funny things to say, words you use

"That's (or he, or she's) uglier than death eatin' a sandwich"

 

For things (or acts) that lack common sense I call it "an excersize in ignorance"...

 

"Just remember no matter where you go.........there you are"

"when the sun goes down.........its dark."

What do you mix with powdered water ?

When someones streching the truth I'll say "don't be tounge jackin
My shithole" or "Hes just tounge jackin yer shithole".

 

Farting, " hey there's an asshole talking shit behind your back"

When receiving a list of tasks to do, "You want me to stick a broom in my ass so I can sweep the floor while I'm at it"

"Quieter than a mouse pissn on cotton"

southern engineering

Coonatize

"I did'nt studder did I."

"WHAT PART OF NO DID YOU NOT GET."

"Get back to me later, I might give shit then."

"What did you have for breakfast? A big bowl of stupid."

 

To somebody with very thick glasses "I'll betccha when you look at a map you can see people waving at ya"

 

when something doesnt go right. "wouldn't that frost your balls"

 

that beat the HELL out of the devil //////////////// do something even if its wrong

 

I'm glad this thread came back up ..
good stuff

 

One my dad left with me is "That's bees Knees!"
and one from a guy I worked with in the Diesel shop:
" Do you smell what I'm steppin in? It stinks huh?! That's because I'm the Shit!"

There are some good ones here!

 

"Be cool on your stool and don't play with yer tool"

"That dog'll hunt"

"Jam up and jelly tight"

 

It's simply mind over matter....I don't mind, and you don't matter.

 

I agreed with a guy at work with some trucker jargon "10 - 4"
his reply was "5 5 - 2 2 " (five five - two two)
it took me a minute but it is kind of funny

 

I've seen a couple of these on here already, so please excuse them.

Stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry.

Some asks "How you doing?" I respond "Surviving."

At the convenience/grocery/any other store "You need a bag for that?" I'll respond "No thanks, I've got one at home."

Be on you like white on rice on a paper plate in a snowstorm.

Colder'n a witches tit in a brass bra doin pushups in the snow!

Dumber'n a sledload of shit goin downhill in a rainstorm.

Dumber'n a box of rocks.

She so ugly it looks like somebody set her face on fire and beat it out with a wet chain.

She's got summer teeth. Sum'er there, some aren't.

She's got a butterface. She looks pretty good from here butterface is pretty rough up close.

I hate to be the one to piss in yer Post Toasties, but I'll damned sure be the first one to do it!

Scared'em so bad all you could see was assholes and elbows.

He's happier than a faggot in a barrel of dicks!

Scared me so bad I was shitting pink twinkies!

Went out on Saturday night sowin my wild oats and went to church on Sunday to pray for crop failure!

To a fairly decent looking girl in a bar: "Want to dance?", She says "No thank you." I respond: NO thank god someone asked your ugly ass to dance! (NOTE: always best to duck IMMEDIATELY to avoid being hit with a beer bottle)

Hey Darlin, wanna fool around? No? How about holdin still while I fool around?

No matter how much you polish a turd, you've still got a piece of shit!

Told to a stripper who was begging for a tip: "Never pet a burning dog" (NOTE: got me tossed out of the place. Told the bouncer I've been thrown out of better places than this!)

Don't call me a bastard! I know who my daddy is!

Can't rape the willing.

Well fuck me running sideways!

Well fuck me running! Take off!

That ass looks like two little bears fighting under a blanket.

Like a one way, dead end street

Someone told me you like shit sandwiches, but I stood up for you. I told'em you didn't like bread!

You're an asshole. Thank you, but I've been called worse by better!

Ass is so big you could set a table for 4 on it!

Someone tells me "Fuck you" I'll tell'em "You're not man enough to hold me and do it all at the same time."

Hear someone fart, say "What'd that asshole say?"

 

OK, this one is in the worst taste. One of the guys I worked with in the Army came out with it one day when he saw a rather attractive woman.........................

'I'd swim through a mile of shit with my mouth open just to suck the dick of the last guy that fucked her'

 

Shakin' like a dog tryin' to shit a peach pit...




.

 

my 90 year old grandfather said "well, lets fade" while we were walking out of the shop one night. I was shocked.

 

I was in the junkyard the other day and the guy wanted to know if I was gonna buy the Mustang bucket seats. (I still had some measuring to do in the car back home to see if they would fit) so I said to him: "I measure twice - buy once"

 

"i'm busier than a 1 legged man in an ass kicking contest !"

"aint that enough to piss off the pope !"

"you need to have a big cup of shut the fuck up !"

say about a girl with big boobs "she's got a nice set of cans" !

"i was tired yesterday, and i'm tired today...so that menas i'm RE-tired"

say about a guy who acts gay "i bet that guy is a turd burgler or that guy must be a butt pirate!"

"there's more horses asses in this world, than there are horses"

 

When someone is dead wrong......"You might be right, but you're not."
When I say something really crass I usually ask, "Was that wrong of me??"
When I do/say something rotten I often say, "I feel really bad about that...oh wait (pause for a second)- yeah I'm over it"

From my old timer friend:
after farting.... "easier to dry 'em up and blow 'em out, saves wear and tear on your asshole"

"was that a mouse on a dirt bike?"

"not a bad tone for a 1/4 inch speaker"

This guy is great - he can recite shit house poetry he read 40 years ago. I've asked him to write it down - because some of it is so long I can't ever remember any of it.

 

as a kid whenever I asked my dad what time it was I would always get the same response "half passed a monkeys ass and a quarter to his balls" thats one of a few that i remember but it has always stuck.

 

i forgot about this one. whenever i wanted something as a kid my dad would always say "well son, wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first"

 

My dad would tell me to do somthing and when I asked why he would either say " 'cause I told you too!" or " 'cause it will keep my hands off your neck!" He also used the word "twitch'n" instead of "cool". When I would ask him what time it was he would look at his wrist and say "time to get a watch!". If I asked "where are you going" he would say "CRAZY!". If I asked him to make me a sandwich he would say "al-a-kazamm you're a sandwich." I could go on all day with all the corny shit my dad would say but I won't.

Other sayings I,ve picked up from old folks:
Thats mighty white of you.
It's soo hot I'm sweating like a nigger in a courthouse!
That engine screems like a raped ape!
If you're waiting for me you're moving backwards.
...I'll bet you a dollar to a donut.
If that had hair on it you'd find it.
When you were concieved, all the good stuff ran down your dads leg.
(It's raining) "Don't worry, shit floats and sugar melts. You should be ok.
If you were moving any slower you'd be moving backwards.
(What time is it?) "Pert'near time."
Colder than a witchs tit in a brass bra!
Keep your dick-tongs off my beer!
If I wanted any shit from you I'd squeze your neck!
If I wanted any lip from you I'd scrape it off my dick!

 

one of my favorites has always been

"dumb as a bucket of hair!"

 

"Damn...I know the son of a bitch like cornbread but I can't
remember his name!"

 

Train conductor told me today: "I may not be wrong, but I'm not far from it."

Especially as a verb.

Right on... C U Next Tuesday

One from my dad: "runs like a stripe-assed ape"... anyone remember the old Trans-Dapt logo?

I hope this thread goes as long as the moparts thread on roller-painting cars.

-bill

 

She's got nice teeth,...nicest set of teeth you ever came across. ..... NO SHIT SHERLOCK...very sarcastic................................................. I'd love to help you out,which way did you come in?

 

She's got nice teeth,...nicest set of teeth you ever came across. .............. NO SHIT SHERLOCK...very sarcastic ...................................................... I'd love to help you out,which way did you come in?

 

"Aint worse for me being stupid, as long as I know how to help myself"

 

My techs look at me funny when I have them replace a seal cause it been used and lost its "squish factor"

 

For the "fuck" afficianados, this is a classic:

http://www.nailmaster.ru/fuck.html