Recognize Any Of These Tools?(humor)

Tools And How To Use Them
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
> suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
> hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
> your beer across the room, splattering it against
> that
> freshly painted part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
> them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of
> light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned
> guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
> say,
> "Ouch...."
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
> rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
> the
> Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy
> into
> a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
> course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
> lighting
> various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
> handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
> you
> want the bearing race out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
> British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
> mainly
> for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've
> been
> searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
> automobile
> to the ground after you have installed your new
> brake
> shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering
> an
> automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he
> has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
> sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
> for getting dog**** off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
> harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in
> bolt
> holes you couldn't use anyway.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
> strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined
> screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning
> booth.
> Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source
> of
> vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
> otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
> aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
> bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
> shells might be used during, say, the first few
> hours
> of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
> light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
> of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
> on
> your shirt; but can also be
> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
> screw
> heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
> in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
> transforms it into compressed air that travels by
> hose
> to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips
> rusty
> bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at
> Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
> surrounding
> that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order
> to
> replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
> hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
> locate the most expensive parts not far from the
> object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
> contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
> front
> door; works particularly well on contents such as
> seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
> collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
> plastic parts.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
> across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top
> of
> your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will
> need.
>
> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in
> hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and
> indignities following our every deficiency in
> foresight I think most of us can relate to this!
>
>
>
>

 

HAHA you forgot adjustable wrench which adjusts to perfectly round the heads off any bolt you'll ever see.

 

HAHAHA! Hell I always thought everything was a hammer . . . .unless it's a screwdriver and that's a chisel.

 

"WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
> them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of
> light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned
> guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
> say,
> "Ouch....""

I laugh my ass off every time i read this one!
worst part is it's true!

 

Wow. This is the second time this has been posted, IN THE LAST 24 HOURS. Sorry, but its only funny so many time.

 

You just described the entire contents of my garage except for my 1960 Desoto which is a vehicle that is primarily used for supporting boxes of stuff that got taken off my 1960 Desoto.

 

Yeah, this is Repost number 6 total I think...

 

Well,it's still funny. You guys spend too much time reading every post-who's working on your cars?

 

I thought it was funny.

And I don't see any reason why I would think - Hey, I'm going to just randomly search for any past posts that might incorporate a good tool joke.

Thanks, 5window.

 

Thanks. I hate to be redundant and I didn't see it previously. I just did a search-it took me 5 tries to find it was posted previously-guess it's going around the 'net. Stiil it was funny to me and if I was someone who'd read it already I'd just have moved on. Thanks for the smile and have a good holiday.