Heard at a British car show...... You know why we British drink warm beer? Because our refrigerators are made by Lucas too.
I have to say the funniest line a butch of girls said to a friend of mine was.. " I love your car but i dont like you" we were 17 at a stop light sitting in a 928 porsche..i almost fell out dying laughing needless to say he was pretty pissed...( I thought it was funny anyway) Also another saying around here...You car handles like a baby carraige...or like a wet mop...
My Dad would always say to my brother or I when we "occassionally" went a bit faster than we should have that we were "a regular ol Barney Oldfield"...
my dad always said "they'll make em outta rubber for ya next year" whenever somebody fucks up a shift and grinds em real bad. then there's "slower than smoke (steam) off of cold (actually fresh on a cold day) shit." that's kind of reserved for use by dairy farmers, which would explain it. got a few more, but i also have CRS so i can't recall... as fara s barney oldfield goes, i heard that long after he retired, he got pulled over and the cop said "who the hell do you think you are, barney oldfield???" to which he replied "well, yeah." oh, man, people around SE ohio have heard of this guy, T, and at least one HAMBer from the UK stopped at his place once a few years back. anyway, after geting back from being a door gunner out of a huey in nam, he became an on-call pilot for US air, and had to dive from zanesville to columbus or pittsburgh alot. he was flat out flyin in a new corvette when a cop pulls him over and smart-assed asks "where's your pilot's license, buddy?" T produced said license, and the cop was not impressed
American beer is like screwing in a canoe,its fucking near water. We were racing our stockcar a few years ago at an invitational race outa town.Our car was kickin ass in the heats and the local hot shot crashes our car on purpose.I'm fuckin pissed,so me and one of my crew members goes over to their pit to ask em whats up.The drivers wife is there and she starts giving us total attitude.Now i'm really pissed.I look at her from about two inches from her nose and I sniff twice really loud.She looks at me as if to say whats up.I say to her as I look down at her crotch,"fuck,you smell like an anchovie farm" Before I can see her reaction I hear this noise.I look beside me and my crew member is on his knees holding his stomach.I think that one of their guys has hit him.But it turns out he was laughing his ass off so hard his guts were hurting at what I said to the bitch!Turns out later on in the main event that we kicked there ass and won the big race.......Shiny
Old lady coming out the corner store, me and a few friends checking out a friends' mid 80's GMC Short Step 4x4 on 44's, she said..."Is that one of them monster trucks?". Hanging around the garage, just finished install of fresh "hot rod" motor in friend's '78 Camaro, he goes..."if this thing starts I'll be happier than a puppy with two peeters". "Turd-floater" - Heavy rain "Handles like it's on rails" - Tight Suspension "Fucked up like a football bat"
My favorite.. not car related but to the point..." I could have been your father, but the dog beat me over the fence"
<font color="red"> Well this has been appropriate for me at work lately......"Busier then a one legged man at an ass-kicking contest"........ or "that is gayer then Tinky-Winky fisting Micheal Jackson! R E D M E A T </font>
"she looks like 40 miles of bad road" and I also love the proverbial "looks like a monkey fucking a football"
Busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs. It's all pink on the INSIDE. Ain't but two kinds of women.... Good old big ones and Big old good ones. about tall women... Nose to nose and your toes are in it, Toe to toe and your nose is in it. Them pants are so tight,if she farts,she'll blow her boots off! She can suck a golf ball thru a garden hose. She was so ugly,her momma had to tie a pork-chop bone around her neck to get the dog to play with her..... Beauty may be only skin deep,but UGLY goes to the BONE.
"It's raining harder than a two cunted cow pissin on a flat rock" I heard that while stationed in Alabama in 1964. It still makes me laugh out loud when I think of it.
For those with a generous posterior: "She's got a butt about two axe handles wide" My Dad used to say about something that was junk: "Not worth a pinch of coon-stuff" or his other favorite: "Holy Teapots" ( I never knew what that meant!)
Alleged incident in the late 80s, Nigel Mansell is a household name in the UK as our homegrown F1 star, although Senna is acknowledged as the best driver "ever". Ayrton Senna is making good speed in a porsche 911 on the M25 ( freeway that circles London ). Cop pulls him over and says "Who do you think you are ? Nigel Mansell ?" Ayrton was not impressed.
Friend of mine was telling someone how fast his 307 two barrel was and this guys repies, "It would'nt go that fast if you dropped it from an airplane." Also like "crazy as a shithouse rat". and "stupider than hammered shit."
one used by my brother when referring to some unsightly strippers breasts. "DAMN, her tits kinda look like a hockey puck in a tube sock" it was true!!! then there's his ultimate pickup line..."hey baby, so what's up on fuc*in' ??" i'll be damned if it doesn't work too!!! at one of the local cruised this past fall, jdubbya, his dad, me and a few other people were standing around complaining oabout how it was getting cold..joe's dad mentioned having to roll up the window for the drive home... i say.."shit, if i roll up the window, my damn turn signals don't work" (my ford has no turn signals, so it's hand signals for me...) it took everyone a second to get the joke..me included sorry, i swear like a teamster.
I was at Frog Follies walking around with my Dad one year when he see`s a girl with alot of cellulite(sp) on her legs. Pops turns around, looks at me and say`s.(damn, that ol gal has some serious hail damage!) I had to stop and blow the pepsi out of my nose!! Then you have: That girl is so fine, I`d drag my balls over a mile of busted beer bottles just to smell the tire tracks of the laundry truck that hauled her dirty pantys away!
Back in the day we thought it was hilarious to walk up to a girl in a club and say "you want to dance?" and if she turned you down, you could always say "you misunderstood", I said "you look fat in those pants", if she said yes... only my dancing was funny.
[ QUOTE ] The scene... A few years ago at the Calgary World of Wheels. Group of really old restorer types bitching about a nice '32 5-window rod that was on display. One of the local rodders comes up, listens to them for a minute or two, then leans into the groups and says... "Just think...you guys are all old, and will die soon. Then WE'LL get your cars." Old fuckers damn near had strokes! [/ QUOTE ] thats fucking hilarious. i wish i coulda seen the looks on their faces!!!
Anonymous drunk punk ass to good friend Kevin Lee (Grimlok): "Hey man, you don't skate the same line you used too..."
to describe something out-of-control, I've always enjoyed the line, "like a bag of cats going down to the river."
Here is my best: MUSTANG-messed up shit that aint no good, PORSCHE-proves only rich snobs can have everything. "She is dumber than a bag of hammers" And here are the best pick up lines I have heard: howz about me and you go halves on a bastard, and-how about going back to my place for a pizza and a fuck?...what..ya don't like pizza?
The Jalopy Journal
