funny things to say, words you use

"that would bring tears to a glass eye"
Randy

 

Q: How are you?
A: Not too bad...just ask your wife!

 

..."You musta ate a whole bowl of 'stupid' for breakfast".



..."If dirt was dumb, you'd be a half acre".

 

" Dumber than a bag of hammers"

 

I got a janky hooptee

 

"Crazier'n a pet coon"

"Does the Pope wear a silly hat?" (response to dumb questions)

"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind" (confusion)

"He just about shit little green martians..."

"I'm no rocket surgeon, but........"

"Like monkeys f****in a football"

"I can't believe it. We can put a goddamn monkey in space, but we can't teach you to (fill in blank)"

 

Quality stuff so far ..

She is so tall she could goose hunt with a rake . .(tall)


She is so fat, tell her to haul ass it would take two trips

She is so fat, if she broke her leg ..gravy would spill out


She has gave more rides than greyhound (slut)

 

I had to change this one to be more PC


That thing is fucked up like a rednecks check book

 

A guy at work uses this one:
"I'm so hungry, my asshole is eating my underwear"

Another hungy one:
"I'm so hungry, I could eat the floorboards out of a manure spreader"

One of my grandfathers finest, refering to having the runs:
"I could have shit through a screen door"

Refering to someone with body odor:
"He/she smells nastier than a menstrating skunk"

 

He's so tight you couldn't pull a needle out of his butt with a tractor.

She's got a butter face... Everything's good but her face

I wouldn't say shes ugly.. but she looks normal in the back of a spoon

 

"Six of one ,half a dozen of another" or "Not like a house rat but like rat now!" Michael

 

Oh yeah "It aint cold till your piss freezes before it hits the ground" Got that from my Greatgrandfather!

 

Worthless as tits on a bore!

 

My old man used to say it was pissed compiexioned when he was up set at things.

 

I work at a Chrysler dealership....when someone asks me hows it going I reply "Its going and if it ain,t going thats why I,m there, to get it going!"

 

Do bears shit in the woods?
Is a pigs ass pork?
Do fat baby's fart?

 

Oh yeah....Here,s a quarter ....call someone who gives a fuck!
You have obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a fuck!

 

lower then whale shit,an that lies on the bottom of the sea

 

siss on you pisster your not so mucking fuch go in your on jack yard and back off

 

The reason a cat licks it's ass is to get the taste out of it's mouth.
deChrome

 

"I'm so hungry I could eat the south end of a north bound mule!" and when someone ask me "Whats up?" I say "A chickens butt when he eats!"

 

Call you back when I have more windshield time.

 

"I'd give my left nut for...."

"That'd be like stickin your dick in a coffe can" (sleazy chicks)

My personal favorite lately "Good thing I didn't try to fart it out"... after leaving the bathroom and taking a dump.

 

Come back when you can't stay so long.

Does Pinochhio have a wooden dick?

Close enough for government work.

and just Google "cowboy wisdom" for some great sayings.

 

(My then 16-year-old wife's grandpa in 1994, upon pulling out the dipstick on her slant 6-powered truck) "Shoooooo-weeeeee... longer'n a whore's dream, id'n it?"

~Jason

 

When I would order breakfast at a truck stop, I'd say:
"I want my eggs over easy as a $10 hooker, my toast as brown as the asses in a Mexican whorehouse, and my bacon as floppy as the wrist on a 'Frisco Faggot".

 

Some of these are great!

Courtesy of my Grandmother ...

Higher n'a cat's back
High as a Georgia Pine.
You's built backwards - yer feets is stinkin and yer nose is runnin'.
Havin dinner tonight with the whole fam damily.
dodgamfuthermuckinbunofasitch!
mofo - a classic
sheeeeeeeit - another classic
jesus jumped up christ in a sidecar!
kiss my grits
kiss my rebel ass

To a girl you like - "I really dig your chili" works every time.

 

she was so ugly, I had to chew my arm off to leave"

That's the definition of a coyote date

 

Railer or Railed = Not Good

i.e.: "Dude,, don't pay ten bucks for that fender, it's totally railed!"

 

I forgot more than youll ever know