Thought ya'll might like this. Spiders!! A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. " What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. "The little girl thought for a moment, then took Her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be OK in California or New York, BUT we're not having any of that crap in Oklahoma !!
Har Har Har Can I add to the bad joke list? Q-What is the bad thing about eating vegetables?? A-Putting them back in the wheel chair... Thank you ladies and gentlemen, Goodnight..
<font color="green"> Oh shit boy. You just fired up the Cali VS Rest of the States, war. Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. </font>
I was advised by my signifigant other not to post my favorite jokes here.... I guess that she is right as I am one sick fuck.... Sorry. If you ever run into me at a show or event, I would be glad to run thru my jokes with you on a personal level....but I think that some who don't really know me would never speak with me if I posted a few of my favorites here.... HC
<font color="green"> You know RYAN hates these don't you? Well, ROOT started it RYAN!!! Prepare yourselves folks and please allow me to apologize in advance.... A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men. They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" "Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male." </font>
OK you've got me started: This teacher was trying to teach her students math and the problem she posed was,"If you have three birds sitting on a wire and a hunter shoots one of them how many are left?" One little boy(Johnny of course)says,"None,because the shot would have scared the other two away". The teacher says that although that is not technically correct(the answer she was looking for was 2)she says to Johnny,"I like the way you think". Johnny then says to the teacher,"OK I have a question for you Mrs.jones;there are three women sitting in the park eating ice cream cones.One is licking the cone;another is taking bites out of it,and the third is sucking on it.Which one is married?" The teacher gets all flushed and embarassed but finally manages to answer hesitantly,"The one who is licking the cone?" Little Johnny replies,"No it's the one with the wedding ring.........but I like the way you think!" Goodnight
<font color="green">What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer. </font>
Well, heres another lesbain one, its pretty raunchy: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? see ya next month!!!
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three, one to screw it in and two to write a folk song about it.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doors frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says " I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called, You left your wheelchair at the pub."
A man with a giant orange for half of his head walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Hey! What the hell happened to you buddy?" The man says "well, I was rumaging through some old stuff when I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and *poof*! Out pops a genie and he grants me three wishes!" "and what did you wish for?" the bartender asks. "With my first wish," the guy says, "I asked for every woman I ever met to be madly in love with me and want me. All of a sudden I was surrounded by all of these women! "With my second wish I asked for a million dollars that I could never lose and could never be stolen. BAM! I was rich. "And for my third wish, I wished that half of my head was a giant orange."
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
So a girl comes home to her boyfriend at the end of the day and says, "I'm leaving you..!! I just found out you're a pedophile..!!!" the boyfriend looks at her and says, "That's a pretty big word for a twelve-year-old..." Thank you...thank you very much... Tip jar is on the piano...
Origin of the Nazi salute... One day little Hitler was being the ass that he was and was picking on a Jewish girl in class...he kept saying naughty things to her and then he smacked her in the face. The little girl started crying and the teacher asked her what was wrong the the little girl said someone smacked her but she was so scared of little Hitler that she would not tell on him. The teacher tells the class they will not be able to go outside and play again until somebody fessed up... Little Hitler then stood up, raised his hand in the air like the Nazi's would someday and yelled "I Hit Her!"
Why shouldn't women drive? ...because there isn't a road between the kitchen and the bedroom. Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? ...because she was a woman. Hahaha! No offence meant, seriously. Anybody up for some dead baby jokes?
What are looking for, something like how many dead babies does it take to pave a drag strip or something?
[ QUOTE ] Anybody up for some dead baby jokes? [/ QUOTE ] I got one; don't wanna piss anyone off though.
I appologize in advance for this one, but you axed for it.... Why do they boil water when a baby is born? In case it's dead...then they can make soup.
The Jalopy Journal
