An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
Tanks Groucho... I had to chuckle.... here's mine for the day... A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her gl*** eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me! buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the t*******s. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies........." She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."
speaking of only one eye...... a fellow was very self consciouse of the fact he could not afford a nice gl*** eye after his "accident", but, being very skilled at woodworking he makes a good fake eye out of pine block.his friends talk him into going to a dance to meet a nice girl with "Agreat personality"but caution him she is very self consciouse of the size of her ears.As the evening progresses, the other couple move on out to the dance floor and our two self consciouse people are left alone at the dinner table.Finnaly our hero gets the nerve to ask his date to dance with himby saying "you wouldnt want to dance with me would ya?" to whitch she replies "oh would'n' I' ?" To this our man says"then lets dance,ya big eared *****!" if I gotta explain it you still wouldnt understand!r.r.
here's one of my favorites. a fellow had his crotch shot up in wwII. he managed to crawl into a small town where the doctor's sew a baby elephant's trunk onto him. after returning home he meets a nice girl & they quickly fall in love. the 1st time he has dinner over at her parents house the little fella smells something he likes, unzips, & steals the baked potato off the guys plate. amazed, the girls dad says " wow. do that again". the guy says " i can't right now. there's not enough room up my *** for another potato".
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!
These are all pretty good so far. Gotta' bring down the curve a bit: Grandma goes to the Doctor for annual checkup. As he finished up, doctor asks if Grandma has any health concerns or questions. "Why, yes, Doctor," she says, "there is one thing." She continues: "I p*** gas more than I used to, but it is usually silent, and doesn't have much smell, so I haven't worried about it; in fact one slipped out a few minutes ago." The doc says, "I see - take this prescription to the pharmacy and come back in a week." A week later Grandma returns, and is upset. "Doctor!" she yells, "what in tarnation did you prescribe? My farts smell so bad as to peel paint!" The doctor replied:"well Ma'am, your sense of smell has returned, now let's work on your hearing." -bill over and out.
Lawyer Charity The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarr***ed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!" ~ Paul aka "Tha Driver" http://angelonearth.net/jokepon.html
Found on a men's room wall......"Screwing a fat girl is like riding a Moped.......it's a lot of fun until your friends catch you......."
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie . He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog's reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog repies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
Modification of one above. How is *** with a *** like riding a Jap bike?? It feels good 'til someone sees ya' !!!!! Next one: These three vampires walk up to a resturant, but know people will freak if they all go in at once. The first one goes in,sits down, waiter asks"What'll you have??" Vampire says" I vant a gl*** of blood!!" The waiter freaks and says" Get outta' here ya' freak!" So he leaves. The second Vampire goes in, sits down. The waiter looks at him and goes"Not another one!" He askes "Whata ya' have??" "I vant a gl*** of blood!" says the Vampire. "Get the hell outta' here!" says the waiter, so the Vampire leaves. The third Vampire walks in, sits down. The waiter is totally tweaked by now."Whata' ya' have???" to which the Vampire says"I vant a gl*** of boiling water!" "Well thats not so bad ."thinks the waiter and brings it to him. "What you gonna do with that?" he asks the Vampire. To which the Vampire whips out a used Tampon and says"Tea Time!!"
alright, I guy picks up a ****** for $10s after he drops her off he notices that she gave him crabs. being extremly angry he goes and finds her. he tells her that she gave him crabs she responds, "for $10s what did you expect? lobster?"
An old guy goes to the doctor, tells him he's constepated. The doc gives him a couple of "suppositories" and says, come back in a couple days, and we'll see how your doin. A couple days later, the old guy is back and the doc says well, how ya doin ? The old guy says, you fukkin quack, i ate both those suppositories, and they didn't do nothin !!!!! I COULD'A JUST AS WELL STUCK EM UP MY ***.
here's mine: man is sick, decides to go to the doctor. the doctor gives him a checkup and finally says, "well shoot. the only medicine i can prescribe for you is a suppository. i'll help you with the first one and later on when you need to take it again, have your wife help you." man goes home, and takes a nap. later in the day, he's gotta take his medicine, so he calls his wife over to ***ist him. she puts one arm on his shoulder to brace him and with this other hand has the suppository ready to put it in, the man exclaims, "WAIT!" his wife says, "WHAT, AM I HURTING YOU??" man says, "oh no, when the doctor did it he had two hands on my shoulders."
thanks that made me laugh at 4 in the morning with every kid and grandkid in the house with the flu, my 6 year old grand baby just threw up in my bed, and i just had another grand baby born yesterday comming to live with me sat! Thanks i needed the laughs!
How many hot rodders does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb, and three to talk about how good the old bulb used to be.
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes - mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the Ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most m***ive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to ***tsburgh'. so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-***ed, *****.'"
So this termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender"...................................................................Sorry
couple of fish swimming in the lake one day, minding their own damn businnes when theY swim right into a big concrete wall, first fish sayz to the other..................................DAMN!
A blind guy mistakenly walks into a lesbian bar, makes his way to the bar and sits down. The bartender leans forward and, in a pretty deep voice, says "Waddya have?" He orders a beer, and then to make conversation says "Hey, I've got a pretty good blonde joke; you wanna hear it?" The bartender looks at him and says "Mister, before you tell that blonde joke, you need to know a few things: 1) I'm blonde. 2) The other bartender here is 5'10", can bench 220 and is blonde. 3) The person sitting on the stool next to you on the right is blonde. 4) The woman sitting on the other side of you is 6'1", blonde, and rides a Harley. 5) The ****tail waitress, who is now standing behind you, is 225 pounds, can pick up a full beer keg as easy as you please, and is also blonde. "Well ****," the blind guy says, "If I'm going to have to explain the punch line five times, never mind."
An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel and column sticking out of his pants. The bartender says: "HOLY **** MCBRIDE, ya got a ****ing steering wheel stickin' out yer pants!" The Irishman says: "Aye, IT"S DRIVIN' ME NUTS Then a Glaswegian walks in and says "AH, FER ****S SAKE! Then the Irishman says "I KNOW! IT'S DRIVIN ME NUTS!
An engineer was walking in the woods when a frog spoke to him. "Sir, I'm a beautiful woman that has been turned into a frog. Kiss me and I'll turn back." The engineer picked up the frog, smiled at it and put it into his pocket. Later, he took it out and the frog said, "Sir, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful woman, I'll spend an hour with you doing anything you want." The engineer smiled and put the frog back in his pocket. Later yet, he took the frog out of his pocket and it said, " If you turn me back, I'll spend the night with you doing anything you want." Again the smile before returning the frog to his pocket. The next day at work, he took the frog out of his pocket. It said, "Sir, I'm a beautiful woman that has been turned into a frog. Kiss me to release me from the spell and I'll spend a week with you as your *** slave." The engineer smiled and put the frog back in his pocket. His cube-mate who had witnessed this encounter asked him why he didn't kiss the frog and turn it back into a beautiful woman? "There's lots of beautiful women out there, but how many people have a talking frog?"
Alright...I got a bunch but I'm in work so I'll spare you.... Anyhow, a 22 year old kid is in the doctor's office looking for a ****** perscription. The doctor says "What? ******? Your a young healthy guy. WHAT do you need that for?" The kid says, "Well, its like this doc. I got these 2 hot girls coming over tonight for alittle fun and I have to make sure I can keep up. Ya know?" The doctor says, "Oh, ok...I see. Here, take these 2 samples. That should be plenty. Now go enjoy your night." Next day the doctor comes in to his office & the kid is sitting in the waiting room with his arm in a sling. The doctor sees him and says, "What the hell happened to you?" The kid's all depressed as he says, "No one showed up."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected: -1/2 gallon of 2% milk -1 carton of eggs (large) -1 quart orange juice (no pulp) -1 head Romaine lettuce -1 2lb can Columbian coffee -1 1lb package of bacon As she was unloading her cart at the express checkout line, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the clerk was scanning her purchases, the drunk camly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was, indeed, single. She looked at the six items on the conveyor belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what...you're absolutely correct. I am single. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."
The Jalopy Journal
