funny things to say, words you use

I can see the thought from the back of my head.
Your'e a long time dead.
He's got short arms and deep pockets.
Bloody Gallah!! (you've gotta be an aussie)
How's your wife... and my kids.
In like Flynn. After the aussie hollywood star Errol Flynn, who had
his way with with a lot of actresses, and was always in
a hurry.
More cheek than Ned Kelly. An infamous bushranger (outlaw).
There is a famous painting by the australian artist Sidney Nolan, depicting Ned Kelly disguised as a woman dancing with a drunken unknowing policeman sent to capture him. The luck of the Irish eh!

 

You can pour syrup on shit but that don't make it a pancake.

 

Working hard?.... like a one armed paper hanger. (wallpaper)
He know what he's doing?... couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
Is he mechanical?.... Can't use a hammer.
Got a match?... my ass and your face.

Life is like a shit sandwich....
More bread you have, less shit you have to eat.

 

tighten those belts one more time, boogety,boogety, boogety

 

Its funny reading some of these cuz mabe its where your from that make them differ a bit like
As useless as tits on a duck but i always heard it as useless as tits on a bull
but I got a few favs of my own like for a bad weld "That looks like monkey shit on a log chain!"
or "Im madder than a wet Jap shit'n hot nickals" "raining like a cow piss'n on a flat rock" "that thing u'll run like a scalled cat" "that thing couldnt scatter shit with a rake" "got the whole nine yards" "shake'n like a dog shit'n a peach seed"

 

just like peeing on a flat rock in the middle of a thunderstorm

 

How tight is it ? Tighter than a preacher dick in a calf's ass.
When going to the rest room, going to down load some brown ware.

 

I beat that car like a Grand Canyon mule

 

Reminds me of one my dad would say to somebody that was cheap "You’re so tight, if they shoved a lump of coal up your ass, you’d crap a diamond"

 

i like one my uncle would always tell me "its not my best but its perfect" and one my buddy always says "you gotta be fuckin me" like you gotta be kidding me

 

Why dont you come over and "Throw An Eye On It" and tell me what you think.

 

If you really dont want to do something..

"I would rather staple my penis to a burning building"

 

that;s like trying to pick fly shit out of pepper withe boxing gloves

 

Tricks of the trade,tricks of the trade

Thats the cats meow

You can pick your friends,and you can pick your nose

but you cant pick your friends nose

 

She got a face like a bastard rat

Looks like she's been beat with a bag full of walnuts

I'd crawl over 5 miles of broken beer bottles just to see where she pissed.

Dumber than a fucking anvil

Couldn't get fucked in a monkey whore house if he had a crate of bananas

 

My old man would always wake me up with the same line "Get off your ass and on your feet, out of the shade and into the heat" I get my son up the same way...lol
Or when I messed up something i got "Your the only person I know who can f- up an anvil with a rubber hammer."

 

the early bird might get the worm , but the second rat always gets the cheese!

 

i'm gonna strip-ya-dip-ya-n-ride-ya like a bar room bull!!

 

I answered a co-worker once by saying.... "are you serious"?

Without hesitation the guy answered... "as serious as death in a graveyard"

I almost died laughing

 

Happier than a puppy with two peters.

(After making a fuckup) Really stepped on my whiner with that one.

(After hearing me say that, my old man asks) Did you just screw the pooch again?

Fuck me to tears. (One of my favorites)

(After seeing what caused all the above to be said) It's like a god damned Greek tragedy.

(When trying to start a fight) If you feel a little froggy, you just jump.

(When asked a question you don't know the answer to) Nobody knows boss. (captain ron reference there , must be delivered in a deep raspy voice)

My old man's favorite:

If you work any slower, we're gonna have to start settin' pins to measure the progress. (surveyor's/construction joke)

I've cut it twice, and it's STILL to short.

Boy, you're dumber than box of rocks.

That gal's built like a brick shithouse.

(after seeing gal with huge pointy boobs, the old man elbows me in the ribs and says) Looky there, it's like a dead heat in a zeplin race!

I'm so hungry I could eat the ass out of a dead rhinoceros.

I got a million of 'em, might post a few more when I think of them.

 

how about when your looking at a car item or work that a buddy has done and say its "rare" and then as him or her if they know what the definition of rare is ,and then tell them" its done but not very well!"

 

Awww Helll...
I could do this for HOURS. The current (and favorite) pastime here at the shop is to come up with various horrible sayings.

for example. A less than desirable looking woman may be in possesion of one or more of the following...

A Wizards sleeve,
Raw bacon in a birds nest (eeewww...)
Ragged roast beef curtians
flappy sacks (fun to say.)
a hairy axe wound
or a population paste recepticle.

something cool would be
Tits!
Bitchin!
Rad!
fuuuuckin' SWEET.

whats great about those are if something is not good, a simple change in tone and they all still work.

something broken is
"All fuckered up"
"Needs to be un-fucked"

Shit. I gotta get back to work, guys...I will write down the "gems" later.

 

From my late, great Dad;

When he was surprised; "Holy Teapots!"
"He doesn't know sheep shit from cherry stones"
"She's got a butt two axe handles wide"
When looking at a beat up car "Was anybody hurt?"
"that's not worth a bit of Coon snuff"
Farting "Let her free or forever hold it within yee"

 

you mean like commenting on the way someone drives?

you couldn't drive a sharp stick up a dead dog's ass

 

Dude I know calls his girlfriend the cum dumpster....

always liked "cool as the other side of my pillow"

Some guy around here said "he'd pee in her butt" about some girl he liked.....man that spread like wildfire.

 

When it's hot I always like to say "I'm sweating like a pregnant nun" or "I'm sweating like a whore in church"

 

" I'd eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from" or "Stick with me kid and i'll have ya shittin thru the eye of a needle" or my late father in laws favorite, "If youre gonna do it, DO IT,if youre not gonna do, DONT DO IT!" he liked to tell his procrastinating kids that one. mike

 

its just a cunt hair off!

 

there was another one my buddy rick used to say when he saw a woman going braless. "hey check out the pie on welfare." welfare you say, what do you mean? " yea, no visible means of support." I used to laugh every time he said that. mike

 

cool daddy--squid