old car jokes, lets hear em

little Johnny is sitting on the street corner playing with a bottle of acid . along comes a peacher man and sits down beside him, and ask what hes playing with:
" a bottle of acid" say johnny.
preacher man " you shouldnt play with that . heres a bottle of holy water . if you rub this on a womans belly , she'll pass a baby"
johnny looks over with a grin " shit preacher man , you rub this acid on a cats ass, he'll pass a Buick"

 

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

 

so i borad at work and this thread crack me up . so i start googling car joke and found this.. The Original Ford Joke Book

Copyright, 1915
THE WOODWARD PUBLISHING CO.
BINGHAMTON, N. Y.

http://www.vintageantiqueclassics.com/fordjokebook/ford_jokes.html​

 

( Or ) ...and three to flame him for putting the new one in wrong or picking out one they wouldn't have bought...lol

 

What kind of car would Jesus have driven??
A Chrystler

 

What do rusty fender skirts and poodle skirts have in common?


They are both a bitch to get off!

 

Junk Yard Kid, That ain't no joke. I know the guy.
Frank

 

ok I did not read the whole mess of jokes but I have this one
Old trucker running down in the south hears this noise from the front end, he gets out to check it and see's the spindle nut has come loose. He checks thru his tool box but aint got anything big enough to tighten it and figures he needs a monkey wrench. He gets out and starts up the road and comes to an old shack , knocks on the door and when this old black lady answers, he asks hey mam do you have a monkey wrench I can borrow? she says yes and goes back in the house and comes out with this old pink douche bag. trucker says how in the hell is that gonna do me any good?

old lady looks him straight in the eye n says this is what I wrenches my monkey with

 

Cool! Cause Texas is next in line....












To be followed by New Jersey...

Question: Why don't NJ people like Jehova's Witnesses?

Answer: Because they don't like any witnesses.

 

A elephant in the jungle finds himself in quick sand and about to go under. He yells for help and a mouse in a red Corvette pulls up and ties a rope to the red Corvette and pulls the elephant out. The elephant is so thankfull that his life has been saved. He tell the mouse that if he ever need anything just yell for him and he will come running. Several weeks later the mouse finds himself in the same fix, in quick sand and about to go under. He yell for the elephant and in no time the elephant is there to save his life. The elephant explains that he doesn't have any rope but he will staddle the quick sand and the mouse can grab the elephants dick and he will just backup and pull the mouse out. the mouse was save. THE MORAL OF THE STORY You don't need a red Corvette if you have a big dick

 

so i'm drivin' down the road an i sees this redhead hitchhiking. so i stops and picked her up.
she jumps in my car and says" thanks for the ride , but i should tell you that i am a witch".
itold her that i didn't beleive in all that BS .
she smiled at me "oh ya".



then she turned me into a motel !

 

A guy parks his rod and walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He notices a cute blond further down the bar and slides down to talk to her. "What's your name little lady?"
She replies "Everybody calls me Carmen"
The guy says "Why do they call you Carmen?"
Blond says "Because I like cars and I like men. So what's your name?"

Guy replies "They call me Beer F***"

Solve for the stars if you like!!

 

on a calm autum evening you can hear a chevy rust away

 

i dont have any heatin my VW can you flush the heater core

 

FORD NAMES:

first on race day

found on road dead

flip over read directions

fuged over rebuilt dodge

 

Gmc Name


Got Mechanic Coming

got more cash

 

pontiac names

poor old numb-nut thinks its a cadillac

 

chevrolet
cracked heads every valve rattles oil leaks every time

honda
had one never do-it again

 

Drips
Oil
Drops
Grease
Everywhere

Move
Over
Pontiacs
Are
Racing

 

mopar
mitsubishis over priced american replica

 

God is a Mopar fan- we'll just leave it there. (Who am I kidding, I like 'em all). Wish I had a good car joke...

 

Fiat - fix it again Tony

 

"honda
had one never do-it again"

The one I'm more familiar with:

Has
Obviously
No
Driving
Ability

And believe me, around here there is a lot of truth to the statement.

 

What's the difference, driving a volvo or getting a head job from a poofta?




Nothing. They both feel good till someone sees you.

 

I had a car called a rolls canardly.












rolls down one hill canardly get up the next.

 

Old Harley joke.....

Statistics suggest that 9 out of 10 Harley Davidsons are still on the road today.









This means that 1 actually made it back home.

 

any more?

 

Old lady is sitting home watching the news when she sees a report that an elderly man is driving down the wrong side of the highway into oncoming traffic. She knows that her husband is coming home from work and decides to call him to warn him of this maniac. She gets him on the phone and says "Harold, be careful there is some crazy driver going the wrong way on the highway" He says " No shit, there's thousands of them!!

 

There was this blond girl and she needed a ride. So I offered her a ride in my truck. She gets into the back of the truck and I started to drive.

But then I accidently drove off the bridge and into the sea. I opened the door and floated to the surface. A little while later the blond finally popped up. I asked why she took so long.

She said she had to open the tail gate.

 

This will take a little bit of explaining....


Along the road to Gundagai' is one of Australia's best loved old folk songs. It also has an alternative set of lyrics, which I was taught by my grandfather as a child, so they're bloody years old. The first set is the 'original' lyrics, the second set is the 'Ford' lyrics...

The Road to Gundagai

There’s a track winding back to an old fashioned shack
Along the road to Gundagai
Where the blue gums are growing, the Murrumbidgee’s flowing
Beneath that sunny sky
Where my Mummy and Daddy are waiting for me
Where the pals of my childhood are waiting for me
So no more will I roam till I’m headed right for home
On the road to Gundagai.




There’s an old fashioned Ford made of rubber, tin and board
Along the road to Gundagai
The radiator’s hissing, and half the engine’s missing
The oil tank’s running dry
There’s water in the petrol and sand in the gears
And it hasn’t seen a garage for more than twenty years
But O lord hear the roar when the pedal hits the floor
Along the road to Gundagai.
​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>Cheers, Glen. </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>