ear"

this is my mothers, for when your sitting down and its time to get to work

"This wont get the twins a pusher"

"thats a bit "hows your father'"

"thank your mother for the rabbits"

'stone the crows"

after your finished having sex roll over and say

"put a fork in me , I'm done" reference to a sausage on the bbq

"flat out like a lizard drinking"

"hes to slow to keep worms in a tin'

'mate, hes the worlds first living brain donor" ( blokes not too bright"

'he couldnt organise a pissup in brewery"

or my fav

'he couldnt orgaise a root in a brothel with a fist full of $50's"

going to take a dump

"going to drop the kids off at the pool"

'he must have two dicks, he cant be that stupid from just pulling one"

' got you by the short and curlies'

not the sharpest tool in the shed.

'bout as happy as a bastard on fathers day'

more arse than class

as dry as a dead dingo's donger ( need a drink)

built like a brick shithouse

he couldnt fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

'are your ears painted on?"

or " are your eyes painted on"

'bout time you got a new pair of glasses.

if someone is looking for something and its right in front of them

" if it was a dog it would have bit you!"

'I've seen better heads on a piss trough"

going somewhere

"im off like a terrified turtle"

"im off like a bucket of prawns in the sun'

'your about as useful as pockets on a singlet"


'as happy as a pig in a puddle'

'like a rat up a drian pipe'

heading off somewhere for the night

'off like a brides nighty'

usually in reference to yanky beer.

'bit like sex in a canoe' ( fucking close to water)

bumnut ( egg)

dog and bone ( phone)

hit the frog and toad ( road)

i'm as crissed as a picket ( pissed as a cricket)

time to head to the rub adub dub ( pub)

jsut a few...

 

Useless cunt.


Someone who really isn't very much use.

 

My wife just asked me why I was laughing, decided not to try to explain...

A few more.

Face like a blind cobblers thumb - Ugly

Tits like a roofers nailbag - self explanatory

She's got three belly buttons- saggy tits

you dont look at the mantel when you are poking the fire

as much use as a chocolate T Pot/fire guard

Cant see the wood for the trees

When the young kids really piss you off " Shut the Front Door"

Loads more but that will have to do for now.

 

Tighter than a frog's ass

You tightened that like a mother bear: extremely tight bolt

Hotter than the hinges of hell

Bastardly hot

Crooked as a dog's hind leg

like pushing a car up hill with a rope

according to Hoyle...

dumb as a box of rocks

That paint job's got more curtains than Jo Ann Fabrics

That bodywork looks like a coffee can full of rocks

Sounds like two skeletons F--king on a tin roof : nosiy lifters

And the # 1.."This is like wiping your ass with a hoop...." Ie: the same shit keeps coming around/ neverending job

 

i was drunker than three indians
drunker than three hundred dollars
harder than woodpecker lips

Randy