No hot chick, S***y Gr***y Green Cutl*** or gay boxer in this story, though. Just a hot day, a mint green rusty Chev and a lone Gay ***** Warrior at odds with the ENEMIES of Disco! Decided that the dead *** ****bolt (some call 'em Stovebolts! ) had taken up valuable space between the frame rails for too long, so that ***** has got ta GO! Made a vow to set 'er free! (You sure you WANT that boat anchor back, Jay? You didn't see what came outta the drain plug! ) That top bolt on the driver's side of the trans, holding it to the bellhousing is a real Mother****er, as some may already know! Put away your swivels and ****...it's too tight to the ****** case, and caked with crud for conventional wisdom! What about that Window of Opprotunity? The so-called Access Panel in the floorboard? Surely, all would be right with the world if one were to remove said panel and leisurely remove any offending bolts and linkage...RIGHT? HA HA HA HA HA! Mortal FOOLS! You know NOTHING about Michigan cars! Especially ones that got here by way of VIRGINIA! Take a 50 year old car from the Salty Eastern Seaboard, then let it sit in the salty frozen toxic HELL that IS Southern Michigan for a few years, and have at it, Ace!!! So...resign yourself to the fact that Mutilation Therapy is in order. You're gonna HAFTA hack a jagged, gaping hole in SO CALLED REMOVEABLE ACCESS COVER, and live with it...just one MORE hole to patch later! Bust out the drill, tin snips, hammer and pliers, Baby...we's goin' in for da KILL! Cut your finger to the BONE on a jagged shard of rusty metal. (Isn't that the weirdest feeling...when you feel the metal bounce off of the bone...seconds before the blood gusher and pain arrive???). This step is CRUCIAL...without it, you're just PLAYIN', Boy! No time for shots, s***ches and other sissy stuff for bored rich dudes with medical coverage...wrap the finger with an antique bandage strip from the same rusty METAL box that's been in the bathroom since Reagan's first term in office and soldier ON! No room for *****s in this Platoon!! (Is that a cool little torture someone thought up years ago? You know...trying to peel open a "sterile bandage strip" with a nearly severed finger? I never fail to enjoy the irony of that!!!) Anyhow...you'll soon be back in the bathroom cussing under a 50 watt bulb with a pair of tweezers and a dirty x-acto knife in tow to surgically remove a tiny metal sliver from another fingertip. ****, no worries if the FBI and CIA ever DID have your fingerprints on file...they're all ****ed up now!!! Back to the Trenches, Buck Private! You should now have reasonable access to that ****ing trans bolt, anyway. Grab a 9/16" wrench and remove it. Give it a ceremonial toss over the fence, and get back to WORK, you loafer! With the Damned Bolt outta the way, the only thing aside from gravity holding that engine in place is the clutch lnkage. Feel free to toy with wrenches and stuff if you must...but it ain't goin' down THAT easy! Wrap a hacksaw blade with a rag, and resign yoursef to 78 minutes of laying on your back slowly, PAINFULLY cutting away overhead on that forged steel linkage arm. Not much room up there, so go in slow, agonizing back and forth motions. Your arm will SCREAM in agony, but there's no one here to HEAR it, so heft your Weapon and mow down their defenses...one 'shot' at a time! Finally...the linkage snaps in two! Grab your Big*** PryBar and work that ***** against the bellhousing. Summon forth the hidden strengths that all humans have...now, when David Banner becomes angry or enra...uuuh, oops...well, HEAVE that Mutha and rock the ****bolt to one side, letting it fall back into place with a resounding, muted "thud". Ding Dong The ***** Is Dead! No cherrypicker on site, so fight the temptation to try some ****ing Wild *** Egyptian Pyramid Building Block Moving stunt and take comfort in the fact that soon, oh so SOON, that sonofa***** is commin' OUTTA there and no longer will the poor car be crippled by the dead futility that IS ****bolt engines...for soon...ever so SOON, it shall spring forth amid an unmuffled buzz of sheer Disco Power...Vega Style! The buzzing exhaust! The ragged state of tune...the OIL SMOKE...it'll provide all the FLAVOR of a ****bolt engine without the inconvenience of decorating a half mile of roadway with oil and shrapnel should you decide to make the jump to Ludicrous Speed and tear open the 35 mile per hour envelope! Brave work on worn steering and bias tires over Michigan's ****ed up roadways, for SURE...but now, at least, the option of speedy travel will be OPEN to you! The Rules of ****boltdom will no longer apply! You CAN floor it...you can drive it on a hot day...or a cold day...you CAN have the FLAVOR without the tummy-ache, Muchacho!!! Now, be a Helluva Nice Guy and pop the drian plug on that long dormant excuse for an engine! No sense making a BIGGER mess in the bed of Jay's truck when he shows up to haul the 216 carc*** back to his secret lair of Engine Storage! DAMN! Lookit all that antifreeze, Bro! A whole GALLON of freely flowing green liquid emerges punctuated here and there with tiny pieces of metal and debris...this ***** was put down HARD!!! Finally, the antifreeze stops and the black, gurgling globs of...OIL (for lack of a better word!) bleed forth...filling a whole kitchen dishpan to the brim with liquid Death, internal combustion style! Rough way to check out, Man! Ha Ha Ha...so, what did y'all get done today??? (Oh yeah...if the weather be good...HAMB THRASH at the Fat Hack Ranch next Saturday!) I'm sure the three of us will be there, anyway...more always welcomed!
Hack, Forgive me for laughing at your misery, but man, you had me rollin'. oooooh. Sorry, just catching my breath. Glad you had victory in the end.
you sure got a way with words captain hack Sir! get yourself a hunk of s****e (toilet paper) and a fresh roll of black tape and wrap up that injury proper, if it can cure radiator hose leaks and stuff surely it can staunch the flow of blood from your finger? good news you got the old 6 banger out and your vision of discodum is growing closer
Wish I could be there Hack- I'm a master at beating bolts off with a ratchet handle or whatever the HELL is heavy enouh to shake em loose!
[ QUOTE ] (Is that a cool little torture someone thought up years ago? You know...trying to peel open a "sterile bandage strip" with a nearly severed finger? I never fail to enjoy the irony of that!!!) [/ QUOTE ] HA ha hack. I've been there recently. I was putting together a gate for my dog's pen and the drill slipped.....naw.....I didn't get the drill bit in my finger.....I HAD A PHILLIPS HEAD BIT IN THERE. That thing tunneled right into my thumb about a half a mile. For a while, I tried to keep working....I noticed the bits of flesh hanging off of the screw driver bit. Then all the blood.......errrrr.... Time for a band-aid. I use the big ones. I don't even bother with those little pimple camoflage ones. I go for the BIG, sop up a quart of blood ones. Its not fun trying to peel the damn things open. BLOOD everywhere. I put in a set of ****** Super Comp headers on the Fairlane this weekend. 6 1/2 hrs putting on the driver side....10 mins. putting on the p***enger side....
Fat Hack.........I'd love to make the thrash at your place brother but I'm doing my own thrash on the chevy the same weekend!!!............I'll be there in spirit and I'll have a brew in the name of success for ya!!
i take it you've never seen a 216/235 type bellhousing.... wait'll you have to deal with THAT ****er key tip here is: remove flywheel 1st btw, what IS up with bandaids and their easy-open ****? btw, you're a ***** for even using a bandaid. myself, i like the lakker thinner inside the latex glove. hurts like a MF but doesn't get blood everywhere
damnit..why did i miss all that!! that was funny as ****. i knew u would end up hacking that panel open guess i could have rememberd to loan u my sawzall last week like i said i was going to doh! o and i dont think that bell housing idea is going to work. i have a few xtra if u would to like to try.. Bryan
DIRTYT..........how's the the progress on your bad *** 50 coming brother?..........is she puuuuurrrrrrring yet!! Fat's I'am drinking one of those Canuck brews right now.......and trying to do one of those Valcan mind melts by squezzing the bottle and sending out good vibes.......not sure if it will work if your drinking non canadian brew!! ..........let me know if it works, was told it only works after the first dozen brew's!.....or is that when the girls get better looking!!
Fat Hack, You need torches, man... Fire is your friend. Setting 50 year old caked on grease on fire, and filling your lungs with the smoke of it is much more satisfying...
hahaha, ouch! yesterday I welded some safety clips on the front of my ladder bars, to do that meant pulling the bars out so I get the car up on the lift, grab a wrench and socket first bolt I go after I put the wrench on the bolt and socket on the nut ****er is really on there, so I put both hands on the rachet and the nut turns so does the bolt and wrench I caught the open end of a 1 1/8" wrench smack in the eye! I staggered for a minute, shook it off and finished the job with with ice bag nearby. tough welding, hell doing anything half blind and in pain! time for a jobsite safety meeting! hahaha Paul
Ahahahahahahahahaha! You guys need blue cross and a torch. Fire is indeed your friend but I gotta wonder : if you guys can inflict this much self abuse without a torch, what would you do WITH one? Maybe better leave the fire alone. Hey hack....three words, bro.. small---block----chevy.......words to ponder, my friend.
Daaaamn! I stripped out my free postal van and all I got was a few scratches, a sunburn and itchy all over from rolling around on a driveway covered with fibergl*** dust.
The Jalopy Journal
