LMFAO!! THe one about the skeletons fucking, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Still lasughing! Great posts Mike
slower than molasses in winter (anything slow) sharper than a pound of wet liver (anyone slow) smokes like a freight train (car or person) wanna fight? stick your head up your ass and fight for air. wanna get laid? crawl up a chicken's ass and wait. she could fuck the balls off a brass monkey. and overheard at a "Street Rod" show: Fat Guy to inquisitive son who wanted info on a flathead powered roadster: "See them valve covers? That there's a HEMI." now, make like a goat turd, and hit the trail.
Me: Holding the steering wheel for a friend while he lit his joint. Cop: Who saw us doing this as we drove past him & pulls us over. My Friend to the cop: "Don't look at me, he was driving" Another friend as we walk into a convenience store with a sign on the front that advertises BAIT / TAILOR: "can I get an inch taken off my worm?" Probably an old one, but a classic by my dad as he watched a woman with a big ass as she walked away: "Looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack" Yet another: "Hungry enough to eat the asshole out of a dead cat"
"Damn! There goes an Edsel full of uglies" "ride's like a stagecoach on the pondarosa" "i'm so hungry my stomach's gnawing on my spine" " got a shit on deck that could choke a donkey" "hung like a stud'd field mouse" "beauty is in the eye of the beerholder" "beer, helping ugly people has sex since 1869" another skeleton line.... "sounds like 2 skeletons fucking on a tin roof" i know there's more.If i wasn't tying to think if them, the'd be flowing out like bs from a politician. Rat..
You drive like old people fuck! Your all over the road like horse shit after a parade! I scared that boy so bad you couldnt drive a needle in his ass with a sledge hammer! I`m so poor, I gotta jack off the dog to feed the cat! I got a bunch more but I`ve wasted enough bandwidth!
Tried posting this before but it got lost in the electronic wilderness I guess: Blonde walks into an auto parts store and asks the counterman for,"a 710 cover".Guy is mystified;has no idea what she's talking about.Asks her where it goes on the car.She says on the engine.He talks with a couple other guys in the shop and they can't figure it out either.Asks her to show him the location.Goes out and opens the hood and points it out.Tries deperately to keep from laughing and walks back in and gets her an,"OIL" cap!
Someone told me once that MOPAR stood for "Move Over...People Are Racing"... Inspirational phrases: "Once begun, you're half done!" "Nothin' to it but ta DO it!" "When all is said and done, more will get said than done!" "He who has a thing to sell, and goes and whispers in a well... is not so apt to get the dollars, as he who climbs a tree and hollars!" After blowing up a motor... "Yeah, we let the smoke out of it!" Gallagher, holding up a picture of the Space Shuttle halfway up the launch pad with all the fire and smoke billowing... "Only in America do we think it's okay to use THAT much fuel to only go THAT far!... ...Hell, this is a Chrysler backing into a parking space here!" Other faves... "Got eight cylinders and uses 'em all Got overdrive fourth and just won't stall!" "We got four on the floor and four in the air on that one!" "I got racing stripes and dual pipes, And Smokey's got a Ford... Got a mill with a four pot carb, ya know, But Smokey's stroked and bored..." "You can shut the gate on this one, Maxie...it's the Dog's Guts!"
My mother blew a stopsign once when I was riding with her. Guy has to slam on the brakes to keep from centerpunching my passenger side door. I just about shit my pants. She looks over at me trying to not have a heart attack and says: "Well, I got my half across, how'd you do!" While trying to teach a girlfriend how to drive a clutch, she was concentrating on the clutch so much she didn't check for traffic at an intersection. I said: "Wait, there's a car comming!" Head snapped back, tires went up in smoke, and next thing I knew we were in the borrow pit on the other side of the road. No idea how the guy missed us. She looks at me before I can say anything and says: "Don't call me stupid. You gave me the keys!"
My ex-wife drives truck. She was driving a new Peterbuilt and was fueling up when a Joe Cowboy trucker asked her how she liked her Peterbuilt. She Replied "'bout as big and round as a beer can and twice as long!" Slicker than snot on a linoleum floor. That's lower than whale shit. Ain't exactly the brightest lightbulb now is he? Sharper than a bowling ball and as bout as bright as one too. Oooh! That's gonna leave a mark! I'm so hungry I could eat the ass out of a menstratin' skunk.
Well, it's a kind of local refference from maybe 15 years ago, but the case got national attention... ...a cop pulled me over for pulling a smokey one around a corner, and his opening line was "So...did ya have a foot cramp, Mr Delisle?" I said "I was just test driving the new carb, Sir..." He smiled back and said "Ya better back it off a notch...so's the tires don't melt!" No ticket...cool cop!
a buddy always quotes these two"Hell-you aint gonna tell her that baby's ugly!"......and another"How do you explain BAD TASTE to someone who has it"?.........[about a sick car]"That car wont pull a greasy string out of a cats ass!".........."Bumpin'-Uglies"[a reference to an intimate act] ........"constipated-cant pass a thing"[this was on an ol race car].......my favorite[quote from a Hells Angels-MC member]...."Hell-I'd swim under water and Fuck fish for that kinda money!"
[ QUOTE ] son - you can't polish a turd [/ QUOTE ] a friend of mine from high school that was really into early 70s Cutlass' (with the factory gold color engines) used to say that every time i'd get a new project, till i finaly said "NO, but you can paint it GOLD!!". never heard that line outa him again.
A long time ago I heard Road Apples Dad complaining about a hangover saying "I feel like a runner up in a rake fight".
Jimmy was drivin his old leyland semi up a very steep hill with a mile of trafic behind him now the old girl was flatout doin 15mph up this hill anyway over the cb radio we here this bloke say"i hope this leyand gets up this hill before it runs outa rego" those of you who have seen the old girl at speed will know!!!
LMAO to this one the other day while watching the tube, Scene went something like this... A family is on a long drive, The 10 year old girl in the back "Daaad I have to go to the bathroom" I can't stop now! Daaad I have to go!!! Well your going to have to hold it! Daaad I have to poop...bad! Can't you hold it for a little longer? Daaad I'm prarie dogging now!!!!!.... You have to picture it.
[ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] son - you can't polish a turd [/ QUOTE ] a friend of mine from high school that was really into early 70s Cutlass' (with the factory gold color engines) used to say that every time i'd get a new project, till i finaly said "NO, but you can paint it GOLD!!". never heard that line outa him again. [/ QUOTE ]That is too fucking funny Mike. If I want any shit out of you I'll squeeze your fucking head
i noticed how this thread sorta got off the car topic, so here goes: business is good and i said "i'm busier than a one armed paper hanger" or "i'm busier than a one legged man at an ass kickin' contest" i'm partial to the lines that bring in the ladies, so if anyone wants to hear some, i've got a shitload, just lemme know... they're funny... later skaters. tred.
Buddy and me on a road trip down the coast stopped at an old bar in Cambria for a cool. Since it was the middle of the day there was no one there but us and the bartender -- till this wacked-out gal walks in. She yells down to the bartender that she wants a creme de menthe with a beer back-up. He look at us, shakes his head, and just says "no brains, so no hangover"
Here's one from one of my favorites from The Friday Nite Read stories: Hmmmm, Becky wasnt too bad. Hi, she said, smiled and jiggled. Sure was cuter than the two girls Tiny and his other pal had taken out last weekend: the Lee sisters; Home-lee and Ug-lee. R-
2 years ago I blew up the 350 in my 1990 chevy pu. I got a reman engine from checkers, and 561 miles later that one blew up. I was pretty pissed about it, and I called my girlfriend to tell her the news about my second engine blowing up. She said, "Didnt you just put an engine in it, or was that a motor?"
The scene... A few years ago at the Calgary World of Wheels. Group of really old restorer types bitching about a nice '32 5-window rod that was on display. One of the local rodders comes up, listens to them for a minute or two, then leans into the groups and says... "Just think...you guys are all old, and will die soon. Then WE'LL get your cars." Old fuckers damn near had strokes!
"The light aint gonna get no greener" "You do crop dustin' on the side?" (smoking car) "Grind me a pound" (gear grinding) O/T "You serve fries with that shake?" " I'd eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from"
The Jalopy Journal
