"Mechanical Genius" comments you've heard?

It's not quite the same caliber as some of these stories, but I was looking at a really clapped-out '75 Firebird about 20 years ago. The guy kept saying it was a 400, but it was a 2-barrel motor and I was positive it was a 350. So finally I said "how do you know it's a 400?" I expected him to say something like "that's what the sticker said before we painted over it" or "there were 400 badges on the fenders before we bondoed them" but instead he says "Because Pontiac never made a big-block 350!" My Dad and I both shouted "Pontiac never made a SMALL BLOCK 350!" at the same time from opposite ends of the car. This genius then explains that we are wrong, all Pontiac 350s are small blocks and all 400s are big blocks. He would not believe us. The car was crap anyway, so we just left.
That was almost as good as the time a guy stopped at our house to try to buy "that old Ford in the garage." My Dad patiently explained that it was a '36 Buick coupe. This dork ARGUED and argued with my Dad. He KNEW it was a '36 Ford because of the back window. Apparently the sheer size of the car and the straight-8 engine did not clue him in. He just told my Dad he had the wrong title to the car, got into his car all pissy, and left while shaking his head about the idiots who thought a '36 Ford was a Buick.
I was only a kid at the time and even then I could tell this dork was a complete douche.

 

Isn't that what they used behind slant 6's??

 

LMAO!!! I have a buddy that's had two Sc/ramblers. He'd love that.

 

Took the 454 truck block out of our race car. 1 850 Holley on it with a Hydro cam. Car did 7.50s in the 1/8th with this motor in a 68 Nova.

Friend buys it, puts a solid cam in it, 2 660s with a tunnel ram. Car runs 8.60s in the 1/8th in a lighter car! Idles crappy, backfires out of one bank...hurts us to see such a great block go to waste.

But he swears it will out perform my 496(7.0s in the 1/8th.). Swears its a 10 sec car in th 1/4.


Its like talking to a brick wall.

 

And they are "everywhere" as Wolfman would say.
Dumber than a bagful of hammers.

 

How about the vendor that wanted to sell me an original reproduction part (?)

 

Is that anything like "genuine imatation leather"

 

This is kind of in reverse.
I took my Boss 302 into a Goodrich dealer ship to have some work done on it. It was in 1975 so I don't remember what it was. One of the mechanics had the car on a hoist and wanted to "show me something". He points to rear axle bumper. It's scuffed up from hitting the axel at some point. I always drove the car hard so who knows. He says "you need new shocks". I said that's kind of odd because I just put these new ones on yesterday. It was obvious by just looking at them they were new. He mumbled some BS and then when on his merry way.
The dealers always assume all the customers are idiots about cars. I hate that.

 

How about "all original,totally restored"...

 

second day working with the new mechanic i ask him if he has any left hand dies he asks me why i need a left hand die when i can just spin my right handed one backwards i was ready to laugh and then i realized he was serious i had thought he was testing me and hes ASE master certified Chrysler master certified and has 25 years experience all i could do was smile and walk away

 

sales man once tried to sell me a 1984 f150 with a factory 351c motor in it..he proceeded to tell me how the engine was rare in this truck since everyone ripped them out and put them in mustangs and such and I would be lucky to every find another at the price he was selling it for.he couldnt figure out why I just walked away from him,shaking my head and got into my car..

 

In 1962, the 80 year old man down the road bought a new Ford with one-of-them-new-fangled automatic transmissions.
He put it in first gear and drove 50 miles home.
Couldnt understand why it ran hot.
Thought the automatic was supposed to shift itself 'automatically' and as everyone knows, you always start out in first gear

 

.....back in the day, I worked for a very good race engine shop that is still famous for their supercharged engines. I ran the counter and did the quotes, ordered parts and explained the tech sheets from the machinists. When I explained that the motor needed to be bored over size to correct a wall taper and an excessive wear condition, the DUFUS couldnt understand why we couldnt just hone it back to standard.......then there was the rocket scientist who bought a cam package, intake, carb etc for a weekend project. So far so good...untill monday am when he shows up madder than hell and wants us to pay for his radiator!!! He tried to change the cam without removing the rad and after he ruined the core with the old cam and the new one too, he felt it was our duty to inform him he had to pull the rad when he bought the parts. No he didnt get a new rad. The most recent comedy episode was last week at the Advance Auto where I now reside, when the moroon( new PC term for moron) want his money back for a defective timing chain set for a SBC. OK, what's defective?? He pulls the TC out of the box, and it is BENT in almost a 45 degree angle. After being MFed at least a half dozen times, we finally got the entire story. The old chain was so loose and the nylon teeth were gone, so the chain sliped off without even unbolting the cam gear. So confident of his new skills, he put the new gears in place, and attempted to STRETCH the new chain over the gears !!!! How'd that work SKIPPY!!???!!!???? Working at Advance Auto is better than the Comedy Zone, and they pay me very well to sell parts and laff all day . I love my job.

 

Not really a mechanical story but funny just the same. I worked with a guy that drove in from the country to work. He was always worried about hitting a deer with his car so he put a couple of deer whistles on his front bumper to scare them off. A couple of weeks after putting them on, he hits a deer. He is showing me the damage on his car and complaining that the whistles didn't work. I looked at him and with a serious look on my face I tell him "well of course you hit a deer, you mounted the whistles on backwards and you've been calling the deer in". He says "Crap, I didn't know the damn whistles were directional. They should have put a warning on the box".

 

Guy with a '32 with a SBC in it. Tells me he took the Hurst mount off the front and put side motor mounts in it "because that puts more weight on the rear axle."

 

in high school, I had a guy try to tell me that his buddys car was suped up with a nitrous kit and that it didnt need a battery because he used the nitrous to start it.

 

Oh and another high school story, standing outside of work, some kid pulls up in a honda after racing (i assume another asian car) and won, someone asked him to pop the hood, over walks some black kid peering into the engine bay of this honda (prelude i think) whats it got in it a 350?

 

technicly he did....
just no enough to make a difference..

 

I had a cast iron 348 tripower intake sitting on a shelf in my garage many years ago. Friend of a friend asked about it. I told him what it was...he said he wanted to purchase it to install on his sbc. I advised him that it would not fit - he insisted it would - I had no sbc intakes (was all about FEs at this time) to show him the differences. He absolutely insisted on buying it, so I absolutely sold it to him. Our mutual friend reported back a few days later that after this dimbulb bought gaskets, new (this was awhile ago) carbs/linkage/etc, he ran into a slight problem. He actually took the manifold to a machine shop to ask if they could make it work on sbc....some folks just refuse to learn...

dj

 

I built a Ford shortblock for acquaintance. When I delivered it he was tinkering with a 67 Camaro he bought with a pretty hot 383 sbc. Big cam and ported heads, idle was rich. After a couple of minutes in his shop with the thing idling your eyes would gush water and you'd look for getting some fresh air.
He asked me about jetting the Holley down to lean the idle out, "No way! Idle richness has NOTHING to do with the jet size, the fat idle is a result of the big cam and ported heads".
Anyway, he hired a kid to clean up cars and claimed to know how to tune engines...

Couple weeks later I saw the guy at the car auction, he said; "Oh yeh, you were wrong about that 383 motor, Timmy got that motor idling clean. Someone had stuck 90 jets in the carburetor, we went all the way down to 53's before the engine idled right".

OK, cool

Burned holes in 5 of the 8 pistons.

 

My uncle took his car to a high speed quick lube guy. The guy changed his oil but forgot to put the drain plug back in. Now my uncle got in his car and drove it home!
He said something wasnt right! Checked his oil and it was bone dry!
He called the shop and told them what happened and the dumbass told him to drive back and get his plug! My uncle got a ride and went back.
There was no mention of the damage he had probably done to the car, just heres your bolt and some oil sorry.
This was down in the hills of KY.


I found a top mechanic on Craigslist a month ago. One ford 9"rear end for sale $100
also Model A parts!

Looked at the ford 9" Thats not a 9" its a Dana. Oh really? Yes . I explaine a ford 9" and 8" Oh I never seen them before I dont know.
Model A parts yes I was going to build a hotrod. Model a Front suspension laying there. I asked were you using juice brakes? (Hoping he had some) F1 steering or?
Blank stare back....

I guess it never left the cartoon pictures in his head of him making vrooom sounds lol.

 

This reminded me of a brand new jeep wrangler that I screwed up years ago. While securing an alarm system brainbox under the dash I mistakenly screwed it to the underdash which turned out to be just one layer of steel which was actually the cowl in front of the windshield. Looking at this brand new jeep, there was a screw sticking up out of the cowl. Instead of panicking about buying bodywork and paint for a brand new car my boss ran out and bought a set of deer whistles, and had me install them where I had mistakenly installed the fresh hole. (1 on each side) Then he had me demo the alarm, and remind the guy about the installation of his deer whistles, after the demo. When the guy mentioned that he had not orderd the deer whistles, We claimed that since it was our mistake and that he could keep them free of charge. He was more than happy about this.
Whew!!!.....Thanks boss!!!......

 

had i rough conversation with an old guy who swore he knew everything about oldsmobile. i was asking him questions about my dads 65 olds 442 convertible. he nearly had stroke trying to tell me they didnt have a 442 untill 67 and if by chance they did it wouldnt have been made in a convertible. he actually said " your dad got shafted by whoever sold it to him kid. they probably changed the badges on it." he had me soo pissed off and second guessing myself that i had to google it when i got home.

i wanna find him and tell him there were 1695 of em made in 1965

 

I have a pair of those in the other room to put on my DD. They *DO* have directions that tell you not only which direction they're supposed to face, but just what angle they can be aimed at and still work.

 

Have a car I am selling. (not totally Hamb friendly, suffice to say a race style roller).

Listed it as a basic roller. Complete tube chassis deal. Has 4 f'in wheels on it and it rolls. Front spindles are on with a rack and with tires. 9" rear is in it with cut off axle stubs bolted in place (it does need a center and full axles and I have stated that).

Now this car has been rolled in and out of shops, trailers, and been steered and pushed around since built. Probably has 20 miles on it from pushing it everywhere like an old chug. It rolls and damn nice actually.

So fast forward to a running two emails and one phone call mother f'ing I get from a "genius" whom does sometimes reside on this board telling me it cannot be a roller.

Me; Huh? So how can it not be a roller?
Genius: Well the axles aren't in it.
Me: I know. I told you that, it has cut off axle stubs bolted in so it can roll. Walla a roller.
Genius: No you are stupid it is not a roller.
Me: Look douche if I by myself can push and steer this car like a fricken go cart on 4 wheels all over my got damn yard and driveway I think it is truly a roller.
Genius: No a roller has all 4 wheels and everything to run just less a motor.

(side note: I was including a motor and tranny in the deal and might have even thrown in a ton of other crap too. Damn near enough to make it run. Less labor of course but would have gotten m'fd for that I suppose too. But after previous exchange it was just a roller deal no extras.)

My parting words were..."Then don't fucking buy it I'll just roll it into the trailer then!"
Genius: Yeah well someone will knock your teeth in...click.

So sellers a roller is a totally complete turn key car just without a motor! Period. If in doubt just wait for the phone call. So if you are bold enough to sell a car and list it as a "roller" say without a motor and tranny, then I shall see you in hell!

And I do sincerely hope to meet up with you 'said genius' one day so we can discuss the little chicklets comment you made and hung up so quickly. Don't usually carry a grudge but this one time I shall make an exception just for educational purposes.

 

My boss can prove every one of these stories....because he's done it all!

hes even welded in patch panels on his 74 corvette! You should've heard the shop erupt in laughter

 

i was at the races one night watching and the guy next to me says i built the motor in that car there. i wasn't really interested but i said really. he said yep . you wanna know what i did? its a secret. i say oh yea. he said yep i took one of the pistons out and put 2 cams in it. at this point i just roll my eyes and walk away.

 

My brother runs a Trans and Diff shop that dabbles in race car fabrication. At any given time there are a few "Cling-ons" hanging around giving you their opinion whether you want it or not, and a few gems coming from Customers... Here's a few out takes.

"I'm going to put 2-fours on mine next year" When I ask him about the set up it turns out he's planning on mounting them one on top of the other for increased ram effect.

I'm going to use Ford 9 inch center section in my Dana 44. That will make it stronger and it's good for 2 tenths

We told a guy that you could lock up the dif by welding the spider gears. We also went to great lengths telling him the Pro's and Cons as well as the alternatives. (Locker, posi, spool etc). 2 weeks later the truck shows up on the back of a tow truck. He had dropped the rear cover on his Chevy and then welded up just about EVERYthing to EVERYthing inside the carrier. He even went as far as to claim this was our fault and we should fix it for free. (We didn't)

Going to put 454 crank in a 350. That will make it a 427

If you install the cam the backwards, it will change the rotation of the engine. That's what all the circle track guys do

There's no difference between Windsor and Cleveland heads. That's just what Ford wants you to think so they can sell more parts.

Apparently a 454 into a Vega is a direct bolt in. You can get factory mounts. (No...really)

Ratty 4x4 comes in with 8" shackle extensions and stacked 4" lift blocks (2 on each corner!!!) to clear 40's. The diffs were at silly angles and the front drive shaft is not installed. The front angle was so far off the truck took weird dives when you tried to turn hard in either direction. With all of that, we almost missed the body lift using 2x4's. As we stood there gawking at the rolling death trap, the owner is telling us how he's upgrading the transfer case to one of those new European traction sensing units the pro mudcrawling guys are using (??) Then he's going to put Hummer diffs and axles on the existing spring and block setup so he can mount "really big meats"... he insisted it can be done... one of his buddies did it and it worked great... Good luck with that...

 

He could have been right. Running lean raises combustion temps and increases NoX emissions.

Sorry I didn't read the whole thread before I replied. Looks like 10 other people already told you this. DOH!

 

How did the guy that did that service not notice the big puddle of oil that shouldnt be there haha . Stuff like that really makes you wonder .