Greatest car magazine article of all time (Tony Defeo)

Wait... let's get something a little more "hamb friendly"...

 

Seems like you're in the minority on this one. It's funny.

 

...."Janet Reno".

"What the fuck!" I thought to myself. This is getting weirder and weirder.

"I'm glad to see you on your feet." She said with a twisted smile. "Do you like our new beta-class Suzies?"

"Wha...Whats going on?" I managed a croak.

"Oh you'll see firsthand." She said flatly as she walked towards the suzies. "They're our best yet. Undetectable by humans and dogs, and completely adaptable to any situation."

She flicked some hidden switch on one of the suzies' back. A few seconds went by and she came to life, a blank expression plastered on her angelic face.

"Status?" Asked the former Attorney General.

"All systems online, prepared for data upload." Said the suzy.

"All right, what the fuck is going on?" I couldn't take what was happening. Too much input, not enough info.

"You're crucial to our..situation... to put it bluntly." Janet said. "You're the only one that can...

 

Rumor has it that guy was shot and killed in a bar in Queens back in the 80's

 

What is the "other board" I've see mentioned here a couple times now? Am I missing something?

 

".....that can", that can...that can WHAT?!
Sicko......

 

"...defeat a suzy, Mr. Bumpstick."

I was still confused. "What?"

"You see, the Suzy you encountered earlier was programmed with an important mission. For some reason when she scanned you she became enamoured. Her primary mission was scrambled in her effort to seduce you. Of course our only option was to bring you in and determine exactly what information she leaked, if any." Ms. Reno explained. "Of course our only option at this point is to kill you. I do apologize."

With that the rest of the suzies came on. They sure as hell didn't waste any time! I looked around and tried to asses my situation.. Basically I'm in a room with Janet Reno with a bunch of hot robots trying to kill me. Got it. I ran for the far side of the room scanning with my eyes for something that can get me out of this mess. As I reached the far wall one of the suzies dropped from above and landed in a "crouching tiger, hidden circuits" position. I screamed like a little girl, not my best moment, but she reached up and threw me behind her. "Get outta here, through that grate!" She pointed at the floor behind me.

I didn't hesitate. I dove through the plastic grate. It was like a long slide... but not fun. I emerged outside the building in a puddle of dirty rainwater. Wet, shaken, but alive. Why did that suzy save me? What the hell was Janet Reno doing there? I pondered these questions while making my way through an alley towards a busy street. I wondered where I was. Large city. America, at least I thought it was. I turned to get the hell outta there when a yellow taxi screeched to a halt in front of me. The door was thrown open... "Get in if you don't want to die!" Called a womans voice. I don't know what compelled me to get in that cab, but I did it anyway. He pulled away from the curb and the woman turned to look at me.

"Suzy?" I said.

"Yes." She replied. "We have to get you out of here. Our whole world is in danger. And you don't know who you really are."...

 

The other thread is on moparts, Defeo is posting in a thread and people are scanning and posting some of his old work.

 

Yup. I remember when I worked for Super Chevy magazine. My first six months there I commented to my editor that every car story was exactly the same.

*Guy either had one like it in High School or always wanted one since High School.

* Guy is in his early 50's now, his boners are getting soft and wants a muscle car.

*Plunders his 401K and gets a second mortgage on the house (remember housing was sky rocketing a few years back).

*Buys all the shit he's supposed to cause the magazine tells him he has to have this stuff.

*Never drives the car because he spent too much money on it and is afraid he might scratch his multi-colored rainbow paint job.

* has a small block or big block (of course) with Blah, blah at blah duration, and a blah intake with blah compression, with blah wheels "wrapped" or "shod" in blah rubber, with over 500+ blah, blah horsepower he never drives it past 40MPH (cause he might break it) cause his blah blah gears and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Sounds like Charlie Browns parents talking.

It got to be very mentally constipating to try to tell the same story over and over again and try to make it sound different every time.

 

LOL! I liked Cars mag a lot in the 70s, don't remember these articles.

What's the story on that?

 

Hell Yea...... I read everything Defeo wrote for Cars. Does anyone remember his black 5.0 LX ? or his mopar adventures (HA!HA!)? Really it was a killer magazine

 

Oh Man! Can you imagine if we had writers and editors like this these days... for instance in OSR! F great... I might acutally buy it then!

 

That is pretty good! Did he ever write for AutoBuff?

 

Dagwood Bumpstick and Blondie. Heh, cute.....

Good article, that shit must get tedious for guys trying to turn out articles

 

AutoBuff... I remember that mag! LOL

Cars Illustrated was like everything Car Craft is trying to be, but it was REAL. You could tell that those dudes were real street racers, building shit in their garages and thrashing it on the weekend, with NO money from paid advertisers. They called it like they saw it. I guess they could get away with it because it seemed like none of the big names actually advertised in their mag.

Not to pick on Car Craft too much, as I do think they have some of the best low-buck tech articles going these days...

 

That is really funny. I love it.

 

Very funny! Reminds me of some of the stuff in Dice mag.....without the drugs.

 

Now that's funny!

 

I remember Autobuff, but never heard of Cars Illustrated. Sure wished I had. That is some funny stuff.

 

Awesome.

 

tony told me that in the lanes at englishtown when I asked about cars illustrated , the establishment shut em down

 

Fucking epic.

 

Pulled out her johnson

 

That shit is FUNNY AS HELL!!!
haha...
Remember when car mags were full of blunt, cuss-riddled, NON-PC lingo...
This one takes the cake, though, for sure!
My, how things change...

 

I remember the magazine but don't remember these articles at all. Very strange.

Cars Illustrated was probably shut down by the same thing that shuts down any magazine...a lack of paying readers (subscribers), low news stand circulation, not enough advertising revenue.
The "MAN", or "ESTABLISHMENT", isn't the villain in these things, it is simple economics. It takes money to run a magazine and if you don't earn it, you close down... simple enough.

 

Tony is the man. I remember the 12.99 for $1299 article in Mopar Action and one in Cars magazine with him porting the heads for his 5.0 Mustang sitting on the toilet.

I asked Rick Ehrenberg (who worked with DeFeo at Cars and Mopar Action) what happened to Tony and he just said "I think he runs a coffee shop in Jersey now, and he put out a book 'How To Pick Up Women, the DeFeo Method'"

 

Now that's funny. Guy had balls and a great sense of humor. Fuck em if they can't take a joke!

 

This article is hilarious! LOL! Intriguing even. And it's a perfect example of being jaded by the hobby. Might've been in Rod & Custom that I once read something that touched on this problem. I grew up with muscle-cars, (in the seventies, they were cheap and lots of guys had 'em) and I became "jaded" by them a long time ago. IMO, kinda boring compared to hot rods......slab-sided, factory-built, no ingenuity, but they allowed a lot of people to have a bad-assed car. It was all pretty neat, but again, they just don't have the persona, the character, the history....the soul that a hot rod has! No kidding, I've had the hot rod bug since I was 4 yrs. old, when I first heard those greaser-hoodlum-neighbor-boys (Gods to me at the time) outside our duplex revvin' the crap out of a late 40's Ford coupe.......and I have never been "jaded" by hot rods. I did get a little distracted by the muscle-cars for a while, most did, but the passion for hot rods remained....

This article is funny, but you know what's funnier?...you guys!.............I laugh to tears reading some of the stuff you guys come up with!!! DreddyBear...you absolutely had me bustin' a gut reading your continuation of "Suzy", and Jeems...hahahahahah!.....cryin' for the next episode!!!!! hahahahahahaha!!!! Rick

 

PS...That's Dreddybear...not DreddyBear. And Jeem...not Jeems. Duh. Rick

 

He should come out of retirement to apply that same sarcasm to r#t rods
pretty funny