I took my frypan to the speedway for the first time, and after a couple of heats she turns and asks me" how come the car in front always wins?" I just about pissed my pants!
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. "Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" Tommy Smothers
Lettered on a '53 Stude at El Mirage: "If you ain't 50, you don't understand." Comment about an Olds-powered Henry J: "Handles like a wheelbarrow with a safe in it."
When I was at a swap meet with a sign on my coupe advertising the flathead running gear for sale, a couple of old 'tiquers asked me why I was selling the drivetrain. After I told them I was going to rod it, they both said--in harmony--"You're gonna fuck that thing up". Yup, I did and they can kiss my ass.
I always liked the comment about a Lucas Electrics headlight switch: it has three positions, dim, flicker, and off. I took my dad to a small local cruise-in a few years ago. After checking out all of these '30's and '40's sedans, his only comment was "Gee, all of these old cars have two exhaust pipes!"
[ QUOTE ] Perfect for today: "It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra." [/ QUOTE ] ...on the shady side of an iceberg.
I'd rather chew broken glass than eat that shit... or That sounds like as much fun as getting an enema from a bull-dyke with a mullet...
After pulling a posi burn out in front of a local bar (not a patron, just driving by to scare the hotties in line) in my '49 the cop that was behind me (ooops) lit me up. When we stopped he litterally came running up screaming... "Get the fuck outa the car!" When I did... "Son, what is you major malfunction!!!" (Someone watched Full Metal Jacket one too many times.) I said.. "I don't know sir... Just drivin around with my head up my ass." I didn't get the ($1100 exibition of speed ) ticket...
[ QUOTE ] I had a 49 Ford, so low, I ran over a dime and got a nickle change...........OLDBEET [/ QUOTE ] That's OK. I had a race car with a suspension that was so stiff that I could feel it if I ran over a SHADOW! Best live ever is actually from a fairly bad movie, "Landspeed". The underdog land speed racers are standing in a group watching their big budget competitor's incredible race car being revealed. Mechanic: My dick suddenly seems very small... Engineer: ...mine seems to be growing... Driver: There's lots of room here. Why don't we spread out.
"talkin bout a racecar driver who couldn't drive at all,"he couldn't drive a sharp stick up a dead dogs ass" Shiny [/ QUOTE ] I like that one Shiny! K-MEMBER isn't that what you said about MARSHAL'S driving? HA!
At the drags in the late '60s and one of the "fueler's" crew had just pitched a smoking hot clutch disc on the ground. Some guy after a souvenir grabs it for just a second before getting rid of it. The racer ask: "Hot?" The kid answers: "Naw, Just don't take me all day to look at a clutch". 'Bout the same time frame, some guy is looking over "Grumpy" Jenkins Chevy II. He yelled over to the Grump "Hey mister that sure is a shiney car ya got there. Bet she'll go real fast."
Many moons ago, when I was a wee lad, was riding down the road with my elderly grandfather going about 20 mph in his 49 Plymouth when a young fella blew past us ( probably driving speed limit). My grandfather, an old retired preacher, yells at the guy "speed on brother, hell ain't half full!". Been my byline ever since.
Heard in the pits at Thompson Drag strip,"When that flywheel let go it sounded like two skeletons fucking in a garbage can!"
This happened to a cousin of mine: After a 12 hour day of work he has to takes a friend home to the Dallas area. On the way back he's in an accident (no one hurt). Officer ask him what happened here? His reply: "Hell I don't know, I was asleep".
couldn't hit a barn door with a Buick (no idea where I got it just seems to come out everytime I miss hitting anything....). Love the clutch plate story, a guy I know had a spectator pick up a con-rod he spat out of a rally escort once, apparently it was a little warm but fortunatly for the picker up still covered in hot oil so he could drop it. I still like Dogs balls and Belly buttons about things that everyone has....ie tri 5 Chevs
Heard a very busy mechanic say...; I feel like a mosquito in a "Nudist" colony..., I know what I got to do ..., but I don't know where to start...! "Drive it like you "Stole it"...! "Floor it till you see "GOD" then hit the brakes...! "Never drive faster than your Gardian Angel can Fly...! "Model A headlights are so dim...; you have to use a flashlight to see if there on"...! And in High school our motto was "STAB N STEER"!
How bout: "Like I used to tell my future ex-wife, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides it's all in the reflexes anyway"
[ QUOTE ] Comment about an Olds-powered Henry J: "Handles like a wheelbarrow with a safe in it." [/ QUOTE ] Damn that describes my Henry to a T...
"stands out like a dimond in a dogs ass" "Uglier than a sack of assholes" "even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while" To tela-marketers trying to sell me long distance service "sorry I don't have a phone" to the many people calling me at the body shop for price of repair "could you hold the phone a little closer to your car"
On the way to the Nationals, stopped for gas in Layfayette In. There was about 10 cars. Dude pulls up on his HD, put's in his 2.00 worth goes in to pay and when coming back out to leave he stops, looks at us and the rods and say's. "You guys can't afford to drive NEW CARS????". B B
Darker than the inside of a black cow. Hotter'n a fresh finger fucked fox in a forest fire. Wife's old man useta say he had a 65 plymouth wagon that'd stop on a dime and give ya 9 cents change.
"I took a muff dive once with this italian slut, only problem was I had to go to the dentist to get a hair cut"
said to me after makin a pass with a buddy of mine on our scoots,"not bad for an old bag of hammers huh?".about a year ago,a bunch of us were at a bike night at a bar about 45 minutes away from were we live,when a buddy of mine pipes up"lets head back to the avenue{meaning back to our neighborhood bar}last one there buys"and without really thinking i said,"aw fuck,better set the fun meter ta two clicks past quick",my freinds lost it and that slogan has stuck to me since.by the way,we made it home in 17 minutes and i did'nt have to buy shit ride fast or be last
The Jalopy Journal
