funny things to say, words you use

"Ain't laughed so hard since the dog bit the preacher's pecker" -that's a old Arky sayin'

 

Can't believe I read the whole post.....but here's a couple I didn't see.

Father used to tell me he was "going to jerk a knot in my ass"

"easy as nailin' Jello to a tree"

"its been so long since I ate, I'm fartin' fresh air"

and on getting a blow job from a girl with braces....
" like fuckin' a hole in a screen door"

 

Did anyone bring up SNAFU yet?

My dad told me that " life is like a shit sandwich. Sometimes you get fed another bite."

Kinda' car related... I've heard MIG welders referred to as "manure spreaders". My friend Phil used to call bondo 'golf balls', since you put a 1" string of hardener out for each golf ball of bondo.

Temperature: "hotter than Hades", "hotter than the hubs of Hell"

Honesty: "crooked as scoliosis (stolen from Prison Break)", "he's so crooked, he has to screw his hat on".

One I heard somewhere here on the HAMB: "we were so poor we had to jerk the dog off to feed the cat."

-bill

 

Can't Understand Normal Thinkin

 

Stop drop and roll don't work in hell

Took off like a scalded cat

 

If a car is a piece of crap:
"It's got two wheels in the grave".



And one of my Dad's sayings:
"He ain't worth the powder it would take to blow him to hell."

 

My grandfather used to say "he's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with directions printed on the heel."

 

I'd rather put out a cigarette in my eye = i'd rather not

since God was a boy = since a long time ago

monkey fucking a football = not graceful

dumber that a box of hair = not smart

dumb as a fence post

useless as tits on a bull

can't make chickin soup out of chicken shit

 

from another HAMB'r :

"sounds like two skeletons funking in a trash can" = your engine seeks to have a slight knock.

 

Some from my grandad- "Everythings chicken but the gravy." , "You can't polish and turd cause it's still a piece of shit." and "Theres an ass for every saddle.".

 

Taking a crap...

I gotta..
"Drop a deuce"
"Drop the kids off at the pool"
"pinch a loaf"
"pinch one off"...(also can be used if someone is taking too long in the bathroom "Pinch it off man!")
"float the biscuit"

Favorites from dad...(some repeats)
neat: slicker n' ape snot
fast: runs like a raped ape
anything that breaks: chicken shit
disbelief: horseshit
lazy: Useless as tits on a boar hog
I either need a frontal lobotomy or a bottle in front of me
all done, time to go: frizz'em fraz'um frizz'um fro...time for this one to go home (underdog)
project starting to get complicated: "and the angle of the dangle times the mass of the ass..."
just to name a few

 

"If you put his brain in a Hummingbird, the bastard would fly backwards."

"If flies had BB guns, the frogs wouldn't F##K with them."

 

Heard quite a few of these growing up
High school shop teacher use to allways say slicker then snott on a glass doornob, and my dad said a quite a few already listed
I always heard red on the head like the tip on the dick of a dog
Some I haven't seen
Your so short when you fart you blow sand in your shoes
She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
your cruisin for a bruisen
Do you want a knuckle sandwitch
If I wanted any lip out of you, i'd scrape it off my zipper
And when at bars, freinds rating chicks walking by, a decent one, shes about a six pack
An uglier one, thats a caser and I still wouldn't fuck her with your dick, or nothing a grocery bag won't fix, or just shove her head in the pillow.
Girl with braces, black and decker pecker wrecker.
I use to say fuckina a lot. One time a cute bartender came back with, no fuck a B its got two holes.
And when drinking, hammer hammer goddammer, stand up and slam er
Once you get past the smell, you've got er licked.

 

Who loves ya baby? (from Kojak)

Uglier'n homemade soap

black as a phone.

I never will forget whatshername.

My dad:
to a slow driver: Shit or get off the pot.
Hair like a god...goddam goat.

 

A few years back I was building a wing, I made a wiseassed comment and the owner of the car called me a smartass, to which I replied:

Who would ya rather have building your car, a smartass that knows what he's doing, or a dumbass that don't?

Here's another one, Are you a professional dumbass, or just a gifted amateur?

 

"Punchin' the Clown"

 

yelled when behind slow jackass on the road...IT'S THE LONG SKINNY ONE ON THE RIGHT!!!

 

"It's not a big one but it shoots like one"
"like eaten pussy once you get past the smell you got her licked "
"busyer then a one legged cat going to a ass kicking contest"
"huh hell pay attention"
"that boys ate up with dumbass"
" don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya"
" dumb as a box of rock at the bottom of a pond"

 

Fuck as a noun , verb or adjective is the most universal word in the English language. I use it many times daily as does my roommate, adult daughter and many folks that I know. What would we do without "I really fucked the pooch on this one", "You are one dumb (or smart) motherfucker", "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on", "Get thing fucking tranny off of my foot", "Hey Fucker!" as a greeting to a friend and many others. You need to educate your wife to the fact that "Fuck" is a good word..

Jan

 

"I'd do fat, I'd do ugly, but i wont do both!"

 

If you need a hot glue gun, start looking for something better

You're an asshole..."I never pretended I wasn't!"

Fuck you you fucking fuck.

something isn't working right? Get a bigger hammer.

Hammer = Tapometer

It is what it is....

had a girlfriend call me:
What are you doing?
"Playing Solitare"
Oh yeah, With WHO?

 

One of my dad's: would rather climb a ladder and tell a lie than tell the truth

One of mine: yea, I'm an ass hole, I've had lots of practice

Tag line below. Something I hear at every car show I go to. Mostly to me about my car, but often overheard by others too.

 

or two skeletons fucking on a hot tin roof

 

i have herd :his brain is so small, if you put it on the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a bb rolling down a four lane high way.

 

Dad always used to say when he was watching a girl with a cute ass walking, "Looks like 2 cats fighting in a gunny sack".

I wonder how many reading this have no idea what a "Gunny Sack"
is?

BB

 

Here is a few:
"Make sure your brain is engaged before putting your mouth in gear"
"don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you"
"Does a bear shit in the woods?"
"You look like the north end of duck flying south"
"Did your parents have any children that lived?"
"shot at and missed shit at and hit"

 

"Slicker than cum on a gold tooth"

 

My dog Ollie eats cat shit...I've seen that smile on him

 

A few more -

"You're so nervous and puckered up you couldn't pass a greased BB."

"Quit socking your butch." (same as punching the clown)

"Did your mom have any kids that lived?"

"You can polish a turd all day, but at the end of the day it's still a turd." (Dads favorite)

"Just do something, even if it's wrong." (for lazy employee)

"Give them the mother inlaw discount."

 

Didn't see it.

"If you can't nail it, screw it"