funny things to say, words you use

Well, jack me off with a breast pump!!!!!!!!!

 

this one may not be for everyone but i found it amusing, if you see a bunch of foreigners swimming in lake,ocean,pool, etc. you say "talk about water pollution..."

 

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=utIlNe7_VA0

 

the two i say the most are,

i dont give two squirts of piss
and
f**k em and feed em fish heads

 

ok... that kinda freaked me out..

 

I don't know if someone else as said this'' SHAKIN' LIKE A SHITTIN' DOG''

 

if u cant find it, grind it

 

'that car runs about like old people fuck, not too good'

talking about expensive stuff
'that's higher than giraffe pussy'

 

when you have the shits.. "I'm pissin out my ass"
heard this one the other day at work... when yousee a fine ass girl" she is so fine i'd suck her daddy's dick"

 

Starkel Starkel little twink..who the hell you are I think.
Im not as drunk as some thinkel pep I am
Desides Ive only had tee martoonies...and ive got all sober to sunday up in. i fool so feelish, I dont know who's me yet,,but the dunker i sit here the longer i get

 

A buddy of mine says She is so hot I would eat the corn out of her shit!

 

My balls on your jaws cuz I make the calls!

And I like to call my penis my "schwanz."

And when you get young girls in the sack you say that you "duped" her.

 

"What's up?"

"Hard dicks & helicopters, which one you ridin'?"

That was one of the best things I heard when I worked at an auto parts store!

 

<TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"><TBODY><TR height="100%" width="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on"><TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off">You remind me of a shit salesman with a mouth full of samples. Rags
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<TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100&#37;" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"><TBODY><TR height="100%" width="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on"><TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off">If bullshit were airplanes this place would be an airport. Rags
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she's as handy as a pocket on a shirt

 

" I'll be a fist f***ers uncle!!!!" one of my dad's, god rest his soul....he had a ton of 'em....

 

hotter than a fresh fucked fox in a forest fire

well ill be go to hell (when proven wrong)

put some "pipe dope" on it ( antiseize)

slicker than greased owl shit

colder than a well diggers ass pissing in montana facing south

harder than a 3 legged cat tryin to bury a turd on a frozen lake

funnier than an one legged ethiopian chasin a wheel of cheese downhill

 

A great friend of mine, the late Steve Seiersen always said of things he liked, "it's tits!"

In the Ozarks we say, "You'd rather jack off a mountain lion with a handful of cuckleburrs than to mess with me."

"I'll put a popknot on your head so high, a calf can suck it!"
"I'll put a popknot on your head so high, It'll need a separate haircut!"
"I'll put a popknot on your head so high, you can start a ring toss on it!"

I loved the shim quote, I shim way up regularly.
Me and the buddies used to drink Busch ponies, little busch's, we called them shrubs.

 

He has morals so low that he would have to get up on a step ladder to screw a rattlesnake.

She is so ugly that she would make a freight train take a dirt road.

Do hobby horses have wooden wieners?

Do bears crap in the woods?

When somebody asks me how I'm doing, I say " I'm the best in my price range"

When someone is bull shitting me, I use " You are pissing in my boots and trying to tell me it's raining.

We are going to fly inverted until you have some blood in your head. This is using the FSR instructional technique. ( FSR= fear, sarcasm and ridicule) That is when the guy should know something that is is basic as breathing.

Are you mechanically declined?

Are those ears PAINTED ON? ( My kids still tease me about that one.)

I'll bet that he spent 5 of the best years of his life in grade 6.

One of the finest minds to come out of the middle ages. ( It's not a compliment )

Bob

 

I forgot one:

Busier than a one legged paper hanger with a bad itch.

 

He's dumber than a bag of hammers.

Speaking of a poorly designed fighter, You can put two afterburners on a shit house and make it go supersonic.

Speaking about a guy that is doing a lousy job of driving or flying, Where do you keep those hands when your not using them, in the freezer?

 

I know judo

judo know how many knives I got
judo know how many friends I got
judo know how many guns I got

 

Say this to a pretty lady with big boobs, " Would you jump up and down for my friend?"

 

He was so poor that his mommy used to cut holes in his pockets so that he would have something to play with.

 

Going to the crapper
I'm going to make a four coiler
I'm going to build a chocolate kernel

 

At the Friar's Club Roast of Hugh Hefner, Gilbert Godfrey said "Hef's so old; his first condom was made out of bark."

My dad once said(refering to my crazy ass dog); "He ain't werf two cents, I'd trade him for a cat and drown the cat!" By the way, he loved that dog.

 

Wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.

So full of shit, he reminds me of a Christmas turkey.

 

And about her ugly friend you tell your buddy:

"I wouldn't fuck her with YOUR dick..."