Stupid Tech...How NOT to buy a car!!!

I've been to big cities before...Hell, I live a quarter bounce from DETROIT for crying out loud! I've driven through it's ghettos, and been inside of it's charming embrace more times than I can count.

Stepping over crashed out junkies off of a New York subway to take my first glimpse of that town hardly phased me...nor did riding next to the real life Archie Bunker on a Jersey subway.

Atlanta, Akron, Miami, Philadelphia and Toledo have all played host to Da Hack, and I'm proud to say that each was a unique pleasure in it's own particular way.

Then, there's Chicago!

NEVER been there before last night, but I figured it couldn't be too bad...not for a life long DETROITER, anyway! What could it possibly hold in store that would be able to surprise me?

Having bought a car off of e-gay, and needing to drive said car home, lead to frantic search for a second willing driver to go along on the mission after the first one bailed. It took all day Sunday, but at 3pm, we were on our way!

(I talked an old buddy into it finally...promising him "free food, adventure and fun!" )

Following Yahoo's directions added a few miles to the trip...taking I-94 to I-69 down to the 80-90 into Chicago works out to 304 miles one way...but the drive wasn't bad at all.

(Got a Hardees fix along the way...things were looking good at that point!)

Upon arriving at our specified exit, my first observation was that the homeless chicks in Chicago were actually kinda cute, compared to their Detroit counterparts. One kindly offered to wash our windows as we sat at the light taking in our surroundings...the world about us took on a whole new look through streaky, funkified glass...interesting so far! My buddy and I remarked to each other that you don't see semi-attractive white gals living out of shopping carts in Motown...maybe Chicago was a kind of "friendly ghetto"?!

A few minutes later, we arrived at our destination...in a dark alley behind rows of towering, run-down apartment type dwellings. Taliking on the phone to the seller who was on his way down to meet us. Doors locked, fists clenched...this is NOT a drill!

Boy, he sounded older on the phone!

A smiling bald kid in a punk rock sleeveless black shirt arrived to greet us and the deal began. Car fired right up, and everything seemed to work okay...eyes darting about cautiously, cash was handed over, and we were on our way!

Might have been a touch of irony in that banner we passed under on the freeway that read "Easy come...Easy GO!". In hindsight, it echoed as a sort of "Fuck you, thank you for visiting our fair city!" message.

Anyone who has driven older cars any length of time knows full well that the muffled 'clump' that sounds just like a stip of rubber hitting the bottom of a car hood usually means you can expect to see one or more indicator lights on the dash real soon, and that there's a possibility that you may be surprised at the next corner when you turn the wheel to find the power steering inopperative. Fuck...I hope it was just the...nope...battery light tells the tale...alternator belt took a quick exit stage left!!!

Does it turn the water pump on this car, too? Shit...I don't know...but watch for the temp light, asshole...whatchya gonna do NOW?

Your mind races as you roll along the freeway through the Ghetto of all Ghettos...which exit offers the best chance of finding a gas station where we can splash some fuel in this bitch and head for friendlier turf to examine our options???

Taking an exit at random, we slide into a gas station crawling with life...looking like a scene right out of "COPS", we got two white guys slugging it out ten feet from the car, a black lady propositioning the truck driver across the street, a kid that couldn't be ten years old walking barefoot through the parking lot rumaging through garbage cans...good a place as any, right?!?

I pay for five dollars worth of gas and pump it quickly with a Zippo concealed in my free hand...an impromptu flamethrower my only weapon should Beavis and Butthead over by the stack of tires decide that kicking the shit out of each other wouldn't be as much fun as comming after ME! Gotta love this place!

A real quick look under the hood shows the alternator belt gone...but we ain't staying HERE to deal with it, so I slam the hood and roar off back to the freeway with the running lights on, but headlights off at about 10pm!

Passing a couple of Chicago cops on the fucked up freeway with the train running down the middle of it, I began to reach the conclusion that explaining my situation might just find me sitting in a ghetto jail cell all night...so I opt for one more exit...and bail before the car has a chance to use up it's new battery and leave me stranded on the Skyway or some shit.

With my nerves shot to Hell, I dive into the comfort of my old daily and tell my friend to "just DRIVE". Took me two hours to stop shaking and come back down to whatever qualifies as a normal heart rate for a guy my age!!!

The car is sitting in a Citgo station on 79th Street and I-94...the title and keys are still in my jacket pocket. It runs and drives PERFECT...except for the fact that it's running on the battery...I'm out all my cash...and got plowed-to-the-wall DRUNK after work today to ease the fucking pain...

I hate my life...

 

sounds like you need a hamb helper in the area to lay down some cover while you go and get it again,

 

South side or West side? Both are pretty fucking nasty. I know that feeling -- like you're just about 30 seconds from having some major shit done to you, and knowing that when it goes down nobody will even glance at it happening. Ugh.

Good luck with the rest of your car-buying adventure!

Dave

 

Hack you're a funny man. If I ever get back to that part of the planet I'm gonna look you up and buy you a few rounds of whatever you'll have just to thank you for the laffs. Fact is I once lost a belt in the middle of nowhere and managed to tie my bootlace around the three pullys so tight I was able to drive the car 30 miles to the nearest town. No joke. Pulled the thing up tighter than a bulls ass at fly time, put a square knot in it, trimmed of the excess and pressed on. Good luck bro, and keep smileing.

 

Somebody in Chicago has to know somebody to fetch (tow) the Hacktation and put it somewhere safer til next weekend...

Somebody? Anybody? Hack is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.

This should also serve as a lesson to you Greg, always wear your pantyhose when picking up a car

 

pm'ed you... we NEED to move that car...

 

Never thought YOU'd be the wuzzie type.... suck it up boy and head back there during DAYLIGHT hours with a new belt in your purse and a couple of tools in your pants. Five minute fix and your heading to the highway. Do it Saturday, with DirtyT as the brave co-pilot. Your mission will be completed by sundown...or at least you'll make it back safely to Michigan by sundown.

Don't forget to pick up your "present" on my back porch on your way thru Livonia.

 

so what? you just going to leave it there? 79th and the ryan? i used to walk away from the churchs fried chicken there folding $60-70 and stuffing it into my pocket after delivering the fizz for there beverage system. they wouldn't let me in the back door where it was all nice and safe, just handed me the cash thru the security bars across the counter. it made my white ass feel special. what kind of car is it? what size belt?

 

Holy crap. Only Fat Hack. BTW...when I was in high school, we used to throw stuf (bottles, boards, shoes...whatever was handy really) at people just like you described. Never even got beat down or nuthin!!

 

Damn dude, I wish to God I still lived in Toledo--I'd have run there with you. Too bad the shitgo station didn't sell pantyhose to sub as an alternator belt.

I once drove a couple hundred miles round trip in a borrowed Ford truck with a plugged up catalytic converter (max speed--50mph with the trailer EMPTY) to pick up a free '72 Road Runner. In Florida. That was sitting in waist high weeds. When the guy said "watch out for rattle snakes" he wasn't kidding. Black Widows, too. There was a hornets nest, but they were sleeping, thankfully.
He was a postal worker, on permanent leave for "stress and anger management" issues. No shit.
Drove home at 2am on a road that was closed two hours later due to the forest fire jumping across it. That would explain the 30 miles of thick smoke. Total trip took something like 13 hours.

Then I saw the car in the daylight. I traded the 14-inch Rallye wheels to a guy for...something, I don't remember what. A nice black man with an ugly pick-up truck, a huge Propane bottle and torch eventually took the car away for me, all in nice little pieces that stacked in the bed, and it only cost me $100. Plus 4 tanks of gas in the truck when I picked it up. And endless ridicule from friends and co-workers.

Then ther was the 12 hours each way, alone, to pick up my wagon--in the biggest Ryder truck you can rent without a CDL and a trailer. I'd never driven a truck that big, or pulled a trailer before. On the way home, I ended up on a one-lane country road with a dead-end on one leg of the fork in the road, and who-knew-what in the other. I pulled up the first leg of the "Y", backed the trailer down the second leg of the "Y" and did a literal "Y" turn in the road--10pm, alone, nothing but cows and a barking dog to witness it.

Nothing like a road trip to get a car!

-Brad

 

yea im all about a bonzi run going to rescue this "car" but cant do it till sunday cause im moving saterday. can somebody get this thing moved some how?? i allready feel like a dick since its kinda my fault for cancling at the last minute cause i had to finda place to live... let get r done!!

 

did you at least make arrangements with the gas station to leave it there? we're talking about chicago. that sucker was probably towed 5 minutes after you left. towing fees, storage costs, please tell me you talked to the people at the station.

 

I didn't talk to ANYONE on the scene...but hours later, when I was calmed down a bit, we made jokes about seeing the car pass by us or something!

By the way...

 

THATS the car?!?!?!

cut your losses and dump it lol

Good luck, I dont know much about these dangerous places, but be careful I guess

 

Is that the car??? Thom is right, that car needs to be moved. I normally do not live to far from there, but i am in college in Milwaukee. I come home Thursday and might be able to help out, but i dont have a trailer or truck. I will take a ride with someone though. Better see if i need to buy ammo... just kidding haha.
Lil Joe

 

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(Ha ha ha...I just reffered to a Metro as "expensive"!!! )

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haha lol you kill me hack

I can see what you mean about wanting a good work car though
nothing a little flat black and red krylon wont fix eh? lol

I suppose you want your lowering kit back now?

 

Holy CRAP! It's a citation. Well, ahem.......uhhhh. It's prolly gone now anyway..
Didja have theft insurance on it yet?

 

A CITATION ? Damn! Big hairy guys in citations scare the hell outa all everyone .You shoulda TOLD someone they was helpin! Hope it works out for ya hack. good luck . swaZZie

 

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Taking an exit at random, we slide into a gas station crawling with life...looking like a scene right out of "COPS", we got two white guys slugging it out ten feet from the car, a black lady propositioning the truck driver across the street, a kid that couldn't be ten years old walking barefoot through the parking lot rumaging through garbage cans...good a place as any, right?!?



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I thought you went to Chicago, not Fresno.

 

You had to go all the way to Chicago to get THAT?!?
As Bugs Bunny would say "What a ma-roon."

 

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell y'all about the trip BACK!

This semi was ridin' my ass for miles, so I pulled over and let him pass. I slid in behind him, and POOF! A fine red mist punctuated with fur, legs and rolling eyeballs appears in the headlights! He CREAMED a deer and we slid through the vapor trail!!!

About an hour after that, we were stuck behind another semi, and I said something to my buddy about the chunks of mud bouncing out of the trailer on that one. He yelled "That's a CATTLE HAULER, you dope...and that ain't no MUD bouncing off our hood!!!"

Nice touch!!!

 

I don't think I ever saw "Citation" and "reliable" in the same sentence before! good luck man on both counts
Mike

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Muttley you crack me up. Motel Drive and Belmont just off 99. Any fresno guys know what I'm talkin about. One thing though our ladies of the night ain't pretty

 

If that is the car, and it didnt get towed or the boot, they probably left it alone. At worst they probably just went joy riding.
Lil Joe

 

Hack
If chitown is anything like when I was growin up there in the stone age ( I know it's worse ) the batery and tires where gone 1/2 hour after you left it and the glass is all broke out now.

 

O.K., the trip to go get this mechanical jewel was bad enough, but the return trip - LMMFAO!

 

THANX Man ... Thanx a LOT !!

 

Did you check to see if there were any bodies in the trunk?!

 

At least Citations are "No deposit...no return"

 

Damn Hack, isn't that the car from those comercials were it's actually a car cover?

You should have switched out the battery out of the Metro every 50 miles or so, now you have to go back and re-live the dream.