Don't ask me how I know you don't work under the dash on a real hot day, and let a drop light touch the top of your sweaty head, in a garage with an un-grounded electrical system.
Dont aske me how i know that when your pulling a car up your steepish driveway and you kill the engine in the the vehicle you are pulling the other one with which jolts the towed car farward and the chain comes unhooked and rolls back down the driveway into my old A coupe which intern runs into the back wall of my car port. dont ask me how i know that when you jump start a car, make sure the other guy has it in park, not in reverse, and no one is standing inbetween the two cars. dont ask me how i know that when you have the timing lite hooked up and your timing a car that you should make sure the wires arent near the fan.
oh yeah, the best one, dont ask me how i know that when you are grinding 10 feet away from the garbage can, and dont have a lid on it, and have cardboard and other flamables, and it lites on fire, and you move it out of the garage, dont try and move it a second time, and while moving it you touch a "hot" spot and burn all five of you fingers and your entire palm, dont ask me how i know that.
don't ask me how i know not to put your chuck-taylor covered foot directly under a piece of sheet metal you happen to be plasma-cutting...don't ask me how i know not to kneel down and look directly at the stubborn air-line fitting that you're trying to unhook from the compressor...don't ask me how i know not to rub your bare arms with your bare hands after die grinding for 2 hours....don't ask me how i know not to use a wire wheel with no shirt on...
dont ask how I know, but when you unload a new project car (roller) from your trailer into your shop, dont assume that the brakes actually work. After the car starts moving backwards and down the ramps, it tends to take off quickly and start a domino effect that will 1) ram into your dads freshly done 57 chevy convertible frame, mangling the rear crossmember, 2) send the said chevy frame into the newly built 454 sitting behind it, denting a chrome valve cover and ripping the oil filter off 3) smash the said 454 into a turbo 400 sitting 2 feet behind it and finally 4) push the said transmission into the steel wall, denting it. all in about 3 seconds but dont ask me how I know
Don't ask me how I know that when your hydraulic jack takes a shit, you don't use a wimpy scissor jack to take your car off jack stands because you are in a fuckin' hurry. Then just move the stands over as you crank it down and it falls sideways onto the jack stands, going through the nice sheet metal gas tank, which by the way is full. Oh and also be sure to just barely get out from under the car as it heads earthward because the handle is 1 foot long! (Yep, I'm not a knothead!!!)-MIKE
Don't ask me how I know... That snatching off a steering wheel will leave you knocked out for a second, and a huge knot on your skull that lasts for days! That pulling down the garage door from the OUTSIDE will smash all your fingers and leave them throbbing, just like on the cartoons! That your 8" rear axle/wheel will pass you if you don't press the axle bearing retainer on hard enough!
im waiting for VonTinglers response to this thread. He has a compelling story about swinging a broom.
Dont ask me how I know: that plastic boxes originally intended to carry beer in are NOT a good jackstand. :Or how I know that its stupid to pull the dizzy, and use your zippo to light up and see if the gear is in the right position, AFTER you have tried to start it several times..... Its amazing how much fuel it gets down in the oil on a well-used engine.
Don't ask me how I know you can't install an electric fan on the old style radiators with those stupid plastic straps the are suppose to go through the radiator fins. Not once but twice mind you. STUPID !
Don't ask me how I know exactly how long you can drag a gas tank on the highway when it's held in your car only by the rubber fuel lines.
Don't ask me how I know that when bragging about how much you know about cars will subsequently make you put the battery terminals on a new battery backwards, frying the entire loom. Don't ask me, cause I wouldn't know... Biscuit
Don't ask how I know that just because a car is in park doesn't mean it won't roll, especially when you are underneath it removing the driveshaft and as it unhooks, the car rolls backward to the edge of the 4" solid concrete blocks under the wheels because you couldn't find the jackstands. Lowered car, of course... Don't ask how I know that if you set your mind to it, you can really crank on the driveshaft and push on the crossmember with your feet to slowly move the car forward, get the yokes to realign, and bolt the driveshaft back in, go inside and change your shorts.
Don't ask me how I know that 1972 Rancheros equipped with 460's, on car trailers, on level ground are much heavier and faster than they look. And that that the phrases "Maybe it's in Park" and "I think we can stop it if we have to" won't really slow it down as it LEAPS from the back of the trailer. And that the laws of physics apply to carport pipe columns and sheet metal tailgates (no back bumper). But that the Ranchero celebrated its new freedom by jumping for joy was not expected. At least a foot off the ground.
Don't ask me how I know, but a word of advise, after purchasing new vehicle, make sure you check to make sure the lug nuts are properly tightened before making the 20 mile drive to Oskaloosa, Kansas to have said vehicle titled. Farmall
dont ask me how i know but if you have a rotton tree in your yard dont park your car under it.. bad things tend to happen....
SPEEDRACER2002- That sucks, but that picture is amazing... That whole prismic/rainbow thing... It's like you captured the car's spirit going to heaven. [ QUOTE ] Don't ask how I know that just because a car is in park doesn't mean it won't roll, especially when you are underneath it removing the driveshaft and as it unhooks, the car rolls backward to the edge of the 4" solid concrete blocks under the wheels because you couldn't find the jackstands. Lowered car, of course... Don't ask how I know that if you set your mind to it, you can really crank on the driveshaft and push on the crossmember with your feet to slowly move the car forward, get the yokes to realign, and bolt the driveshaft back in, go inside and change your shorts. [/ QUOTE ] Yeah... Don't ask me how I know that the human skull is not a very good wheel chock, and when the T-bar at the bottom of your 3-speed shifter slips out, leaving you stuck in gear, on an incline, you don't want to just crawl under and pop it into neutral... with your head under the rear tire... and have it pin you to the ground as you begin to assume your brains will be pushed from every orifice of your skull, like a Playdoh Fun Factory... BUT... you can roll it off of your head with your foot, and then use your hands to get it off of your other foot, and then hobble after it as it rolls away... Please, don't ask me how I know. JOE
Don't ask me how I know... ...that it's not a good idea to put the front tires of your classic up on ramps, and them proceed to jack the rear of the car up (so that both rear wheels are off the ground rendering the parking brake useless) if your driveway is sloped. Rumor has it the car could roll backwards until you have the presence of mind to lower the jack. It could even smash into another car. It's a good thing the bumper of my '55 is a lot sturdier than the headlight of my wife's Ranger. Don't ask me how I know this, though...
Don't ask me how I know that one hand is not a good thing to hold sheetmetal patch piece that is being wire brushed with the other hand holding a grinder. A grinder will catch the sheetmetal and imbed it into your hand with the speed of light. Eight stitches and a couple weeks of reduced car work could be the result. Don't ask me how I know if you get impatient that an auto trans holds about 2 gallons of oil that can dump out of the tailshaft when removing an engine and trans out of a car.
Don't ask me how I know that when one is working on one's '67 Fairlane GTA in one's steep drive way with said car in "Park" and one removes the master cylinder and bumps said car's transmission linkage out of park, one's said car will commence it's physical application of many laws of natural physics, namely those relating to gravity and motion, and even if one has time to jump into the driver's seat, mashing down on the brake pedal WILL NOT WORK! Refer to earlier statment about removing master cylinder... Oak trees will stop a rolling car, even if the only thing that makes contact is the end of the door. This WILL result in driver's door being about 10" shorter and about 10" wider than before... r
Don't ask me how I know that you shouldn't set the ratchet on top of the battery when you need two hands to get that alternator to line up. And don't lean over the battery knocking the wrench into the terminals creating an arc welder on your chest.
[ QUOTE ] Don't ask me how I know that you shouldn't set the ratchet on top of the battery when you need two hands to get that alternator to line up. And don't lean over the battery knocking the wrench into the terminals creating an arc welder on your chest. [/ QUOTE ] Is that why they call ya Smokin' Joe?
don't ask me how i know to attach kick-down cable BEFORE filling th350 with fluid.....in the dark.....don't ask me how i know not to scratch ones balls after using JASCO.....even after washing hands...ever....ever,ever...ever
RAVEN61 - You wouldn't know anything about bike spokes and feet, would ya? Actually, MAX FOOTLOOSE is the guy I should be asking... JOE
Don't ask me how I know that you can get a brand new style of headache as well as severely hurt feelings by squatting behind a loaded bumper jack just as the cocked handle snaps upward all on it's own and catches you squarely under the jaw. Don't ask me how I know. Don't ask me how I know that assembly lubricant by itself is insufficient to keep your new differential bearings from fully disintegrating when you decide to flat tow your 65 Barracuda home from your shop. Don't ask me how I know.
"RAVEN61 - You wouldn't know anything about bike spokes and feet, would ya? Actually, MAX FOOTLOOSE is the guy I should be asking... " Don't ask me how I know the second AFTER you tell your six-year-old to keep his feet away from the front wheel in a bicycle while riding on the spar in front of the seat while his (not-so-smart) dad is riding on the seat, his foot will get sucked into the moving spokes faster than light near a black hole. Thus requiring a handfull of fellow Hambers to painstakingly cut the spokes away while said six-year-old is crying and telling his daddy that he wishes it were a dream. Now that hurts. Thanks Joe, Scallop53, et al. r
Don't ask me how I know not to do the following: 1- Jump-start a car using cables and wearing rings on 2 or more fingers. (They do look pretty cool all welded together, though) 2- Port cylinder heads with a high-speed grinder and hair past your shoulders. The two will inevitably meet at some point, and it will be neither pretty or fun. 3- Install a starter with one's head directly under the starter in question. Yes- it makes sense to want to be directly under the starter so it can be supported to get the long bolts started, but if the bolts don't start easily (and they so rarely do), the starter may drop directly upon one's skull, causing pain, embarassment, and a bloody mess. Oh- by the way- the starter will still have to be installed after the pain, embarassment, and blood have all subsided slightly. Don't ask me how I know lotsa other stuff too...but these 3 are my faves..so far. Scotch~!
Don't ask me how i know you can instantly turn a 1/2'' wrench into a mini-plasmarc cutter and cut wedding band in half while burning the shit outta your finger simply by grounding said wrench from the positive battery end to the inner fender. I'm glad i am no longer married,that way I'll never make that mistake again !!!
The Jalopy Journal
