Bench Racing whoppers. Let's hear yours

Hey i got a bird story. Me and a buddy were driving along the beach on frasier island australia and were doing about 65 and this eagle or some shit swoops down in front of us and grabs this dead fish, i comment on the crazy bird as it swings around and drops the fish right on the wind shield. made a hellaof a noise and mess. had us laughin for days. crazy ass bird.

 

"One time I was Driving so fast my head lights were going behind me!"

"My buddy has this honda that can go anywhere in 10 seconds!"

 

I've got one- it's ridiculous, but it's 100% true:

I was in my early 20's and had a warmed over '89 Mustang 5 liter LX. It was my daily driver, so at some point I had a receiver hitch welded onto it so that I could pull my jet ski back and forth to the local river. One night my buddy and I are coming home with our skis on the back (the old Kawasaki X2's- small ones) and we happen to be on a road that's pretty much the local cruise spot/street racing area where lots of light to light racing goes on.

So we slow down for a yellow light, and 4 tools in a black Mustang GT pull up next to us. The guy driving laughs and says something stupid like, "nice trailer" to me. I shake my head and try to ignore him. The guy won't shut up and then starts revving me on, and at this point I'm pissed. I tell my buddy Joe to hang on, and he just says, "oh boy, here we go..." I can see the light turn yellow on the opposite side, so I bring the revs up and idiot boy next to us is clearly going to take off. Light goes green, I dump the clutch, and we both take off in a cloud of tire smoke. Two lights later, we toast the black GT by two car lengths, shut it down, and get caught at another red light. The black GT pulls up next to us, and all of the morons in it are now astonished. Frankly, I am too. The guy in the passenger seat in the black GT yells, "damn, what do you have done to that thing?" Without missing a beat, my buddy Joe leans over and yells back, "Towing Package". I almost pissed my pants!

Good times.

 

My favorite one liners:
I can get rubber in every gear.
I drove my Volkswagen accross the lake.
I drove my motorcycle accross the lake.
I put a chip in my diesel and now it has 1000 hp and gets 30 mpg.
It had so much power I had to chain my motor down.
It's not a 350, its a Turbo 350.
I beat this guy with a new corvette on the highway with my ........

And just for kicks, give your local parts store a call and ask for any part for an 83 corvette. See how long it takes 'em to figure that one out. Always good for a laugh!!
While you're at it, ask 'em for a brass magnet and a sky hook too.

 

"I put a chip in my diesel and now it has 1000 hp and gets 30 mpg"

Small world...I think that same guy was in my shop 20 minutes ago!

 

worked in a bar when i was younger ...had a barmaid who'd been there done that...one of the guys chimed in and said once that he'd been in for a vasectomy...she just said "oh yea..i had one of those a couple years ago.."...

 

...maybe she was telling the truth!

 

Being as she was a southern girl , she was telling the truth

Shrapnel

 

First liar ain't got a chance. I like to see the intense facial expressions of the biggest b.s.'ers, they have convinced themselves the lies are real. ~sololobo~

 

Lets see .... the dead guy corvette thing .... "she,ll do 10,s in the 1/4 I allways say car ya prove it ususally shuts em up....

 

is she from southern new zealand?

 

Me and the wife were coming home from the vet at 10:30 one Sunday night. Had to put our Beagle down cause a neighbor kept antifreeze out by his porch (found out later-)
Had to work Monday, so was going about 65 on the back road home. Topped a hill in a curve- one of those curves thats banked the wrong way, and you can't see the ground cause of the hill, in a split second saw a damn Heron (Crane?) standing in the road right before impact. Hit him good and figured he went under the Tahoe. We both thought it was weird for him to be in the road, but were mostly bummed out about the dog. Got home and I walked around the back of the truck to get the door for her, being the gentleman I am. Help her out and we both walk around the front of said Tahoe and THERE trapped behind the right side towhook in the dead Heron, intact.
Hung him on the (antifreeze) neighbor's gate.

 

If I had a penny for every time I heard someone say they beat a new 'Vette I could've retired by now.

 

Everyone has heard about the railroad car full of "new" 57 Chevy's.
This is how it got started.....
My friend (nickname: santa claus) worked for the Union Pacific railroad out of Omaha. Every once in awhile he had to run a train to Colorado for a test run. About 30 years ago on one such trip out side of North Platte he noticed an old rusted siding. He stopped the train (only one car) and followed the siding. Trees had grown between the ties and hid two old wooden rail cars. He was able to pull open one door, revealing rusted old cars. On closer examination he noticed that the tires were not worn and the interiors were still fully intact, but moldy. He then ran back to his train to finish his run. He never went back to try to get the cars. I also have a large amount of land in the middle of Florida for sale.

 

Just smile & nod, Guys....just smile and nod.

Roger

 

had a guy tell me a few weeks ago he was rebuilding the 350 in his pick up, said it should run strong, as he put a 3 inch cam in it. had all i could do to keep from laughing. guess i shoulda asked if the cam was 3 inches long, or tall....

 

Since I'm the one usually telling these stories keep 'em coming!

How dull life would be if we didn't have these tales of absolute truth to keep us laughing and retold over a few beers...

" All cars are required by law to go at least as fast as the speedometer says. So my old Ford could 120 mph when she was new."

 

ya know a 454 is a direct bolt in, in a chevette... just turn over the motormounts.

 

maybe the back wheels in reverse? now that would be interesting.....

 

OK, just to add to the birdie stories. I used to have a great white sulfur crested Cockatoo that would perch on the seat back beside me and ride along every chance we had.

Made a hard stop and he tried hard to keep his balance, but finally had to give in to inertia and went slamming head down into the base of the windshield with his body and wings flapping upward on the glass.

These birds have a lot of dander and look like a rocket from the dust trail they leave when taking off. So he left a full filled in dust print of his wing spread body on the inside of the windshield. By now we are stopped and he pulls himself up into a standing position on the dash and looks back at me and whistles as if to say "Whew!"

He was cool. Back up on the seat, wipe off the windshield and off we go again..... We both laughed about that. Yep, he laughs when I do. Even though he can talk too, we just laughed...........

 

The best one i had was at the old daze drags at Island dragway back in 98
I had a 46 ford pro street flat bad for a shop truck did the show shit for a while and the year before went to this race and ran it and after not racing for 14 years you know what happens got bit again.
I go this year with a new 406 alm head smblk 200hp nos street slicks 4 inch exhust and im in the lanes next to a 34 glass 3w blown smblk gold chainer and he's telling everyone that would stand near his car that it runs 9.50's
I tell him its bs and ill run him so we go to run and i click off a 10.70 to his 15.40 we get back to the pits and he tells every one he didnt have his race tires on i think the laughter made more noise then his car LOL

 

Another bird story. On vacation driving throught he finger lakes area of New York state. Driving our new 1986 Chevy 2500 conversion van. Wife sitting up front passenger side, right behind the antenna. I see this bright yellow/green sparrow sized bird taking off across my path up ahead but far enough not to be a probelm,--until it makes a 180 and flys right back in front of the van. But--no noise, no feathers--so I figure it missed. Then my wife screams and tells me to pull over. Then she really screams and demands that I pull over and take it off. I get off the road and she looks at me and points to the antenna. There hanging from the antenna were two little legs, claws clamped around the antenna, sticking straight out, and nothing after the hip area. Just the scrawnny little legs still clutching the antenna. I thought my wife was going to have a bird, Heh. I started to go again without pulling the little legs off but my wife declared--"it's them or me buddy". Yeah, I took them off. Mark L

 

ok, heres mine, back in the 60s, my dad had a buddy he worked with named junior, they were talking cars one day and he was tellin dad how he had the fastest flathead in the county where he used to live it was a 50 ford coupe with 2 'carbretters' on it. he was on the road one day, and passed a stock model t, well, the t passed him and junior couldnt catch him. he seen the t at a gas station on down the road and pulled in behind him. the old man was 80yrs old and showed him the stock 4 banger under the hood, then proceeded to open the turtle back to reveal a dual quad caddy engine, pretty good fabrication back in the 50s, and those wooden spokes held up real good also!

 

I have never had a car that lost at Bench Racing.

 

oh hey f@#kin hey!!

 

Reminds me of a plumber who was a legend in my hometown, if we hadn't had ol' Pelham, the city would have had to hire an actor to play the part. Pelham overheard two guys in the hardware store talking about a mutual friend who was bad off with emphysema. Ol' Pelham said, "That emphsema's bad stuff. Knowed a man that got that in his eyes and liked to've gone blind from it."

 

Well- since it's birds.....Ever hit one-A dove,and have the feathers come through the dash vents? Now thats creepy.....

 

I hit a turkey once. The damn thing waited until i got about 20 feet from it till it decided to take flight and try and cross in front of me. I slowed down to about 30mph and it hit my windshield. Two eggs popped out and broke on my windshield, the friggin bird kept flying...