funny things to say, words you use

cruise'n for a bruise'n

 

"the only taste you got is in yer mouth"

 

"I wouldn't give ten dollars to see the devil ride a crochet bicycle up hill in the rain with a bale of hay on his back."

super broken

as high as giraffe pussy

dialed

hurt-box

skeezer ; skeezoid ;

 

" couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel "

 

if snowflakes were bullshit... you'd be a Montana blizzard!!!!

 

Harder than Chinese arithmetic
Put some hair around that hole maybe you'll find it
Busier than a 1 eyed cat watchin 2 gopher holes
She's got more chins than a chinese phone book
Her ass looks like a plastic bag full of cottage cheese
Hoter than a 3 peckered billy goat in a forest fire
You could screw up a can of ball bearings
Usless as tits on a bull
That looks like two cats in a gunnysack
She's not much of a wrestler but you oughta see her box\
Stickier than cat shit on a carpet

 

It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flatrock!

You know what burns my ass?...flames up to here!

Three people can keep a secret if two are dead.

 

Jack me off with a breast pump!

 

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
That boy could fuck up a rock fight.
He could ruin a steel beam with a rubber mallet.
Thats fucked up like the channel twelve news.

I went into the parts store once looking for a grommet, kid behind the counter asked me how big I wanted it, I replied "you ever seen an elephants pussy?" He just looked at me with his mouth open....priceless.

Heard my friends dad talking about this kid in towns "hot" camaro once, said "it sounds good but I bet it wouldnt pull a greasy string out of a cats ass"

 

One I've heard used by race drivers a lot: "That guy couldn't drive a fart outta his underwear!"

And the all time classic, invented by a co-worker when asked by a student about some crappy fab work: "It's obvious that you've put a lot of time and effort into...(pause for effect)...fucking that up.

 

like tryin' to shove a wet noodle up a wild cats ass

fuck me running

as buisy as a cat tryin' to bury his shit in a concrete driveway

2 wrongs dont make a right..but 3 lefts do.

if that guys brain was gun powder..he wouldnt have enough to blow his nose

 

How hot is it?
-- Hotter than two foxes fuckin' in a forest fire
-- Hotter than two mice fuckin' in a wool sock

Those two always make me laugh

 

Didn't have time to find it, but here's one on a person or a groups inability to get with the program-

"Like a monkey f*(+!^g a football!"

 

At a wake or showing...
Doesn't he look handsome??
or a brand spanking new birth...
what a beautiful baby!!
Haven't seen a dead guy or an ambiotic juiced, pink wrinkly skinned newborn ever meet those descriptions!

 

remember alot of these--when I came on a line crew in 64 as a kid, the old linemen would really mess with you and they were a tough lot. It would never fail when you got to the worksite and were nervous, one would ask you (in front of everyone) "Sonny, do you stiil get a hardon when your mommy washes you" or when someone asked the foreman about you, he would say "Just jerked this one off the tit"
My ol man used to tell me "I'll slap a fart outa you that will whistle like a bullet"
or "she's uglier than sheep shit in shallow water"

 

When I was a youngster ,about 7 years old, I used to help my old man with everything and towards the finishing stages of a project he would always say and I quote "LET'S NOT GO OFF IN OUR HAND NOW" It took me a long time to figure out what in the hell he was talking about >>>>.

 

When I make things too complicated for myself to understand, my Dad says "Son, we ain't cuttin' a diamond, we're just buildin' a _____________!"

 

It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearin' milk bone underwear
Felt like I shit a brick
If it flies, floats or fucks... lease it don't buy it
Serious as a heart attack
Uglier than a mud fence
She was coyote ugly
Smelt like a shithouse door on a tuna boat
It'll pass anything on the road except a gas station
Righty tighty Lefty loosey

 

i heard that one a little different

If it floats ,flies, fucks or drives.....rent it.

 

Jesus H. Christ

Jesus tapdancing Murphy.

Fuck me Agnes.

For the slow/underpowered cars...wouldn't scatter shit with a shovel.

when doing bodywork...apply bondo & sand off all the stuff that doesn't look like a _______________ (fender/door/whatever)

when dealing with a real dumbass...... Now i know why animals eat their young.

 

When I had my car repair shop it seemed like a lot of older retired dudes would hang in there and these cats are packed full of wisdom to say the least. So one day this old dude is explainin the small car idea as he hated small cars. So he says "Son driving a Volkswagon is like having a 3" dick !!! It might get by around town but it ain't for shit out on the road" >>>>.

 

"now we're cook'in with gas" - when you solve a problem and now we are "on a roll".
"He's softer n' a grape" - someone with questionable judgement.
dagnabit! - "swear" word my grandfather used to say when he was really really mad (madder than "darn").

Rebecca

 

If I knew I was gonna live this long Ida taken better care of myself
When I was a kid we were so poor if I didn't have a hard on I had nothin to play with.
Well i'll be a monkeys uncle
He doesn't give two shits.
If I had one of those I'd have to have two...One to shit on and one to cover it up.
He doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

 

When my mom would ask my pop how he liked supper, if he didn't care for it he'd say "I wouldn't throw myself off a cliff if I never had it again", or "I feel like a god in a pagan society! All I get are burnt offerings!"
-My favorite saying for an untalented hack is, " He's got an eye like a dead rock bass!"
-Condition when too much time is spent reading on the throne-Shithouse Polio

 

"Clear as the balls on a tall dog"

 

When my kids would do that, I'd tell them " your ass may be cracked but your legs ain't broken"

 

Im not sure if its taken or not yet (didnt want to go through 30 pages) but when someones got it good, or something good happens i say "Well, now your shittin in high cotton" I got it from my older friend, and the day i heard it, i couldnt stop laughing.

 

Man, some guys are really showing their age on this one...

 

C.U.N.T Can't understand Normal thinking....

 

"I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball"

"Move it over just one more Red One"

"You're about as dependable as a wet fart"