funny things to say, words you use

Hornier than a twelve peckered billy goat
Sexier than a boar chigger
Tighter than a nun's cunt
Hard on harder than 12,000 jaw breakers
Thinner than piss on a plate
Hungry enough to eat the landing gear out of a buzzard's ass
Don't take long to look at it......touching something hot
Lays pretty close to the ground......something heavy
Dumber than a box of rocks
That tastes worse than you look

 

I wasa fixin to say something like.....I use to live like I was gonna live forever, the older i get the shorter forever seems to be.

 

Or.....looks like she was set on fire and put out with an ugly stick.

 

Heard this today in referance to Jessica Simpson.

Dumb as a door knob.

 

Who shit in your sandwich ?
You got some sand in your vagina today ?
Are you pickin up what I'm puttin down?

whenever my boss thinks somthing is good or right on, he says its "GOLDEN"

I was born at night, but not lastnight.

 

So hungry that I could eat the asshole outa a skunk,The universal statement of FuckinA!

 

I gave your mom a dirty sanchez and then she gave me a rusty trumbone.

when your getting ready to leave your frends house late at night, this is what you say." Hey guys I'm ganna go home and hit the sack.............and then go to bed "

 

Go home and tell your Mother she wants you

It's darker than a whores heart in here (or out there)

I'd slap you but shit splatters

If stupid were cheerios this place would be General Mills

 

Around here when you are doin great you are shittin in high cotton.

Gotta go do a loggin operation and then some paperwork.

Got one prairie doggin!

Monkey cut his throat..or she's ridin her menstral cycle and has her helmet on.

Hotter than a fresh f****d fox in a forrest fire.

Useful as a screen door in a submarine.

 

Some good stuff here; lots of people beat me to the punch on a lot of sayings, but I don't think these were put down yet.

How am I doing? "Depends on who you ask." I'm asking you! "Your wife said I was pretty good."

One of Dad's (describing a car or airplane that's squirrley): "like a fart in a skillet."

My 14 year old daughter yesterday: "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?"

Disparage: "ugly as a mud fence in a rainstorm", "...a face that looked like it was set on fire and put out with gasoline", he wasn't just hit with an ugly stick; someone took the whole tree to that motherfucker", "I wouldn't even fuck her with your dick", "the bitch is so fat you'd run outa' flour before you found the wet spot".

Measurements: "blonde pussy hair", "black pussy hair","red pussy hair" in ascending order of thickness. There's a 'blivet' - ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. "I kept cutting it and it's still too short." R.A.W. data: Rack, Ass, and Waist.

Stupidity: "he'd lose a battle of wits to a stuffed iguana", "dumber than a post (rocks, or hole in the ground)", "bet she's a natural blonde", "shit for brains would be an improvement", or "cupid stunt!".

A couple more from Dad: "dryer than a popcorn fart", "hard as a wedding day prick."

True story: one day a friend comes in from taking out the garbage, and declares "GFC!" We all look at him and try to figure it out. Finally we gotta' ask... Geesus Fucking Christ. We still give him shit about misspelling Jesus.

Last week I slipped and let out some extra-industrial language: "Jesuschristc**ksucker". That raised some eyebrowes, even in a train repair shop.

-bill

 

Oh, I almost forgot...

Colder than a hooker's heart.

Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra.

Colder than charity.

Colder than an ex-wife's smile.

-bill

 

Grand father when he was mad at me..."Son I am goin' to hit you so hard your gonna hum like a ten penny finishing nail hit with a greasy ball peen hammer"
Fitysix

 

When your doing good your "sitting in tall cotton" I guess it was a farmer thing. My dad (who's 61) had an old timer tell him that when he was young.

A pretty girl is a tomato. I don't know where that goes back to, but I'm the only 20 something who knows wtf I'm talking about when I say it.

And in true military fashion, say it fast now, "what the fuck over"

 

A few more that I had forgotten about.

-Dumber than a box of rocks
-Uglier than a bulldogs ass
-Smellier than a bucket of smashed assholes

 

I had to get someone to jump start my Galaxie the other day and after this nice fella helped me i said "much obliged, sir" He looked at me like he had never heard that before.

 

Id rather be chewing on tinfoil

 

If somebody says..

What are you looking at?
answer: Not much!

I'm not as dumb as I look.
answer: You couldn't be!

If somebody complains of pain, I ask. Does your face hurt?
No, why?
"Cause it's killing me

 

"gotta shit like a scared goose".... "could shit thru a screen door"..............."smells like the shitter door of a tuna boat"

 

"Tighter than a duck's ass"
"she's got a face like a bag of spanners"
" madders than a box of frogs"

To get drunk here in the UK "getting lashed" "getting pissed" "trolleyed" etc

ugly girls - " looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle"

 

Slicker than...
hen shit on a pump handle
duck squat through a tin horn

A hot chick is a "dime piece" (perfect 10) or "nails"
A hot body with an ugly face is a "nickel and a six pack" or a
"bag and flag" (put a bag on her head and do it for your country)
A girl with a big ass is "business class"

Threats from mom...
"I'll snatch you baldheaded!"
"I'll slap the taste outta your mouth!"

When someones bugging you while your busy...
"Do I come downtown and knock the dicks out of your mouth when YOU'RE trying to work?"

 

Level with the World.

If Bullshit were snowflakes, you'd be a blizzard.

I gotta lay some cable.

 

This is true a machine shop owner here had a board with a bunch of hairs on it with measurements bellow them all varnished up like some trophy !I asked him about it when i was in my 40s an he was way past retirement age .It seems that he was some form of hydraulics engineer for Lockheed before and during ww11 there was this one upper level guy in research that was always coming to him with "if ya just take off a cunthair it'll fit just fine"One of his more rowdy lady friends comes over to him a little while after one of these episodes and gave him "A Guage Hair "for the next time this happened ,well word got out and by weeks end he had 35 or 40 hairs !said he was given hairs by LADIES that you would think would faint at the thought!Well he took them all home over the weekend and varnised them on that board with the measurement of each .Then next time that guy came with that line my friend handed him the board and said "here pick the one we need "my friend said you could hear the ladies roar through the entire department at the look on this guys face !Now for guys like BREEDER that really need to know Red Heads have the thickest hair.my friends gone now but I sure would like to know just what happened to that board, my guess is after keeping it that long they burried it with him !

 

Piss on a flatrock

Finer'n frog's hair

Goes like a striped-ass monkey

I could shit through a screen door at 30 yards and not hit a wire.

Crazier than a two-peckered goat at the county fair

Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest

Hotter than a whorehouse on dollar day.

Tougher than boiled owl shit.

 

"The only reason I'm so fat is 'cos every time I fuck your mother , she gives me a cake"

"I'm trying to see things from your point of view , but I don't think there's room for both our heads up your arse"

 

guys like breeder??smartass!!! my wifes a natural redheck ,,so there!!!!dont listen to leon, he sounds like paul sr. on the phone!!!

 

When someone does something stupid--"It's a good thing you're pretty"
For a hot woman--"She makes my tongue hard"
When trying to explain a simple task to someone who JUST DOESN'T GET IT--"Come on, it's not rocket surgery"...usually messes 'em up even worse

 

NO Good Deed Will Go Unpunished!!

Seems like this is true, for example, you mow the little old lady's grass next door for free and break your lawnmower.

 

colder n' a whores heart

tighter than a nuns cunt

go piss up a rope

a hot body with a horse face is a butter face,
everythings fine but her face.

 

i used to box four hours a day with out stoppin to rest...
apples and oranges ..


i was quite succesful hunting grizzly bears with a club..
there was 245 members in our club..

go ahead have a tall glass of milk before goin out drinkin ... you won't ever get hung over

just puke on your date tho hahahah

my old uncle hub the bartender wish i could have written them all down...

paperdog