One fine summer day "5X" was out cruising the Kansas country side in his newly finished, 700hp powered by 427 Ford, chopped 29 Model A. As he was setting at a light on the main drag of Poverty Flats. A 10 year old boy, Lester, stuck his head in the window and said "This is the coolest car I've ever seen!" "Someday I want a car like this." 5X was impressed with this kids enthusiasum. He said "stay in school and work real hard and some day you might build you own hot rod. 5X thought he'd give the young feller something to talk about. When the light changed He stood on it! Boiling the tires through all 4 gears and leaving piles of rubber down main street. By the time he hit the "Ya'll Come Back". sign(800ft away) he was doing 140. Feeling pretty impressed Mr 5X cruised on down the road. He checked his rear view mirror. There was a speck the horizon behind him but closing fast. Swoosh!! it went flying past the model A like it was standing still. Then it started coming back towards the car. ZIPPPP!! Back behind rod. Once more the object starts accelerating towards the fast old Ford. CRASH!!! Right into the back of X's car. He stops to see what the heck this UFO was. There's poor Lester. Bike mangled. Lester has some bumps, cuts and bruises. OMG!! kid, what happened!! "That was real cool n all mister but next time make sure my suspenders ain't caught on yer roll bar."
Great Rendition... This is how I heard it! Rat Fink builds the best car in the world it's called the Stealth 2000 and it runs Rat Fink about $500,000.00 just ta build the thing. Rat Fink takes her out for a spin and while doing so, stops fer a red light. Rat Funk, Rat Fink's pappy pulls up next to him on his Moped and looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" Rat Fink replies "Well Pappy its my new Stealth 2000 Turbo Roadster. It cost me $500,000 ta build" "That's a lotta money!" says Pappy, shocked. "Why did it cost ya so much sonny ?" "Cuz this car can do up to 220 miles per hour!" says Rat Fink proudly. Pappy asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies Rat Fink. So Pappy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his Moped, Pappy says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so Rat Fink decides to show Pappy what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 220mph. Rat Fink notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast! Rat Fink wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Stealth 2000 ?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like Pappy on the Moped! "Couldn't be" thinks the Rat Fink. "How could a Moped outrun my Stealth 2000?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ka-BbbbbbbbaMMMMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. Rat Fink jumps out and it is Pappy ! Of course, the moped and Pappy are hurt'in for certain. Rat Fink runs up to Pappy and asks 'em, "Are ya hurt bad Pappy ! Is there anything I can do fer ya ?" Pappy replies, "Yeah. Ya can unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"
Another one for ya! Rat Fink was bragging to Born Bad one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, Born Bad called his bluff, "OK, Rat Fink how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Rat Fink and Born Bad fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Rat Fink! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Born Bad is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Rat Fink that he thinks Rat Fink's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Rat Fink says. "President Clinton," Born Bad quickly retorts. "Yes," Rat Fink says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." So off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Rat Fink on the tour and motions him and Born Bad over, saying, "Why Rat Fink, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a soda first and catch up." Well, Bone Bad is pretty shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Rat Fink, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," Born Bad replies. "Sure!" says Rat Fink. "I got relatives from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Rat Fink and Born Bad are ***embled with the m***es in Vatican Square when Rat Fink says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye a**** all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Rat Fink emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Rat Fink returns, he finds that Born Bad has had fainted and woz surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to Born Bads' side, Rat Fink asks him, "What happened ?" Born Bad looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Rat Fink ?"
You know why a chicken coop has two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
I want to know how 5X's car gets up to 140 MPH in 800 feet with a Ford engine. Must be a "Pro" involved.
#### Damn thing is I don't think that there's one kid in the entire town named Lester !!! >>>>. #### Hell Yes It's a ""Pro Thing"" It involves a Cowboy Hat a Snake and 350 steps from the Office to the Shop !!! >>>>.
As the the old Engine Pro spins his yarn he says " I remember when I had the biggest Kielbasa around here for miles and miles." His old pal Poverty Flats interupts him with " I remember when a hot rod ******* cruiser lady came all the way from Michigan just to see me." The Pro then says " Was that the same year that big farm boy Bob from Wisconsin came to town in that hemi powered Willys coupe that was SO fast he ran over his own foot?" "No!" Poverty says, "that ain't what happened at all."
"He broke his foot while slamming that accelerator pedal down leaving the starting line" Poverty said. "Oh that's just crazy" said Cuzzindeke who had just walked in and sat down. "Not possible".
Engine Pro: "Remember that Okie that came to town that summer in that old red Chevy farm truck with a camper shell on it that ran away from every car it raced?" "Yep", said Cuzzindeke........"damndest thing I ever saw."
'member the time in Kansas when the Pro actually showed up and poor old Poverty had to dig up another cream can just to pay off his debt. Poor ol' Poverty couldn't afford a new pair of overalls for another three years. He even had to weave his own straw hat from wheat straw.
True story......I never thought he would show. And Bob, you would wear a straw hat too if you didn't have any shade trees around for as far as you could see.
I think my jokes been hijacked.. It's just getting funnier though. Keep it up. You Kansas guys is whacky! Wait...Eyez 1, 2. Sheet!!
It's a Lemans hardtop, it's supposed to look like that. I can't believe some damned fool let that lady drive the thing in the first place. On the bright side, when you see the carnage at the accident site on the front end, it becomes obvious that it's a fibergl*** body. At least no vintage aluminum was harmed in the commission of that act of blatant stupidity. BTW, that Rat Fink and the Pope joke just about made me fall out of my chair. True story of mine, that could have easily been a made up joke: Rookie comes rolling in with a shiny new dirt B-modified (two barrel, steel heads, gas, 2,800 LB min), and unloads next to my rig in the pits. He's never raced a thing, but he says he's got it all squared away (first sign of trouble). He goes out and runs his heat race, finishes dead last, getting lapped in just five laps. Me and this older fellow Charlie were leaning against the spoiler of my car shooting the ****, when this guy ambles over and asks us what he can do to go faster. We both look at each other, and then ask him how he's got it set up. He lays it all out, and it sounds right. I was strapped into my car in the staging lanes when he ran his race, but Charlie said it sounded like he was lifting too early. These dirt cars won't turn right until you throw 'em at the corner hard enough, so until they've spun one out trying, you can't ever tell if a Rookie push is a real push, or just a lack of testicular for***ude. So I tell him, "Look, you're not carrying enough speed into the corner. Run it in until you think you should lift, and keep the throttle down for just a tick longer. Push it in harder each corner until it either turns or comes out from under you." Then Charlie gives the best/worst advice I've ever heard at a race track, "That'll take forever, just run it in there 'till you think you should lift and count to three, THEN lift. It'll turn a lot better." Of course, unbeknowst to all of us (the rook included), he had a bent shaft on the right front shock, so when the car rolled over, that corner went solid. ANY car would push with the suspension in that condition, no matter how hard you lay on it. Well, none of us knew that the shock was bent, us because we didn't pour over the guy's car, and him because he didn't know any better. So feature time comes, and on the first lap, this guy took Charlie's advice to the letter, of course, with that bent shock, it didn't turn, and so me and Charlie watch with our mouths agape as this poor ******* goes all the way up across the race track, off the top of the banking (no outside walls there), into the air, then through the perimeter chain link fence, and into the spectator parking lot, big ball of dust included. Me and Charlie look at each other and Charlie says, "Good Christ! We've killed him!" Us and about 25 other guys take out across the track and down the back side of the bank to go find the rook and make sure he ain't dead. He wasn't dead. But he also wouldn't get out of his car. He just sat there, death grip on the wheel. He got real lucky that he didn't wipe out some random spectator's car, or end up on his lid. They put him on the hook and drug his somewhat less shiny race car back into the pits and unhooked him. I got in my car and ran my feature. When I pulled back in, he was still strapped into the seat, though he had taken off his helmet by now. Charlie saved the day though. He wandered over to the guy while he was setting there, still strapped in (nearly an hour after he'd had is ride), and asked him, "Well, how you like dirt racin'?" Said with a dead straight face. The guy just looked at him for a minute or so and finally just started shaking his head and laughing. We pull him out of the ****pit and put his wrinkled up car in the air to see what all was broke. Not a huge amount of damage, and we pointed him at the things he needed to fix. Of course, rookie luck being what it is, he came back the next week and put it on it's lid. All on his own this time. It only took them about five minutes to get him out of the car this time, though his good humor was somewhat diminished. I'll never forget the look on Charlie's face though. Good Christ! We've killed him! Cl***ic.
The Jalopy Journal
