What the heck, here is one more... A drunk stumbles into a bar, walks right up to the bartender an says, "Bartender. Give everyone in the house a drink. Pour me a scotch, pour yourself a shot.... and bring me the tab!" The bartender does as he asks... drinks for everyone, a shot for himself, a scotch for the kind drunk man... then brings the drunk the tab. The drunk looks at the bill, laughs outloud and says, "Sorry, I don't have any money!" The bartender drags him out of the bar and proceeds to beat the **** out of him. The very next day, the same drunk wanders in and walks right up to the bar, "Bartender. Give everyone a drink. Bring me a scotch, pour yourself a shot... then bring me the tab." Well, the bartender thought for a moment. There is no way the guy would do the same thing after getting dragged into the street and beaten, so he complies. He gets everyone in the house a drink. He pours the drunk his scotch. He pours himself a shot... then brings the bill to the drunk. Again, the drunk says, "Sorry, I got no money!" Furious, the bartender drags the drunk out of the bar and beats the living **** out of him. The next day, the same drunk wanders in again and walks right up to the bar, "Bartender. Give everyone a drink. Bring me a scotch, and then bring me the tab." The bartender looks at him and asks, "What, I don't get a drink today?" "No," says the drunk. "You get violent when you drink."
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish fellow are having a drink then the Irishman sets his gl*** down and says, "Back in old Dublin, there was a better bar called O'Malley's. You buy your first drink and O'Malley himself is right there to buy you your next one, on the house." Not to be outdone, the Italian proclaims, "Back inna Sicily theres a bar called Guido's that was even better. At Guido's you buy your first drink and in true Italian spirit, they get your next two drinks absolutely free." They all agree that this sounds like a wonderful bar, and then the Polish man stands up and says, "Back in my hometown of Warsaw there's a bar named Kronski's that has them all beat. At Kronski's you buy your first drink and amazingly they buy your next five drinks. Then they take you in the back room and get you laid!" Overwhelmed, the Irishman and the Italian respond by saying, "You're telling us you get five drinks on the house and then they take you in the back and get you laid? This really happened to you?" The Polish man replies, "Well not to me, but it happens to my sister all the time!!!" DB
SUV BLACK BOXES The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the cir***stances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh **** !" Only the states of North Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Kansas, and Missouri were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin." FF
Since I am from Norway,here is Norwegian/american joke. This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Lars Olafsen's Laundry." "Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?" The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?" The old man replies: "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Do***entation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.' ________
One More.... The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb *** horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!
That reminds me: Q: What did the elephant say to John Holmes? A: "That's nice but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
I needed this after this "week from Hell"....haven't laughed this much in a while, thanks for taking the time to post your "special stories"
ok heres another old one being in minesota we have the snow emergency route to deal with, and OLE says to LENA, did yah listen to the radio and hear what side of the street we have to park on tonight?, nah LENA says i missed it ,,well says OLE, guess we will juast leave the car parked in the garage then
So a girl comes home to her boyfriend at the end of the day and says, "I'm leaving you..!! I just found out you're a *********..!!!" the boyfriend looks at her and says, "That's a pretty big word for a twelve-year-old..."
This pregnant woman goes to the hospital to give birth. The doctor gets it out of her. The woman is looking at the doctor waiting for her baby. The doctor takes her baby and starts slamming it into walls, the bed, knocking **** over and making a big, ****** mess. She starts screaming: "My god what are u doing to my baby!!!!!!" He stops, looks at her, laughingly says: "No, I'm just kidding, it was dead when it came out."
Last one!! I'll stop padding my post count now!! Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doors frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says " I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called, You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Chinese man rings his boss & says "me sick me no work today" boss says when i'm sick i **** my wife, try that! 2hrs later chinese man rings back; "me better you got nice house" Kev.
Ole is traveling on a train and learns that he and pretty woman who he's never met before have to share the same sleeping carriage. After the initial embarr***ment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, Ole on the lower bunk. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes Ole and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." Ole leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend ve're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," Ole replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood with his nose! They tested him on several different types & he guessed right every time. To catch him out they layed the secretary down naked so he sniffed & sniffed then asked the wood to be turned over, he sniffed again "Can't fool me" he said "its an old **** house door off a tuna boat" Kev.
Bus load of nuns die in a crash & go up to heaven, St Peter ask's the first nun have you ever had any contact with a *****? she says i touched one with my finger....St Peter says dip it in holy water. He then ask's the next nun, i fondled one she replied....he tells her to dip her hand in the holy water. All of a sudden there's a commotion & a nun has pushed to the front, St Peter ask's whats the problem & she replies " if i'm going to gargle with that holy water i want to do it before sister Ann sticks her *** in it! Kev.
A young couple were gonna go visit some new neighbors who had a 5 year old daughter who was born without ears. Not wanting their 5 year old son to say anything embarr***ing; they told him not to mention the fact she had no ears. They go visit and after awhile the boy says "your daughter sure has a pretty smile" The parents say " thank you". A little later he says "your daughter sure has pretty hair" The parents say thank you". A little while later he says " your daughter sure has pretty eyes". Parents say "thank you". A little while later he asks " does your daughter have good eyes?" Parents say " I guess so, why?" The boy says " I sure hope so cuz she's gonna have a hell of a time keepin gl***es on!"
ok, let's see. School has just resumed after summer vacation, the teacher is asking the student what they did for their break. "Sarah, please tell the cl*** what you did on your summer vacation" "Well, we went to visit my grandma in Florida, and went to Disneyworld." "Very nice" says the teacher, "What about you Helen?" "We took a boat trip and went swimming in the ocean." "Excellent, what about you Timmy?" Timmy thinks - "Well, not much happened to me, but my dog got his *** run over by a train" "TIMMY, WE DO NOT USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN THE CL***ROOM, YOU SAY ******!!!!" "******?, Hell, it damn near killed him!"
Una mas. Teacher (once again), having the students say and use three syllable words in sentences "Sally, do you know a three syllable word?" "Yes, Wonderful." "Perfect, can you use it in a sentence?" "You are a wonderful teacher." "Thank you Sally, that's very sweet. Mary, do you know any three syllable words?" "Yes, excellent." "Please use it in a sentence." "You are an excellent teacher." "Thank you, that is very nice. Billy, do you know any three syllable words?" "Yeah, urinate." "Well, I guess that has three syllables, can you use it in a sentence?" "SURE, URINATE, BUT IF YOU HAD BIGGER ***S, YOU'D BE A TEN"
Same teacher: asked we are having a spelling bee. Who wants to go first. ......... Darla puts her hand up first. ........... Ok Darla can you spell dumb........ D U M B Darla replide .......... That is very good now can you say it in a sentence. the teacher said. .......... Buckweet is dumb. .......... now can you spell stupid the teacher said. ........ S T U P I D said Darla now can you say that in a sentence .............. Buckweet is stupid ........ very good Darla. Now who want to go next the teacher said. ........... buckweet razes his hand.......... Ok Buckweet can you spell dictate.......... Buckweet replide D I C T A T E ............. now can you say that in a sentence the teacher said. ........... and Buckweet said I,zmay be dumb and i,zmay be stupid but Darla say my dictate good.
This Penguin takes his car to a mechanic and says it is losing oil. The mechanic says this will take an hour to check out so the Penguin goes across the street to get an ice cream cone. Because the Penguin has no hands he gets ice cream all over his face and neck. When the Penguin goes to get his car the mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal" and the Penguin says "no, its just a little ice cream"! 31ACoupe
Here's another I don't have on my webpage: Guy is taking a tour of a hospital. Goes by a room & the nurse is giving a guy a hand job. "What's going on there?" he askes the doctor. Doc says the guy has a rare condition that requires *********** at least once daily. A few minites later they go by another room where a guy is getting a *******. "What about that??" the guy asked. Doc says "Same condition; better insurance." ;^D ~ Paul aka "Tha Driver" You just shot an unarmed man! "Well, he should have armed himself."
The Jalopy Journal
