So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

yall know jesus was a FORD man right?


I KNOW THIS BECAUSE HE WALKED EVERYWHERE HE WENT

 

guy walks into a bar and says have you heard the latest irish joke? the bartender says watch it buddy, me and the bouncer are both irish. the guy says thats ok I'll talk real slow slow.

 

I thought that Jesus was a Chrysler Man...

Said that he left the temple in a "FURY"...!

 

A man and his wife were getting ready for bed one evening . He was sitting in bed doing some reading. As she came from the shower she said to him " Honey , I'm feeling down. my boobs are sagging , and my ass has lost its shape. Tell me something positive that will make me feel better." He thought a second and replied " Well there's nothin wrong with your eyesight."

The Pope is cruising down the Daytona Beach shoreline in his Popemobile . About 100 feet from shore a man in a Cub's jersey(you can substitute rival sports teams or ethnic groups if you like)was being attacked by a great white shark. The Pope starts to summon help for the poor soul ,when just from around the point he spots a boat with 3 guys in White Sox jerseys racing full speed toward the Cub fan. They pull up, kill the shark and bring the Cubs fan into the boat. The Pope is standing in disbelief at what he just witnessed and motions for the guys in the boat to come near . As they approach he says "I would have never believed , if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. That there could be compassion for a Cubs Fan by a Sox Fan . You have set the example for all to follow. Go and show the rest of the world how man can put aside his differences and become one." And with that gave all his Papal blessing.
As the Pope pulled away . One Sox Fan said To the other ,"Who was that guy?". The other answered, "Why he's the Pope .The head of the Catholic Church. He teaches us right from wrong." .To which he replied "Hell he dont know a damned thing about shark fishing."

 

Close, but it was actually God that owned the Fury...he drove Adam and Eve from the garden in his Fury.

While God drives the Plymouth, Jesus drives a righteous Dodge: The Book says that when he comes back, he'll be riding a white Charger.

Brad

 

Our Top Story tonight: A man was found earlier today in a rice field, beaten to death with two porcelain figurines.

The police have no leads in this "Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack".

 

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

And
the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car........

 

An old man is wandering around a big home inprovement store when his cart runs into the cart of a young man wandering around the same store. The old man says excuse me, I was looking for my wife and didn't see you there. The young man says thats funny I am looking for my wife too. The old guy says how about we describe our wives and help each other out. The young guy says OK, my wife is 6 foot tall, flaming red hair, 40D breasts, and she is wearing a black leather mini skirt, what does your wife look like. Old guy says nevermind, lets both look for your wife.
CHAZ

 

DOCTOR PATIENT RELATIONSHIP

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to
sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single. Just let it go, Dave."

But another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave.............

Dave.............

Dave.............

Dave..........

Dave.............

You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard".

 

a guy and his buddie were headed to the dance and one asked the other what should he do ..
well ask the girl to dance .. dance and thank her and compliment her
after the guy had danced 3 songs with a girl he was slapped hard.

the guy asked what happened
well after we danced i told her underarm sweat did not smell real bad for a fat chick

 

There's an old man sitting on his porch one day when a young boy comes walkin' by draggin some chicken wire. the old man says " hey there young fella, where you goin with that chicken wire?" to which the boy replies "goin' to get me some chickens!" The old man says "that aint gonna work boy, ya'll must be crazy." About an hour later the boy comes back with a whole flock of chickens wrapped up in the wire. The old man could hardly believe it.
The next day the old man sees the boy walk by carryin' a roll of duct tape and of course he's gotta ask, " boy, where you goin' with that duct tape? To which the boy replies, "to get me some ducks." Well the old man says boy that aint gonna work boy, 'sides it's "duct" tape not "duck" tape you crazy fool. About an hour later , here comes the boy back with a flock of ducks wrapped up in the tape. Well, the old man is astounded.
The next day the old man sees the boy walk by carryin' a stick and he's gotta ask " Boy what are you carryin' today?" The boy replies, " A pussywillow." to which the old man replies, "hold on a minute there boy, let me get my hat and coat, I'm goin' with you!"

 

Ya know what they say about blind prostitutes.. you gotta hand it to her.

 

guy walks into a bar draggin a heavy 20 foot log chain, orders two shots ,downs them ,farts loudly and then drags the chain out.
he does this everyday for a over a week
the bartender gettin curious ask's
"why do you drag that chain in here ,down two shots , fart and drag the chain out?
the guy replies
"how fuckin stupid would i look trying to push the chain in here everyday!"

 

Some kids were sitting on a doorstep in a village in Italy listening to stories from an old man. "children, you see that bridge, I built that bridge with my bare hands. But does anyone remember Mario the bridge builder? No" Later he tells "you see that church, I built that churchwith my bare hands. But does anyone remember Mario the church builder? No. But a man fucks one goat!"

 

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:

"You're next,fatty."
---------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

--------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

 

2 nuns are riding there bikes through the back streets of rome.
nun 1: ive never come this way before?
nun 2: its the cobblestones!

a man finds a lantern, rubs it and 2 blondes pop out. they say he has 3 wishes so he takes them and suddenly wakes up in a big mansion filled with beautiful women. as he is walking around to all the women he notices that the floor is covered in $100 bills. while he is enjoying the women he hears a knock at the door and goes and opens it. standing there are 2 KKK members and they drag him outside, throw a rope over a tree and proceed to hang him with it.
as the two are walking away they take there hats off and it is the 2 blondes. one turns to the other and says "the money and the women I can understand, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man I will never know?"

sorry! im not a racist but for some sick reason I love that joke

 

Some nuns went on a visit to the zoo. They were looking at the gorillas when all of a sudden one of the gorillas grabbed one of the nuns, spun her around and did her from behind. They took her to the hospital to recover. Later that week some nun colleagues went to visit her. One said "gee sister, you must feel awful". The injured nun said "yes, it's been 5 days and he hasn't phoned, sent me flowers or anything".

 

How do you circumsize a Hillbilly??????





Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why do fags like ribbed condoms???




For better traction in da mud.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other???



We really do taste like chicken.

 

a bus load of nuns on the way to a religous retreat has a blow out..
the driver a surly old codger realizes he has no lug wrench to remove the wheel "damn this fuckin bus"
he tells the group of nuns of the dilema they say they will pray for help
while gettin her rosary out from her suitcase one nun finds a screwdiver
she yells to the man 'wanna screwdriver?

he answers '"might as well can't change the tire!"

 

one for the kids

the bear and d rabbit

so there is a bear and a rabbit in the woods and there both taking a shit. the bear leans over and asks the rabbit do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur? the rabbit says no why ? the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass

 

Do you know the difference....

between a lesbian and a triscuit?
One's a snack cracker and one's a crack snacker

between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
a woman in church has hope in her soul..

between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
an epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits..

You've got to figure out the last two...

 

Whats a dodgy priest and a bad pint of Guinness got in common
they will both rip the arsh out of yea if your not careful

 

An english man is on vacation in New york, while wateing for a bus a woman sits down and along comes a gust of wind and blows her skirt over her head. The man trying to be nice says airy aint it, she replys, what do you expect feathers.

 

That is funny!

And now for something completely different: What do you call a can of tuna on a lesbian’s nightstand?

Potpourri

 

Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids?
They circumsized him and used his foreskin........

Now he is cockeyed.

 

A white guy goes to jail and is put in a cell with a huge black guy. The black guy says "don't worry, everythings gonna be ok, But...theres one thing we have to work out...do you want to be the man, or the woman?" So the guy thinks a bit and says "I'll be the man" black guy says "Ok, now come over here and suck your wifes d**k"

 

What do you call a can of tuna in a lesbians back pocket?




chew

 

Where does an Irish family go in vacation?
A different Pub.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

I am part Irish and part Mexican, I like to sleep all day, if you wake me up I am madder than hell. Time to get another beer!

 

What is the most often pick up line in a gay bar?
May I push in your stool?

How do you get 4 gays on a bar stool?
Turn it upsidedown!

 

Why do lawyers where neckties?
So the foreskin doesnt roll up over their face!