Borrowed this from the new Bonneville forum: After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
Holy shit I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard .... I haven't laughed that hard in a wile thanks, I just printed it out to take to work tomorrow
Qantas?? Since when did Qantas aircraft have targeting radars?? Funny stuff though but Im sure that one came from a military aircraft gripe (or down) sheet. Doc.
Yeah, same with IFF inoperative in O...F...F... mode. I heard that one about 26 years ago in the military, don't think civilian aircaft have Identification Friend of Foe.....
I used to be a service writer for a Lincoln dealer--had a customer bring in his 63 Lincoln ( in about 65) --he had left it in his garage for 4 -5 months while he was in Europe -- the garage had a leaky roof & water had seeped thru the right front door weatherstrip & saturated the carpet. It had TOADSTOOLS growing in the carpet. the W/Strip needed adjustment -- but to have a little fun with the Mechanic I wrote the repair order as " repair for growing mushrooms in carpet" . When I got the repair order back the Mecnhanic had written --- "Harvested Mushrooms --made omlet --- N/C "
Yeah, Doc, I suspect you're prolly right. And since when did Qantas have a "u" in it (as in the original posting)?
HAHAHA...that SO went on my Blog! Had somthing similiar when I was working for an event production company. The Stage Manager, Tech crews, and House staff all had a "gripe list" of their own that was submitted to the Directors after every performance day. Some of the crap that went back and forth was VERY close to that list! Thanks for the laugh bro!
Damn that's some funny shit no wondering they haven't had an accident just look at the way the mechanics solve there problems damn that was funny thanks
I agree with the concensus,it's prolly half made up, but at least it made my wife wonder what the hell I was up to!
that list has been going around the Air Force for a long time. As an Air Force maintainer myself, my personal favorite is "Remove and Replace Stick Acuator". The pilots never seem to find that one funny though.
In a similar vein, what's the silliest prank or joke you've pulled a "The New Guy" in the shop, or for you vets the Butter-bar Lieutenant or other such "fresh fish". Some Army motorpool classics were: 1. Sending them to Commo section for "squelch oil" (done so often, the commo team actually made up a bottle label). 2. Or a box of grid squares... 3. Or a new reticle (crosshairs for the gunsight) 4. We had one new Lt all freaked out 'cause we told him we needed the "keys to the travel-locks (Gun tube clamps) and must have signed for them. 5. New guys were told that when we were running up the turret hydraulics we had to spin the turrets around a bunch of times to keep them from unscrewing. 6. We'd have a 'cruit stand on each fender and take turns jumping to test the shocks (on a 67 ton tank yeah right)! 7. Before going to the wash rack we'd give em a ball-peen and some chalk and have them check for soft spots in the armor. 8. Once I sent a private to tell the Motor Sgt. (E7) that the Col. wanted a "prick e-7 in his office in an hour." ( a PRC-77 is a pack radio). Sarge was not amused!
On one operation when returning from a TAOR patroll we entered our position that was being held by the mythical SEALs (Wankers) to find them all sleeping. Good fucking protection for our arses huh?? We got our back when they did their patroll. The ground sloped down and away from the position to a small creek line about 2km off. As they reached the limit of the patroll, still in our visual we arked up over their heads with everything we had. Realy laid it on thick, and laughed our butts off watching them run like scared little kids back to the position. It was hard to keep a straight face when telling them, "You didnt see them?? Man there must have been atleast 20 of em and out in the open" Dont ever fuck with Aussy SF! Doc.
Naval Aviation tricks to noobs. Get 50ft of flightline Get 2 gallons of propwash Another technician repair for radio gripes was, "problem in pre-microphone stage, unable to duplicate reported trouble"
When I was in tha Marines, one of the guys in our Avionics department put this on a slip that a Major turned in on an F-4B Phantom intermittant radar problem: "Unable to duplicate. We believe this to be a loose connection between the switch panel and the seat." He got office hours and 2 weeks of plane washing for his humor.
NEVER do anything that can get traced! I was sitting in the motor pool office one day when the phone rang. Picked it up and was asked "Is my car ready?" I said "We got a lot of trucks and jeeps but no cars." Heard back, "Do you know who I am? I'm general soandso!" I replied, "Do you know who I am?" He says "No." I said "Good!" And hung up. Went to the PX right after! jerry
so this blonde drives to the local garage with her car spitting and sputtering terribly,after an hour or so the mechanic comes out to the waiting room where the blonde pops up and says well what is wrong with my car? the mechanic says "just shit in the carberator", the blonde says well how often do I have to do that?
After returning from a 'visit' to a platoon loc where I was being screwed around by of all thing officer cadets! I was a little pissed off but my driver was more so. He got out of the Rover and stormed across the Command Post without his hat on. The CSM saw him and called out.......... "Harry, where’s your fucking hat?" "Its in me pocket sir" "Why isn’t it on your head?" "'Cause my head wont fit in my fucking pocket, will it sir!" Odd thing is, the CSM just laughed and let him go..... Another one, I just heard of this one and saw the aftermath. The RSM was inspecting the Battalion on parade when he stoped at one soldier who, in the RSMs opinion was a poor soldier and dressed like a 'bag of shit', he pointed his pace stick at him and said. "There is a piece of shit on the end of this stick" With a little quick thinking he looked at the pace stick pointing at him and replied, "Its not on this end, SIR" That earned him 28 days in the clink Doc. __________________
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