You ****ers...it's all YOUR fault!!! But...I liken it to flying...kinda...in a Ralph Hinkley sort of way... "I navigate like I was hit with a can of Raid!" Like Ralph, I lost my 'instruction' manual long ago and had to just 'wing it'...so I figured tonight was as good a night as any to start... I rumbled through the dark and scarcely occupied streets in the old rusty 49...tripping car alarms and enjoying the warm, humid night air as I eased the old Chevy towards my own personal Kitty Hawk. A deserted church parking lot a few miles from home sat waiting in the hazey glow from the nearby streetlamps. I eased the old car up alongside the church and shut her down. I had arrived...it was now "go" time! You see, I've stockpiled a few regrets in my time, and lately I've kinda been on a private mission to redeem myself from a few of them anyway. This is going to sound utterly gay, I know...but I never did learn to skateboard when I was a kid. Never could stay on the board in a standing position, so I allowed myself to delve into bicycles, comic books, TV and other childhood p***ions while putting many years between then and now. Reading all of your stories about how much fun it was to skate back then kind of got me feeling that old regret anew. I'd allowed time and other distractions to rob me from the same pursuit of p***ion as so many of you had enjoyed. Is it too late for this old dog to learn a new trick? That's what I was here to discover! In hindsight, it really was a bad idea all around. These days, I hurt so much just walking across a room or going up a flight of stairs, that it'd be insanely stupid to do something like putting my battered body on a wheeled vehicle of Doom in a rough old parking lot. I hide my pains pretty well, though...so I come off as normal for a 37 year old of my size, I suppose. There just MIGHT be a chance. Fifteen minutes of hopping along side the board on one foot, then eventually stumbling and shooting it across the parking lot ensued. It was pointless...my legs were on fire and my back screamed out in agony..."What the **** do you think you're DOING?!" my old bones protested. I couldn't give up...all I thought I needed was to be able to stay on for one or two feet...we'd worry about kicking later...and that whole steering thing. For tonight, all I wanted was to be able to make it go and stay on for a few feet. That first time...the very first time you hop on and stick it is the coolest moment in time! It was maybe only a foot, but I kicked off and got on for that far! Next time, it was two feet...then I found that kicking and maintaining my foothold wasn't impossible anymore! I could do this, it may just work! I'm sure it looked real cute at first , too...I'd start from the same point in the lot right by the church and ride to the driveway. Then, I'd carry the board back and do it again. And again. Eventually, I would RIDE back to the corner, then ride back to the driveway. Oh, not very well, but I could DO it! Something I'd never been able to do before in my LIFE, I was now doing...poorly, yes...but doing it! Then, I'd focus on my car, and ride to it. Learning to shift my left foot or lean to at least SUGGEST direction...there, not so hard! The car was waiting patiently as I rode up, leaned forward and gently stopped myself by placing both hands on the rear fender. Before long (or AFTER long for all I know...time is funny at moments such as this!) I would ride across the whole lot, then back...kick, kick glide. Kick, kick...glide... Hours p***ed, and I saw other people...a hot chick ran by twice with someone in a chase car following alongside...and a few cars rolled through the somewhat remote section of the neighborhood I had chosen to learn in. Then, along comes a slow moving car with a light bar on the roof, and he turns into the lot to see what's up. He quickly got the rundown, and in my excitement, I even SHOWED him what I'd just learned! He grinned a huge smile and opened his door. "It's really easy once you develop your feel for it", he said. "But once you get it, you won't forget." I watched, half shocked, and half amused as he took a short ride on my board and demonstrated that it really IS a simple thing! Then, he looked over the old Chevy, nodded as he strolled back to his car and said "You're living The Life, Man! Be carefull and don't break anything that won't heal quickly!". With that, he drove off and I resumed my awkward, yet increasingly comfortable rides back and forth across the rough and unswept lot. I caught myself every time a rock or nail (in one case) would stop a wheel and I'd keep going. Finally, covered with sweat and just exhausted on my wobbling feet, I slumped into the car and fired it up. Swinging it around and rolling out onto the secondary roads to move some air through the interior I steered towards home. Dead tired and probably soon to pay for it in the morning, but more than stoked! I've got MILES to go, but nothing but time! I won't be sneaking into your yard to skate your empty pool anytime in the next decade, but I will be spending as much time as possible riding parking lots and getting a little more stable in flight. I just can't believe it took so long to get Here...wish I woulda learned thirty years ago...but I vow to make up for lost time! Damn, this old dog CAN still learn new tricks! (okay, okay...so maybe this is the gayest thing that's ever been posted here, but dammit, I'm just ALIVE with the thrill of accomplishment and wanted to share it with those that inspired me to give this thing a whirl!) Now...before I p*** out and crash to the floor...off to bed!
You are nuts , but in a good way. You need to write some of these short stories and send them off to different magazines .
Congratulations, I haven't been on a board in about a year, I could never heel or kickflip, just couldn't do it, even still I get anxious when I am about to go down a hill. Again Congrats.
Thats freakin awesome Greg. That cop is right. You are living the life. Its so cool that you are learning. What kind of board do you have? Whenever you come down here to tune my car we can go skate. Nick
that great ,man......you know i'd soo buy this all as a book... i remeber those moments,trust me in ten years,you'll wonder how you ever couldn't just jump on and do a kickflip,with your eye's closed...... in about 8 years i went from a little kid in your position,to semi-pro,traveling the whole east coast doing demos and ocasional contest....... some of the best years of my life,being a dirty ,masonite covered skater........ now my back makes me want to cry with in ten min.s...... GoodLuck man,i want to see ya doin' some stair's in a week,haha Prime...... ohh,and expect that to be one of the few time a cop will be nice to you on a board.......
Ahhhh........discovery to the true menaing of life. Living real and really living. I envy you those moments! Screw the pain. It's just a demon trying to tell you to stay on the couch. Believe me, I know.
Gliding and turning.. heh.. Watch out for Mr. Wilson.. Going down steep hills at a high rate of speed is the ****!
FatHack You have an amazing way with words. I felt like I was with you in that church lot. Thanks for the visions of your feat!
I got my first and last board when I was in junior high and I never got the hang of it. I decided to stick with my bmx but always regreted not trying again to ride a skate board. My son wants a board but my wife says no. I think you have just inspired me to get into trouble. His birthday is coming up and I think I will get him his first board. You really need to write a book of all your adventures big and small.
Ha Ha Greg... you RULE! I just busted my skateboard out after about a 13-14 year retirement! I can still go and turn surprisingly well, but I'm not about to try any tricks until I get my "Skate legs" back! There's a pretty awesome skate park less than a mile from my house... .when you wanna go?
Hack let me get this straight, you got your ****** fixed, and are driving again already? Get good on the board, and keep it in the trunk as "backup" for the next breakdown. Damn brave of you to try something fool-hearty like that at your advanced age - I never could stay on one when I was a kid, myself. Nearly 30 years ago, I went to college with a dare-devil who got a 6' or 7' water ski, and put the widest trucks you could buy on it. The campus was very hilly, and this guy would out-cl*** all the other 'boarders by riding this thing on his hands. His theory was that if anything happened while he was moving, his feet would be the first thing to hit the ground. You could always tell when he was riding in traffic in the middle of the day; two feet sticking up above the cars on the main drag. Crazy SOB.
congrets dude I still get out on my board a couple times a week & 32 here the 80s were all skating PunkRock & muscle cars for me theres a nice skate park bout 7 blocks from my house but i am scared of it as if i fall i know its going to hurt & poss break things but all this talking of skate stuff is going to get my *** there soon .......
Fat, that was killer! I still skate a bit, but after a long hiatis, I bought a long board off ebay. See if the shop has a real long board they'll let you try out. Mines almost 4' long, and very flexible. You carve more like surfing or snowboarding, and you can roll over almost anything, a lot more forgiving for us old farts.
I SWEAR by all that is holy & un holy for that matter that you NEED to write a book, column, etc...something. I never got the hang of skating, I mean real skating, I had clay wheel boards as a kid and we stole my buddys sisters roller skate wheels and put them on our boards to make em' perform better but we still ****ed. Hell I was even buddies with a couple of the real Z-boys ( in the LA music scene ) and I did not even know they were skaters until one night they took some kids boards out side a club and proceeded to SHRED, jesus it was amazing! I am always tempted to buy a long board and try it but will admit I am a *********** 40 yearold with bad knees and a ****ed up back but I may need to go give it a try again now
i havent skated in about 10 years...last year i picked up a brandy new board and headed out.... i considered myself pretty good when I stopped....had just gotten down 360 kickflips, could handle 5 stairs,...some vert. man i got on and thought i was going to rule thw orld last year....RIGHT. haha. it comes back pretty quick...but man what a challange. needless to say im an EARLY bird for the local skatepark (an old tennis court converted into a skatepark) ....amazingly noone skates there anyways but man I wish we had these parks local when i skated. try telling your boss that you cant go into work because you hurt yourself skateboarding!! that one goes over well for me.
I may just have to take your advice and get two boards. But firtst I have to finish his bmx. You would'nt know who makes an axle for the front rim I got from you last year? I messed it up trying to get it up into the forks. I need a flat sided 14mm to fit a Salt hub.
Well ill be damned. Looks like ill have to get another board. i was pissed i never learend to olie. I thought you could skate? Kick *** man for getting out there and doing it... Next time we go to romeo there is a little skate park at the highschool and you can fool on around on that. Ill stick to my bike They can drive over pepples And yea whens the book comming out?
damn, and i was sure it woulda had to have been a 25 year old board about 5" wide! you rule man. i jumped on a board last summer once, not a skateboard per se, it was an old riviera waterski with some 70's skate trucks bolted on for a primitave longboard, i bought it just cause it was dirt cheap, and said Riviera on the deck, gave it a try for ****s and grins, but the bushings in the trucks were shot so a flat surface felt like riding a rail.
WOW!!! The cop said it all, "You're livin the life man." Keep grabbin the gusto, but do be careful. I agree with the folks that think you should write a book. Your posts are way better than most books or articles that I've read. Keep it up! (the skateboarding)
I tried to ride my neighbor's pool the other day. ...My board ripped the lining. ...all the water washed away his Wal Mart swing set and his kid's trampolene.
Greg, I have the ***le for your new book, "Fat Hack's Latest Adventures" You probably get extra for doing the cartoon illistrations. In the chapter "Fat Hack's First Skateboard Ride", the illistration of the one with the cop in uniform showing skateboard tricks would have been a great addition to the story above. I won't charge you for the ***le, just be sure you spell my name right when you do the chapter on "the Hot Rod Olds". When is the book coming out? Gene
The Jalopy Journal
