Share your best automotive humor and stupid stories

Had an old guy here in town wanted the local body shop to take all the emblems off his truck so no one could tell what kind of truck it was. Same guy welded his tire iron to the side of his box so no one could hit him with it. He also put ten quarts of oil in his motor so it would go twice as far between oil changes...He's in the 'home' now......

 

Remember when electric drills only ran one way, reverse hadn't been invented?
I had one of those at home.

I had just gotten out of the Air Force and went to work in a shop. One day I borrowed an electric drill from a work-mate. It was in reverse, but I had been away and didn't know the new models had reverse. I drilled a hole, it took a while, and it smoked the drill bit. I was cussing the damned cheap drill bit when it was pointed out to me that I had it in reverse! I was so ate up with the dum-ass at the moment that I thought the guy was pulling my leg, I exclaimed they don't have reverse! I never lived that one down.

 

Rubber is non-conductive, same as plastic.

 

my buddy bought a nice 53 Chevy panel delivery "with wiring problems" cheap from a guy who was sick of trying to find out why it wound'nt crank. New battery, new cables, new starter, nothing worked. My buddy towed it home, first thing he did was pull the pos cable to check the battery, low and behold, a red protector cap. Pulled off the cap, replaced the cable and took the truck for a spin!

 

OK, I did saearch....
Your question is a frequent one. Many people have the impression that when batteries sit on concrete, energy "leaks out" or they are ruined. The short answer is that letting modern batteries sit on concrete does not harm or discharge them in any way.
However, this legend is historically based in fact. The first lead-acid batteries consisted of glass cells that were enclosed in tar-lined wooden boxes. A damp concrete floor could cause the wood to swell, breaking the glass inside.
The Edison cell (i.e. the nickel-iron battery) that preceded the rubber-cased battery was encased in steel. Those that weren't isolated in crates would discharge into concrete quite easily. Later battery cases used primitive hardened rubber, which was somewhat porous and could contain lots of carbon. A moist concrete floor combined with the carbon in the battery cases could create electrical current between the cells, discharging them.
None of this is a problem with modern batteries — safe in their hard plastic shells. In fact, concrete is generally an excellent surface on which to place a battery bank. The electrolyte in a battery sitting on an extremely cold floor with very hot air around it could stratify, causing damage from sulfation; whereas concrete provides good thermal mass to buffer any temporarily extreme temperatures in the battery compartment.

 

about 6 years ago I worked next to Gary, a Guy who thought he was a Top Notch mechanic and was really cocky. actually he was an idiot and fucked up so much stuff, I could make this thread ten pages long. anyway one day Gary got handed a mid 80's fullsize GMC van. It needed a new engine. Gary Kept braggin all day long how he was going to get this van done so much quicker than what it paid. He kept braggin even after he started putting the new engine in. after this point it was really hard for me to keep a straight face. because, unknown to him, he had made a critical error. since he was such a great mechanic, I didn't think it was necessary to alert him to the problem. So about noon the next day, the engine was completely installed and ready to be fired. Gary got behind the wheel and hit the key. you could hear the starter drive kick out and the starter just spin really fast. I will never forget the look on Gary's face when he looked over and saw that the flexplate was still bolted to the blown up engine he'd removed. A few weeks after this incedent gary was given the job of removing some broken exhaust manifold bolts in the head of a 454 in a medium duty truck. over the course of the afternoon Gary came and borrowed at least a half dozen Different drill bits from me. I happened to be laying on my creeper, and look over and antifreeze is pouring out of gary's truck, but he was still drilling away. I went over to take a look at what he had done, I was speachless. gary hadn't drilled into any of the broken bolts, but had drilled 4-5 holes in a circle around each of the broken off bolts. at least 4 of these holes had antifreeze running out of them. he explained to me, that they were "pressure relief holes" and that after drilling these, the broken bolts should "spin out real easy like". I walked away and kept my mouth shut until Gary left for the day. then I brought the service manger back to see the magic holes. the next morning Gary's toolbox was sitting outside when he showed up.

 

I drove a AAA tow truck for 10 years and a lot of car ignorant people have AAA so I've seen a lot of stupid things people do.
16 year old kid with dads brand new Ford, burned down in the driveway. The kid told me he was driving it ( without dad knowing) and the check engine light came on so he added a quart of oil. Started it, light is still on so he added another. He keeps this up till it finally runs out of the valve cover when he started it and caught on fire. In the garage floor there must of been 16 empty oil bottles. Dad showed up, was not happy to say the least, I'm sure his insurance company loved it too.
A guy decided to replace the u-joint in a lifted Dodge 4x4. No need for a jack, with the big tires and the lift it was easy to get under. Steep driveway, no blocks, no emergancy brake, just "park" holding it. He pops the driveshaft out, cops call me to extract the truck from the house across the street and an ambulance to haul his stupid ass to the hospital because of course he was lying behind the tire.
Then there was the 82 year old woman who called me for a jump start on her 70ish Impala. Took it appond herself (God bless her) to help me out and push the car out of the garage before I got there. When I got there she looked preety beat up and the car's stuck in the doorway with what was left of her drivers door folded around to the fender. Seems as soon as the rear tires hit her driveway the car took off, the open door knocking her down and dragging her till it hit the garage door frame. I admit I felt bad for her, real sweet old lady, kept apoligising for causing me the extra work.

 

Back during one of the original oil shortages, I got a line on an old Mercedes diesel sedan - a 190D. At the time I was commuting 120 miles a day, so the prospect of better fuel mileage made me take a look.

The owner told me that he had just had a new starter installed, but that the car needed a new transmission as it was slipping badly. I took a look under the hood, and then started haggling with him over the price.

We settled on a pretty good number - he knew what a tranny rebuild on that car was going to cost. I paid him and he asked when I was going to have a tow truck take it away.

I said 'nah, I'll just drive it'. He stood there with a dumb look on his face as I reached under the hood to reconnect the transmission kick-down rod that connects to the throttle linkage. This rod ran around the starter, and when they replaced the starter they knocked the rod loose.

I snapped the linkage back on, started it up and drove away. I still remember the look on that guys face in the rear view mirror as I drove away.

 

Had a friend that got a new 94 S-10 for a graduation present (nice truck 4.3 ex-cab) that got low on brake fluid one day, so he added some...well fluid anyway.

He learned that transmission fluid doesn't interchange. $2200.00 later he could stop his truck again. This was in 96 or 97 and everything was repaced, from master, ABS, all lines etc.

Funny part was I bought the truck in 99 for $2750.00.

 

When I was in high school I got a part time job at Trim line auto accessory store in Peoria Illinois. We put in sunroofs,alarms,window tint and those fake ragtops. We had a Pimp come in and he wanted a fake convertible top for his Goolie. I asked him what kind of a car he has and he replied a Pontiac Goolie. I told him they never made a car called a goolie. Well we went outside to look at his car and it was a Pontiac 6000le. He left.

 

A new mechanic at the shop I worked at finished work on one of the trucks and asked how much oil to put in it, we told him 5 gallons. He put 5 5 gallon cans in it and proceeded to back out of the shop, of course that filled the engine to the valve covers and when it built up a little crank case pressure the engine erupted like mount saint hellens. What a mess.

 

Back in the 80's I went to a used car lot that was owned by a friend of mine to look at a pontiac T/A he had for cheap. It needed some work and he just wanted to move it, so he offered it to me for a deal.

Anyway, the weather was nice, and we just sat there chatting when this late 70's-early 80's model Cadillac comes rolling onto the lot. It's backfiring and running like crap. The guy who owned the car lot [Gary] sees it comming, and shakes his head and says "Oh crap!".

Keeping in mind, this was the mid 80's, you just have to picture the scene. Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean" was blasting out of the Caddy's sound system at levels far beyond the speakers abilities to handle the power from the add-on amp. The car comes to a stop, and out steps an African American guy who was dressed to the full tilt in 80's fashion acessories... Zipper red leather jacket, parachute pants... It was hillarious.

So this guy comes up to Gary, and tries to get nasty with him. He says, "Maaaan, I done spent $600 on dis car, and it still run like shit". Gary tells him that he sold it to him as-is because it needed a new carburetor, but the guy just keeps on about the $600 he spent, and "da car still run like shit"

So Gary asks him exactly what he did for $600, and he replies "I got the new chrome rims, I got the windows tinted, I got the amp for the stereo, and 'da new seat covers... And it still run like shit!!!"

It's all I can do to keep a straight face, so I walk away while gary continues to argue with the guy that it will never run right untill he replaces the 300 carburetor, and no amount of chrome and window tinting will inprove the engines performance, but "Homie" aint buying it, he gets really frustrated and starts threatning and cussing.

Eventually, he leaves. The car backfires and sputters as it pulls off, and you can hear "thriller" being played for several seconds as he drives down the street.

A couple months later, I see the car for sale on a street corner with $750 in the windshield. I told a guy at work about the car, and he buys it, puts a $40 junkyard carb on it, and drove it for several years trouble free.

 

my son had a mitsubishi pickup that had an itermittant dying problem. he used to keep a can of starting fluid in the truck to help get it running again. one day he decided he didn't want to disconnect the air cleaner at the intake (fuel injected) and squirted it into the air intake forward of the aircleaner. When he turned it over, the truck backfired and blew the air cleaner top off and all you could see was a flaming filter flying thru the air. I still tease him about it.

 

I was doing my first tune up on my own(dad always used to do them) on my truck. Had an overcarb'd 383' stroker in my truck with an MSD probillet dist. The cap on it is the same size as a points style GM cap without the window in it. Nobody stocked one so I simply put on a points style cap for a temporary cap. Did the plugs(angle plugs are a PITA w/ shorty headers!), wires, cap, oil change and started fuckin' with the Holley. Truck was running, and I get the carb cleaner out. Sprayed down the throttle bore just as the twin 16" electric fans kicked on. The spray blew back and sucked up in the distributor cap thru the adjustment window. Do I have to finish this story????

Anyway, after I put the fire out(didn't have my extinguisher handy and my ex had locked the back door of the house when she went out) and surveying the damage, I called dad up who promptly called me a dumbass stupid f'n jagoff. After he was done verbally kickin' my ass for being stupid, he brought over an old AFB, some plug wires and a few other things to get my truck running for me. 16 years later, he still brings it up...

 

They did, and that's why they are in so much bad shape today..

 

guy i used to work with at a pontiac dealer walks over to my bay one day and says, 'hey, take a look at this caliper would ya, i can't get the piston back in'[after a 1/2 hour or so of messing with it], so i walk over, take a look, and start laughing like a hyena[sp?], he had the piston in backwards, soon as i started laughing, he realised what he had done.

another guy [that i work with now] rolls a car in to put snow tires on it, puts it in the air, and puts the snows on the front, drives it out, hands in the RO and keys. about 10 minutes later, he brings it back in and puts it in the air, and rotates the tires. seems the customer went out to get in the car and realised his new snow tires were on the front of his rear wheel drive car. we all laughed like hell over that one.

 

Back in the 60's I worked at my Dad's Amaco Gas Station in Hicksville New York. A guy came in and bought a quart of oil to put in his Renault. That model had the Radiator, and Oil fill close to each other. You guessed it, he put the oil in the wrong fill hole.

 

I had a good friend working for me he never really worked on cars much .I asked him if he could switch out my rear rims to the new set .He told me no problem . Checked on him he was finished but he put the acorn lug nuts on up side down and galled up the rims .It was hard but all I could do was smile I still give him a hard time about it.My 2 cents

 

Back in the 60's when I was young and stupid and hung out with guys equally as stupid we were sitting around talking about car wrecks. So any way one of my buddies who is really not to bright and has sucked down several beers says "I wonder what would happen if he drives his VW into the back of the K-Mart building at 30 mph". We were all pretty drunked up by then so we encourage him to go ahead and try it. So here he goes- he backs up about 100 feet from the building and takes off. Needless to say the crash did a lot of damage to the VW and a lot more damage to Wally. We had to call an ambulance and a wrecker to take care of the carnage. Wally survived, the VW didn't. Needles to say we didn't have to wonder what would happen if you drove a car into a brick building at 30 mph after that. Craziest thing I was ever involved in.
Later,
Dick

 

About 15 years ago I worked as a serviceman for a pump comapny in a small northern CA town. My wife at the time worked at the local NAPA store. She and her co-workers were always goofing around and pulling pranks on each other. They had gotten me good a couple of times so I was looking for a way to get some payback.

One day I had a call WAY out of town, and when I started up the service truck, I noticed that the volt gauge was reading low. Figured out that the alternator had taken a shit, so I called ahead to the store and talked to a lady countreperson who was a good friend of the wife and one of the biggest pranksters in the store. She said they had a new one in stock, and I asked if she could test the old one if I brought it in. No problem... So I drive to the store, get out my gloves and tools and quickly take the HOT alternator off the truck.

Now, I had spent years in the propane business and had pretty much killed all the nerve endings in my fingertips from frost burns; so I could (barely) hold the alternator pulley in my bare hands. I walked into the store, she saw me and, knowing I was in a hurry, motioned me over to the test rig. At this point I'm about dying from the pain, but I knew this was gonna be good... I hold the alternator up, she holds her hands out and I set it right in her palms. After about 2 seconds she turns red, screams, and drops the big Chevy 125 amp alternator...right on her FOOT! Broke 3 toes and 2 bones in her foot. She was clomping around in a cast for months. The wife wasn't too happy with me either.

Guess I got my revenge, but I still kinda feel bad every time I think about that one...

 

OK I have to add one:

I'm 17 and working at the local gas station and the son of a friend of the owner has a '71 'Cuda thay just just did some major engine work on. They're working on it in one of the shop bays and just can't seem to get it fired up. After a whole bunch of time spent cranking the engine over and over and over they finally realize that they have the distributor in backwards.

The guy who owns the car reaches over to take out the distributor and put it in the right way. Unfortunately they left the ignition "on" and with all the gas that went past the rings into the crankcase there were alot of fumes in the engine bay. Well after the resulting ball of fire we didn't recognize the guy 'cause his full beard was no longer there. In fact it looked like he had a slight sunburn an it was February!

 

I've got one that just happened to me:

About 4-5 weeks ago I had a prospective customer call me and as how much it would cost to repair the automatic tranny in his 90 Chevy K1500 pickup. He told me that it was slipping and the vehicle wouldn't go much over 60 MPH. So I give him a ballpark price and he said that he would get back to me.

So about a week or so after that he calls me back and asks how much if he pulls it out and installs it himself. So I give him a price for that, and he tells me that he will go that way and brings it over a few days later.

I get around to getting the transmission apart and discover NOTHING wrong with it. You could still even see the writing printed on the clutches yet! I called him to tell him that and said that it is possible that he may have a bad torque converter, as I have seen a few vehicles act that way when one is bad. But in the back of my mind I was beginning to wonder if his problem had nothing to do with the transmission...

So I get the tranny back together and sell him a new converter and he picks it up to take it back and put it in.

Well today he stops by. Tells me he's not very happy as the transmission acts the same way as before. I told him that we will take it out for a drive and see what it acts like. So we go down the road with it and I could tell that it had a 4 gears like it was supposed to. But it certainly didn't accelerate like it should.

I then asked him if he ever had replaced the fuel filter. He thought he had but couldn't remember when. I told him that it sure acted like a restricted fuel filter. We get back to the shop, and take the filter off and it was practically impossible to blow through. I told him that I think we found the problem! A trip to the NAPA store for a new fuel filter and his transmission problem is now fixed!

Lucky for me that he didn't seem upset at all that it costed him several hundred dollars to change an $18 fuel filter.

 

Early 70's I worked in a dicount store that had a automotive service department. This was Minnesota in the winter mind you. Had a customer that had a tune up probably 6 months before come in complaining that his car was hard to start and when he finally got it started it was running rough and made noise when he put it in gear. It was -20 degrees out so rather than go out, I had him pull it into the service bay. Big boat of a Buick. First thing I noticed was it really did run like crap. The second thing was dimples in the hood. Opened the hood and there was the motor lying over at about a 15 degree list. Both motor mount were broken. Later found the trans mount was broken too. Both valve covers looked like bags of rocks. ??? I asked what happened, and he had this dumb look on his face that he didn't have a clue. He tells me that his wife was afraid the car wouldn't start that morning because of the cold so he put a whole can of starting fluid in the carb right before he left for work. She must have come out and tried to start it right after he left and KABOOM. Couldn't believe it still actually ran.

 

worked in a motorcycle shop had a cust who im guessing had a illegal income had a bike that kept eating batteries we warrantied the first battery but it came back a few days later i was curious i charged the battery and loaded tested and it was fine he came in again same thing but he was in super hurry and just bought a another one i had just sold him his old battery back this went on all summer thru one of his friends found out the guy liked to sit on the bike with the radio on and would run the battery dead oh well battery profits were good that summer

 

Some tough choices, but keeping them very brief ...

1. Went to look at a used VW. Ran great. Opened engine compartment to watch engine run like you're supposed to. Fan belt was loose and wobbling but engine ran fine. Owner slapped the belt on the inside of its travel ... once. The second time the belt grabbed his finger and took it through the generator pulley. Lots of screaming and blood splatters. Neighbor rushed him to the hospital. I turned off the engine, closed the lid ... with a good portion of skin and nail from his middle finger laying down by the crank pulley.

2. Had a buddy in the service used to brag about how easy it was to "syphon" gas from his old 3-banger Saab by putting the vacuum cleaner hose in the gas can and stuffing rags around it. You should try it, but call up your friends first so they can watch.

3. Another buddy bought a '63 Lincoln Continental when we were at Hershey one year. Came time to leave and I offered to follow him home as we returned to Florida. He declined saying that he knew I was in a hurry and he'd just take his time and cruise back. Late Saturday evening he pulled into Richmond with a blown radiator hose. Stayed in a Holiday Inn and, on Sunday morning, with his luck, the desk clerk offerred him the motel van and the maintenance man driver to help him find a radiator hose for his aging Lincoln. Finally, after driving all over Richmond, before the days of Auto Zones galore, he found a gas station with "a little asian girl" at the counter. High on the wall behind her among bunches of hoses was the exact hose he needed. She got the hose down, laid it on the counter and said, "That be 15 dollar." He responded with a prolonged rant about "it should only be 9 or 10 dollars, AT THE MOST." She calmly snatched the hose away saying, "You not nice man. I not sell it to you."

(Glad nobody told the story about the guys who blew the fuse in their old pickup one night, and the only thing they could find in the glove box to replace it was a .22 bullet. That story is a myth. Nobody got shot in the testicle. The bullet harmlessly lodged in the heater which we never use anyhow.)

 

A car I had kept dying at red lights and would not re start until I pushed it off the road and put the manual trans in neutral stood outside the car and turned the key. One day I decided to fix it or junk it,so I got under the heap and started looking at the fuel line and there it was, someone had routed a piece of hose under the clutch linkage and when the clutch was depressed the hose would pinch shut and the thing would run out of fuel and stay out of fuel as long as the clutch pedal was down. Who knew?

 

This one is a classic.

http://audiforums.com/forum/showthread.php?t=80267

 

Now thats funny!

 

When I was a kid, a bunch of us around the neighborhood had beat up mini bikes or go karts and rode all over with them. Billy was a spoiled brat product of a divorce, both parents were trying to win the kid with the best presents. He ended up with a brandy-new dirt bike. He returned home the first day with his bike all covered in mud from riding, and his mother yelled at him to clean it up. A few hours later I get a sheepish call from Billy's mom..."I know you are good with engines, so could you come over and take a look at Billy's bike because it won't start" I headed over and there's the bike in the driveway, sparkly clean, with the hose and washbucket still there. Billy says the kickstarter is broken. I give it a shot, and...it's not moving anywhere. Billy naturally claims he did nothing. After poking around at a few things, I took out the plug...and the kickstarter worked real easy after that. Billy had done a *real good job* of cleaning the bike, apparently including using the hose on the tailpipe to give it an enema. It was completely hydrolocked.