funny things to say, words you use

the complaint department is closed right now.

the lights are on but nobody's home.

you (more used with "your mom") got run over by a parked car.

tighter than fish pussy!

 

Hotter than a fox half-fucked in a forest fire!

He's so low he could walk up a snakes ass with a high hat on.

 

"About as useful as a screen door in a submarine"

"Ain't nutin dumber than a ________ except 2 of em" (you fill in the blank)

"If you ain't never done nutin wrong then you ain't never dun nutin"

"Watch your balls" (welders yell this just before we strike an arc, referring to eyeballs)

 

"Stepped in what?"
"You picking up what I'm putting down?"

 

moms fav saying, he needs to be shot with a ball of his own shit.

 

Got to pg 3 and had to post the ones I grew up hearing from Dad and a few others.....

"Looks like the north end of a south bound mule"
"shakier than a dog shitting peach pits"
"nurse I'll take another" ( beer )
"10-4 Rampard"
"Finer than a frogs hair"
"bitch has a face like a smashed crab"
"make your tongue beat your brains out" ( good food)
"blow the carbon out" ( get on it)
"its like wiping your but with a hoop, there is no end"
"thats an old trick I learned in the army"
"back in Nam"
"did you step on a frog"


And the list goes on......

 

for damn near anything that it can apply to...."That shit'll buff out" comes out of my mouth

 

dont look elthel -ray stevens
as nervos as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
funny as a rubber cruch
not worth a hill-a-beans
hit a fly at 20 paces- when ya got the shits
he dont have a pot to piss in or a boot to poor it out of

 

I feel like I've been shot at and missed... And shit at and hit.

Don't ask me.. You're the one fuckin' this monkey.

Damn son, you look enough like your daddy to be dug outta his ass with a grubbin' hoe.

My favorite saying: After a good long belch) Whew! I feel more like I do now then I did a while ago.

 

Once knew a girl who called her pussy a "cooter". Thought that was pretty cool.

 

o ya just herd another one form a guy i work with

you can shake it, slap it, beat it aginst the wall but you'l put in your pants before the last drop will fall

 

If some is good and more is better, then too much is just enough.
Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on.
She's got kind hair; the kind you find on a dog's ass.
If assholes could fly, this place (my garage) would be an airport.
Rust is like a case of the clap; easy to get and hard to get rid of.
Up the creek without a paddle.
Another hard row to hoe.
Ass, grass, or gas- nobody rides for free.
I see, said the blind man to the deaf woman.


Troll

 

oh, were just out "fuckin the dog", meaning we aint doin shit...

 

"Strong like bull....smart like fencepost."

 

Went to the steak house the other day and the waitress said I havent seen yall in a while. I said I've been jonesing for a steak for a while. The teenage girl just looked at me funny.

 

Used to tell the ex to bend over so I could look up her ass and read her mind.

 

" That ____ has got the mental capacity of a tree stump!"

 

I like to greet people with "good morning'',''good afternoon'',When I get no response I'll say loud enough to be heard, "or not."

 

I did not have time to read all of these so if some are repeats sorry.

Slicker than cum on a gold tooth!

If someone ask you where something is say.
If it was up your ass kickin footballs you would know where it is.

Stronger than a garlic milkshake

A buddy of mine use to tell us when we where doing something right.
We are fuckin good pussy now.

My personal favorite, the wife hates it.
FUCK EM IN THER DICK STAINED ASS!

Oh I almost forgot.
He may not suck a dick, but he will hold it in his mouth till it goes limp.

 

you talk so much;yer ass sucks wind. [aunt] i'll buy that for you when my rich uncle get's out of the poor house. so broke that if a trip around the world cost a nickel; i coudn't get out of sight. [grandpa] i'd rather jack off a mountain lion in a phonebooth with a fistfull of broken glass

 

Response to a fart: "You speak well for a hairlip."

When telling someone their excuse is no good: "That turd won't flush."

 

Worthless as tits on a boar hog.
Useless as boots on a rooster.
Too wet to plow. (meaning things are bad)
Plow up a snake. (meaning an very nasty surprise)
Have a hot water hemorrhage. (pee in their pants)
So confused she didn't know if she was washing or hanging out.
So confused he didn't know whether to shit or go blind.
Didn't know sheep shit from tar or his ass from second base.
If you could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth, you'd have a fortune.
Light a shuck, meaning get moving; from a time when people tied corn shucks to a stick to make a torch.
Burning daylight meaning wasting valuable time.
Rough as a cob from the days when toilet paper was a rarity, and the old sears catalog was used up. For you city folk; this one is true.
Come up a bad cloud meaning a thunder storm.
Grinning like a mule eating saw briars, meaning trying to chew without getting the thorns in his lips.

The old folks had a million of them.....slide

 

I'll slap a fart out of you thats gonna whistle like the chattanooga choo choo!
My dad had a sighn that said,
I can only help so many people a day, TODAY AINT YOUR DAMN DAY!
Thats gonna go over like a ant in a rubber.
When you find a real bad restroom my father inlaw would say,
Ive shit in england and ive shit in france, before i shit in there i'll shit in my paints!

 

Dad always tells the random help at the shop to "go get the whodunner over there" they look for the whodunner for 10 minutes and come back and ask what a whodunner is....Then we have one for when the Snap-On guy is pulling in the drive, Something Wicked This Way Comes, my favortie qoute from Macbeth. Dad uses the "You don't know Shit from Shinola" too, and then there's a bunch of ones him and his buddy from michigan use. The list is massive, and I can't remember half of them.

 

...and he looked at me like a calf looks at a new gate!

 

When someones trying to talk tuff " Tell them they sound like a young crow pecken on a fresh pile of shit."

 

If it's sympathy you want, try the dictionary. It's between shit and syphillis. Hornier then a 4 peckerd goat. Harder then Chineese algebra.

 

he'd polish a turd if he could hold it still.

 

my dad says these;
"bright as a box of rocks"
"he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he was standin on it"
" bum fuck egypt"
and my favorite "your as funny as a broken back"

 

When I go out behind the shop to piss and one of my buddies is int he shop I always sing : I've got the whole world in my hands.

When one of my buddies does the same thing I always sing back: It's a small world after all. LMAO