funny things to say, words you use

"You can't fix stupid."

 

Quote from Old School H.A.M.B.er "See that guy over there! He wouldn't make a pimple on a HOT-RODDER'S ASS!!! Replie from FNG "Oh yeah he wouldn't even make a pimple ass hot-rodder !!! >>>>.

 

My father in law always said "Glad 'ya got 'ta see me!" when it was time to leave.

 

I tell my girls that my dad can remember when the Dead Sea was just sick.

Opinions are like buttholes....everybody's got one, and half of them stink!

If "if's" and "but's" were candies and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas!

You could tear up an anvil with a Q-Tip!

 

"Busier than a one armed paper hanger in a windstorm with a bad case of the crabs!" - I am really busy right now

"I would crawl throught ten miles of broken glass and filthy water just to get a sniff of the exhaust from the laundry truck that hauled off her filthy skivies! She is cute!

"So, you want to go to bed warm" Behave, or I will beat the shit out of you!

"Well, if it ain't Willie Borsch!" I see you wrecked the golf cart!

"Well fuck me with a rubber mallet!" Gee, that is puzzling?

"Tell me who you hang out with and I'll tell you who you are" Why are you so stupid, gee, let me guess

"You think its bad now, wait another minute!"

"Go see if the pigs laid eggs" Get out of my face, I am busy

 

hahahhaa my poppa (dad) used to tell me "I should have made your mom swallow" when we mess around with each other. When some people here that for the first time they have a look of shock on their face..its funny to us.

 

"Just remember no matter where you go.........there you are"
-Buckaroo Bonzai

How bout this one?
"It's a goat rope"

Try roping a goat sometime.
r

 

F**k you, you f**king, f**k

If it was raining pussy's I'd catch one with a dick stuck in it

If it don't fit force it

What the french toast

Boy I wish I was an idiot so i could get away with stupid sh*t

I'm going to rip you bald and kick your azz for being bald

Geez did you eat a bowl of Carnation of instant B*tch for breakfast

Why don't you practice swallowing teeth I'll be there in a second.

Why don't you practice falling down I'll be there in a second.

You want to fight, why don't you put your head up my azz and fight for air.

 

"Fits like a saddle on a goat", "Thats the cats pajamas", "someone just shit in my pants" When asked "what do ya know?" i reply " It takes a big dog to weigh a ton"

 

It takes a big dog to weigh a ton and a bigger cat to whip its azz

 

Coupla good ones from Dad

"Did you get your license in a CrackerJack Box!?!?!!?"
"That could knock a buzzard offa sh*twagon!"
"You make a better door than a window!"
"I'll knock you to next Tuesday"

Some of my personal faves:
"People who know it the least, know it the loudest"
"Supper"
"That'll put hair your teeth"

 

Forgot one my wife's:

Monkey Farmer!

 

...and another "Holy Cock Robin and the Door Flew Open!" - much more elqoquent than "Fuck that hurt!" doncha think?

 

WTF is very common in impolite company, WHAT THE CAT HAIR can be used in all types of social venues, WITHOUT CENSURE!
[yeah, i know who cares who is listening! BUT i can get this by my 85 year old mom w/o a dirty-look.]
thanx red ryder

 

"That looks like Fido's Ass"

 

fuck you up and get high

 

"Man, it was so cold, I saw a couple of dudes warming their hands on a witches tit."

"Slicker than cum on porcelain."

"Richer than six feet up a bull's ass."

"Don't force it, get a bigger hammer."

"You couldn't be more wrong if your name was W. Wrongy, Wrongenstein."

Instead of telling someone they left their headlights on, my Dad will ask them, "Is your battery overcharged?"

Here's one that my Dad likes to drop on auto parts store clerks:
Dad: "I need some 3/8" fuel hose."
Clerk: "How long?"
Dad: "I'm gonna keep it."

 

My token prase to use on this message board when people throw hissies is

"PUT YOUR BIG GIRL SKIRT ON!!!!!!!!!" thank you very much.

 

We always had a lot of "stuff" around (dad had a small farm and also fixed cars to make $$). I was blessed with "stuff" to tinker with.
Whenever he had something he thought was going to be useful at some point in the future he would say, "let's put this away in a nice, safe place.. so we'll never find it again".
That was the way it usually went. Ha had too many hidey-holes.

He also would state what I thought was the obvious (to my 9 year-old brain at the time anyway)...
".. a sure sign of rain: big drops, falling fast".
Miss him.

 

My dad is a machinist, and he always usesthe term, "wollered out". Meaning worn out... Maybe its a machinist thing?

 

I have worked with my grandpa my whole life and the things he says keep me in stiches all day.

drunk= hammered whale shit
sick= feel like a bag of smashed assholes
talkative= that guy's windier than a bag of farts
hot= hotter that two rats fuckin in a sock
yeah well people in hell want ice water
thats fucked up like a pile of clothes hangers
thats fucked up like a (insert racial slur) tackle box
that guy could tear up an anvil with a rubber mallet
what he don't tear up he shits on
he couldn't get laid in a monkey whore house with a bag of bananas
thats fine as frogs hair

if the dog didn't stop to shit he would've caught the rabbit, if you wouldn't have stop to smell it you would've seen the race.

hair like a goat, eyes like a frog, break like a shotgun, and I'll fuck ya like a dog.


kid: I'm thirsty
Dad: theres a whole lake tied on to the end of that faucet!



just a few gems from my childhood!

 

"who the fuck rattled your cage?" or "someone piss in your cherrios?"

 

Classics from my dad:
"runs like a striped ass ape"
"fuck a duck, screw a pigeon, go to hell and find religion"
"I nearly fell through my asshole!"

Dad would ask one of these two after I'd come home from a date
"did ya get any tuna on yer fliper?"
"did ya get any honey on yer stinger"

Q: dad where is the 9/16 socket (or anything else I was looking for):
A: "if it were up your ass you'd know it"

Dad doesnt say alot...but when he does...priceless.

 

forgot these!

"you cant polish a terd" and if you could you'd just have a polished terd

"10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag"

"sweating like a whore in church"

"I feel like hammered dog shit"

 

When something goes horribly wrong- EPIC FAIL!!

when someone takes off or goes missing- "Takin' a powder"

and when someone needs a slap "5 across the eyes will learn him!"

Oh ya, and my friends favourite
"dumber than a bag of wet hammers" - I dont get it either?

 

gettin old aint for pussys!!!! useless as tits on a boar hog. how long you gonna sit and stare at that thing?

 

Heard this one a couple of weeks ago at Breakfast.
Pussy,
looks like a taco
smells like a fish
has the power of Kryptinite

 

Heard it the same way, "wollered out" for something worn too far to fix by normal means. Maybe has something to do with hog wallows being sloppy too?

One from an old machinist, talking about a really nice piece of work: "that thing fits like a cock in a widow".

 

I worked with an old Machinist years ago (Rocky), his saying was "Tighter than a preachers dick in a cats ass." I assume that means it's very tight. Another of his favorite sayings was "Safe as a drunk monkey with a loaded shotgun" He was definately a character.

 

your gonna have a hard time picking up your teeth with broken fingers!!!!!

colder than a well diggers ass.

tighter than fish pussy, and its water proof.