Bench Racing whoppers. Let's hear yours

"Man, I had 'em whupped at half track but then I sucked a pidgeon down the front Velocity stack and he wound up stuck in the number 3 intake valve. I knew when I built it I should have gone with the 2.02 valves but I figured I needed the bottom end for the drive back to the pits. Anyway, I double clutched it with the key off and when I hit the key it backfired that bird right back out the stack and damned if he didn't get sucked into the rear carb and wind up in number 7. Had to double clutch it again. Don't know which was better. Seeing the win light come on in my lane or the look on that bird's face as he was trying to get out from under the windshield wiper..."

 

"Under" estimating my A roadsters 19-22 second ET as a 15-16 sec ET=Ha! its pretty fuckin slow.

 

Me and a friend were talking to this guy that hangs out at my neighbor's shop. He always talks up his Buick Grand National but I've never seen the car in person.

Anyway, he's talking about how awesome the 3.8L supercharged engines are, and says that he's seen built up front wheel drive SSEI Bonnevilles pull the front wheels up off the ground.

We asked him how a front wheel drive car could possibly lift it's front wheels up off of the ground. He gave some explaination, but me and Kris (my buddy/witness) knew this guy was nuts.

 

I don't know if this qualifies, but one time a Cummins mechanic told me that they were working on one of the biggest diesels they make, and it went runaway on them and they couldn't shut it off. He said one of the guys picked up a big-ass diesel repair manual and threw it on the carb & the motor sucked it right through.

I also used to know a kid in high school that swore up and down that his big brothers dump truck routinely beat 5.0 mustangs & iroc Z's. Of course this is the same guy who used to tell everyone that his dad was in the mafia, and that he was the "state champion 3 years running" of whatever sport happened to be the current topic of conversation, so I have my doubts about the dumptruck story as well.

After he told us that story, whenever me and my buddies in high school were rolling around in whoever's half-ass hot-rod, and someone saw a dumptruck, the running joke became "dude, don't look over at that guy driving the dumptruck, he's probably trying to get a race going"

The best one was when one of my buddys had to sell his 72 Buick, and was telling us "yeah, I ran some guy in a dumptruck for pinks, and... well... you know."

 

I've seen it...

 

Names witheld on this one as it's a true story...

A few years ago I was at CHRR and watched a certain cackle dragster do a wheelie on the starting line and come down hard on the front end. A while later the driver and crew were sitting with me in the stands and I asked what happened. Driver said he wanted to do a tire smoking takeoff like they did in the old days but with the modern tire compound, VHT and the new type of track surface it hooked up and reached for the sky. I asked how bad the front end was hurt and the crew chief pops up and says: "Front end was easy to fix. The hard part was getting the pucker out of the seat!" Driver turned red and everybody around busted out laughing.

 

Was that Bob Muravez?

 

This is the truth...although its not a hot rod story...its a BIRD story.

One time my wife and I were travelling along and there was a flock of birds setting on the road. We could see them from far off...

I told her not to slow down or swerve...birds always flew away before the car got to them.

She didn't slow down. She didn't swerve. The birds took off too late and we ended up hitting about 10 of them. THUMP THUMP THUMP.....

They flew back up over the truck like some sort scene from a sick-o cartoon.

The icing on the cake though was the one that got caught in the windshield wiper. It hung there with its little tongue hanging out! Bleeding!.
I told here to hit the wipers and fling its dead ass off the windshield. She did...of course it didn't fall off...just wiped back and forth across the windshield. haha

It was the DAMNDEST, WEIRDEST sickest thing I've ever been a part of. I still can't believe that it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. But it DID!!! Honestly.

TINGLER

 

Since this went from bench racing to bird watching... I have one of those. A girl I work got hit by a bird. She was merging onto 80/94 from I65 and a big ole seagull came bouncing off of her window.There was blood and guts everywhere. I guess it got hit on 80/94 and fell onto I65 and hit her.

The funny thing is she was still screaming when she got to work...

and its 10 miles to work from where it happened.

 

I had some kid in the diner last night tell me that his 3.8 liter V6 '91 Olds 88 could do over 160 mph. He said all he had to do was put in a K&N air filter. After I got finished laughing I told him he was full of shit.

This convo took place after he decided to educate me on the 442 ci Olds engine they put in the Cutlass 442s in '68. Any rocketeers wanna vouch for this one? haha

 

The day I hauled my '46 Chevy home, I hit and killed a bird with the antenna on my truck. Cliffy was following me and he saw it.

Years before, my sister hit a bird with the antenna on her Escort beater. Musta hit the bird right on the ass because the bird STUCK and she had to stop the car, get out and remove the poor bird from the top of her antenna.

My brother hit a crane (the giant bird, not the lifting machine) with his car, "spread eagle" as he described it, across his windshield. He couldn't see shit until the bird flopped off, but didn't crack the windshield either, probably because the weight of the bird was so spread out.

Friend of mine took a bird to the face on his motorcycle, didn't knock him off but (I'm told) hurt like a mofo. He's lucky he stayed on the bike.

 

True story..musta' been, he told me it was (name withheld to protect the stupid)

" I was running my 'vette Gasser at Detroit Dragway and lined up against Neil 'Pappy' Ellis in his Anglia, I had him all the way" ... he gets sidetracked here...
"you know he was the first one to to run a cargo chute on a racecar" ... back to story.. "anyway, I would have had him but when he popped the chute, it covered my windshield and I had to slow.."

cc

 

Same thing happened to me about 15 years ago, fortunately I was slowing down for some railroad tracks. Hit me in the forehead area of my helmet and hurt like a mofo.

 

I knew a guy @ work that had a badazz 59 ford retractable w/a 390 tri-power that he raced a vette with,when they took off he did a wheelie the ford & since he always got such super traction he won.

Bob

 

Got a guy at work.....he's got a '65 Mustang he's "restoring", gonna be bad ass!!
He claims that when he bought the 'stang (clapped out) he could hardly drive it 'cuz it wheelied so bad you couldn't steer it!!! But now he's got a radical motor built for it, claims to have $5,000 in parts in the motor....when i ask him for specs on the cam...he forgets just what cam it is... Of course this is the same guy that builds NASCAR motors for Busch drivers... ...and he's the same guy that makes $1,500 a night for driving a semi on the weekends. When i told him that I was suprised he had an "Air" License (for driving Trucks with air brakes) he had no idea what I was talking about... I could go on and on, but I'm starting to think this guy is fulla shit!

 

I love the one all the guys old enuf to have bought 69 Road Runners new tell. "Man my friend bought a new 69 Road Runner and it was so fast that he would give you a ride and put a hundred dollar bill on the dash. And if you could grab it then it would be yours." Or the classic "He put a beer can in front of the tire and it would pop the tire right over it" OF COURSE ON THE BIAS TIRES OF THE DAY, and all of us know how those bias tires "hook" yeah right.

 

Here is another one. A friend of my dads was at my house a few years ago while i had a legit mid 9 second street car (would have been a sleeper if it had 4 mufflers to quiet it down). Any way we were standing around drinking and he is telling me that my car should be alot faster because his bone stock 62 chrysler imperial runs 10s and the 68 firebird with a326 3 speed he had in 1970 ran 8.50s. By the way his Imperial pulls a 10" weelie when passing gear kicks in.

 

I think he was talking 1/8th mile...

I had a guy in a 1970 SS454 Chevelle try to race my old beat up looking 68' dart with four friends in his car. My car looked stock.

He had big exhaust tips, cragars, big tires, and really nice paint. At the light he told me he was going to "eat that shitbox mopar in his chevelle 'cause it runs 11's".

He asked me what was in my car...."318" i tell him.

Man was he pissed when I took him out of the hole, and walked him like he was standing still. At three lights. He got pissed as his friends were all laughing at him and at the fourth light got out and ran to the trunk, opened it and fiddles in there for a second, then does a burnout and pulls to the crosswalk line with a wicked grin.

So I walked him again, this time bus lengthing him.

Next light he's screaming mad, and burns rubber all the way through the next intersection while I slowly pull out to turn left. I knew the police station was right on that corner. I guess he didn't.

Maybe I should have told him that the car actually had a 340 in it that was built by Beatty and Woods and hit the dyno to over 500hp NA and I had a 200 shot on top of it. Ran mid 10's

 

Our Heavy Equipment Diesel Mechanic here on site has a basically stock F350 that will turn 10's in the 1/4 mile. No shit. He injects propane.

 

I worked with a guy whose dad had an all original 1962 Camaro.
Guy here at work tells about how he always gets pulled over in his Contour. Last time they let him off after doing 130 mph......different people, I swear.
That's no shit, '62 Camaro, 130 in a Contour. Different people.

 

So, are you telling US a whopper?

 

Nope...


2900lb car with a killer solid cammed 340 with a buttload of juice against a 4000lb SS454 with 4 fat guys in it.

Still have the car but that engine is history. Still has the 4.30 rear gear, superstock springs, 3800 stall converter in the 727, and mickey thompson G60's on the back

 

I could however tell you about the time I just missed getting the Hemi Dart from the son of an old drag racer. He told me he had an old dart from when his dad raced, and I told him I would buy it sight unseen for parts for $500.

Went to get it a week later and some neighbor offered him $5gs for it and took it away with 2 complete hemi's! It was originally a 68' Dart GTS 383 4speed and not a real superstock, but had been coverted to hemi power for racing....

Man was I pissed off.

 

Sounds like some of these guys are cliff racers. The only way the will go that fast is to push it off a cliff.

 

Yeah, I had a '62 Camaro. If I could keep the front wheels on the ground it'd do 130 easy.

 

I had a basically stock 3.1 v6/5 speed Berretta that would do low 15's in the 1/4-speed limiter killed it at 120. Pissed off alot of ricers and stock Camaros and kept the CV joint supplier in the black
There are some not so built up Probes (or Mazda MX6's) that'll hit 140 pretty easily due to the twin turbos.

 

SHIT, my 62 Camaro had the RS/SS/US/PS package with the 904, 5 speed and optional axle ferbits! Cops made me take it off the road because they couldn't catch it. And that's the truth!-MIKE

 

Did you ever have to explain to a high school kid that there's no such thing as a 350 big block? I swear there was at least 10 kids I went to school with that swore up and down that thier 350 was a big block.

One guy had a '79 ElCamino 350 big block, he says it used to be a small block but his uncle converted it over with a different intake and crank. I wonder how that worked?

The 442CI Olds engine was another interesting one that I've heard several times.

 

Didn't you know that? Any late model car can be made into an ultra-fast street racer with a chrome-tip muffler, K&N Filter, and a "power chip". A big aluminum airfoil spoiler really helps, too.

I wanna make up some racing stickers in Japanese that say "I'm a Jackass" and then hand them out at a rice grinder show. I bet a lot of them would get used. As if they know what any of that shit says.

 

I had me one of them 74' Road runners with the 383 hemi 6 pack with a rockcrusher and factory 9" rear end. It wouldn't keep the front end on the ground and I had to get a special racing package for it that have heavy wheels to weight the front down.

That 340 dart you have there is rare. It has the rare superstock small block package on it with a holley carb, big mopar intake, and headers, with no trim.

I used to have a 327 fuelie camaro that I bought off the showroom floor in 1970 that would do 180mph.

No word of a lie...I head all of these at a car show.