Share your best automotive humor and stupid stories

One Xmas eve when cleaning out the shop,a workmate decides to make a oxy-actelyne bomb.Has this then wired to the indicator circuit of a car all panelled ready to go to the paintshop.The rest of us were having xmas beers...Guy gets the floor sweeper boy to stick his hand in and turn the ignition on....Next thing we hear this guy yelling and screaming.Yep,he turned the key to far,it fired and just happened to be in reverse(and auto choke).The thing shot across the workshop and smashed into the wall.Funny as hell,boss went ape shit.Never did hear the bomb go off..

 

In Atlanta a guy who worked at a local auto repair place decided to take one of the customer's cars out late that night on a date instead of driving his old truck. He picked out a real nice Mercedes S-class. I guess he would do this every once in a while, so that thing about checking your mileage is a good idea. Well anyway, he picks up his date and they are driving on I-75 when he runs over a matress in the road. It gets stuck under the car so he pulls over to the side of the road and tries like hell to pull it out from under the car, but no go, the springs in the mattress are all wrapped up in the undercarriage. Well the mattress starts to smoke either from the cat or from dragging the springs and sparking. He panicks and tries to move the car backwards and forwards while yelling and screaming, which must have been great for his date. Bottom line, the mattress caught fire and burned that Mercedes to the ground so that there was not one shiney spot left on the entire car.

Yeah, he got fired.

 

I was helping a buddy put a starter in a junker Maverick he got. I put the starter in then reached in through the window and it fired right up. I turned it off and then gave him the keys. He got in and turned the key....nothing. I crawl back underneath, and everything looks fine. So I reach through the window again, turn it over and low and behold it starts right up. So I turn it off agian, he gets in and tries to strat it...nothing. This goes on for about two hours trying to figure out whats going on. I finally call a ford dealership, turns out in that year maverick if there is weight on the seat and the seatbelt is'nt clicked the ignition is killed. That explains why it would fire up when I reached through the window to start it. More annoying then stupid

 

Years ago my boss comes back from the auto parts house, looked like the tough ol' bastard had been crying. So we said what happened? He said he walked into the store and was waitng for the "older" counter man 'cause the "new" guy cant seem to get the parts right.... EVER .... for anybody! So while he is looking around wasting time, a guy from another shop busts through the door. He sees the new guy and tells him he needs a jug of sealed beam headlight fluid. Didn't let the kid even start to ask a question and said dammit, i'm in a hurry. The other counter guys hid or left and this poor guy was sweattin' bullets looking for a clue. He fumbled around looking through the parts catalogs (remember those?) and finally asked the older guy that is now hiding his tears "where's the sealed beam headlight fluid?" Old counterman wipes his eyes, says "it's in the book next to the anco wiper blades." by now who ever had a good poker face and could still stand, wasn't going to leave before this ended. He was still rifling through pages for a while longer. when he could not stand it any longer old guy tells him "Just get him the fluid, he is in a hurry and we can send the bill to his shop. The poor guy turned and asked "where do we keep it?" Old guy says "it's up stairs". So he went off to search the one story building for a ladder and the product. niether of which are needed or exist.
Needless to say, soon the story made it all over town and the owner let him go.

 

20 years ago I heard of an older gentleman selling his 64 Jaguar XKE coupe with only 34,000 miles on it "CHEAP"...!

Apparently he just had spent a bundle on new brakes and when he pulled into his drive his car quit running and he ran the starter until the cables were glowing...!

So he pushed it in the garage and put a new battery in it and ran that battery down as well trying to get it started.

So he just let it sit... for 24 years until he needed some cash!

So I bought it for $1,500 and brought it home checked the carbs and they looked perfect and the sliders moved freely. I decided to bypass the fuel line and test it out... it fired up immediatly! So I checked the fuel line and tank and both were spotless... he had ran it out of gas and didn't know it because the "Lucas" gas gauge read "FULL"...!

So I filled her up and sold her for $8,500!!!

"Thankyou Lucas"...!

Lucas Electric = "Prince of darkness 3 way switch... Dim, Flicker and Off"...!

And I "Never" had to replace the muffler bearing...!

 

I worked in one shop around 1977 and we had this 18 year old kid who claimed to be the best mechanic in the world. He was the guy that could take 45 minutes to do a basic toe adjustment on the alignment rack.

He talks the service manager into letting him do a water pump job on a full size 1972 or so Olds 98. He had parts spread all over the place and made it into a big production. We advised him to organize the hardware as it came apart, he just dropped them into the bucket of coolant under the car as he toook them out.

When he broke for lunch, some wag in the shop took a double handful of used bolts from our junk hardware can and dumped them into his coolant catch pan. To make a longer story short, he came to realize that he had WAY too many bolts to assemble the pump! One of the more experienced mechanics wound up finishing the job up.

 

I had a car up on the alignment rack and told the customer that she needed a new tierod sleeve because hers was frozen.

She asks me, "Can't you just defrost the old one?".

 

Here's one I posted on another thread yesterday, but it seems pretty appropriate here (i.e."Stupid Stories"). Wish I could say I've gotten smart since then, but I'm sure there are people who would disagree.

Anyways -

My first "real" job was being a pump jockey at a gas station when I was sixteen (1960-61).

I was left alone there for a few hours one slow Saturday afternoon. An attractive young lady (probably 10 years older than me) pulled in with a '50s Ford convertable. She said she was looking to buy the car, but the motor was making a funny sound - or something like that - and asked if I would give it a quick check.

Well, I had no clue as to what to look for, but was greatly enjoying her company and attention, so of course I said yes. She pulled into the service bay and I confidently popped the hood. I piddled around checking the belts, plug wires, etc., and found nothing obviously wrong.

Still, she was pretty sweet looking, and quite friendly, so in a lame attempt to impress her further with my exceptional mechanical knowledge, I removed the air cleaner and poked around some more. Seems like it may have been a flathead, but either way there was an old style oil fill tube with a breather cap - filled with something like very coarse steel wool - slipped down over its top.

The breather was oil-soaked, so I took it over to the parts washing tray, dipped it in and shook it around to clean it out. I slipped it back onto it's tube and told the little honey to hit the starter. The instant she did, there was a very loud noise, and quite a bit of smoke. The explosion blew the breather cap off and it banged loudly on the underside of the hood. At the same time, the dipstick shot out of the motor, careened off the inner fender, and flew across the room into a window pane - which of course, it busted out.

We were both terrified, and needless to say, that was the end of my attempts to impress the young lady. I quickly put things back together and she sped away before the smoke had cleared - probably happy just to be alive.

I can't remember how I explained the broken window to the boss when he returned - but I found out the next day that another employee had filled the parts cleaning tray with gasoline when he ran out of solvent. The excess gas had run down the oil fill tube into the crankcase and ignited when the gal hit the ignition switch.

Live and learn. (-:
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Had a guy come into my store one day asking advice on a jet boat he had just bought. Someone told him I worked on cars alot so I was the "go to guy". Told me the boat wouldnt start, 454 he claimed. Said he figured it was a timing problem. When I asked him why he thought it was timing he told me the engine just spit and sputtered when he cranked on it. Then he turned retarded....."Im certain its the timing. Its gotta be 360 out." Yep....360 degrees out of time. I told him it was unfixable.

 

I'm still laughing

 

About October/November '73, working the Ford garage parts counter. A pretty, young latino lady pulls in with her '71 Mercury Capri (remember those little gems??), complaining she can't get any heat out of the car. Service guy does the write-up & gives the R.O. to a tech who takes the car over to a service bay to check it out. Not a coupla minutes later, up comes the tech with a grin on his face. "Where," he asks "did this car come from?"
"Home" says the lady.
"And, where is "home"'?
"Puerto Rico, just had it shipped up from there."
"Missy, did the heater work before you brought it to Michigan?"
She replies "No, never had to use it before."
"Not surprising" says the tech. "It doesn't have one."

 

One day I was at work when I was an apprentice.We had gas pumps so I worked Saturdays pumping gas and doing minor repairs. A nice looking young thing comes in with a Mustang 11 that was stalling. After cleaning out the airbleeds and idle ports it ran just fine....She rubs herself up against me,looks at me with a sly smile and asks me how I would like her to pay for the repair. I looked her straight in the eyes and said cash.....Foolish foolish boy.....

 

And also another day while at work we were having furnace problems so a guy named Dick was looking after it. A T-Bird pulls up to the pumps and I go out to see what she wanted. "I don,t want gas" she said..."I want Dick!" It was all I could do to keep a straight face....

 

http://my.is/forums/f87/crashed-my-baby-147582/

We had a lady come in for an alignment, and they sold her a new idler arm.
She came back the next day with a complaint. Yep, she didn't like the way the car idled now...


BTW, I used to work for a repair manual company. Had a "mechanic" call in complaining that our books didn't tell him where the driveshaft was on a 2 wheel drive Dodge truck. You can't fix stupid...

Oh, and the first guy I ever met that had ASE certification had to have us lowly grease monkeys show him how to install a set of points in a Ford V8....

 

here's one for you...

we used to do a lot of work in the driveway on our cars, when we were teenagers, in my haste to drop the car off the ramps and take it for a ride after working on it, I had a bad habit of running over the drop light, smashing the bulb. We'd straighten the light out, put a new bulb in, and I'd run over it again next time, a few days later.

so my brother in law, who was 7 years older than me, was busting my chops laughing at me about it, and I said "no problem, I'll just go up to auto parts store, and buy more bulbs"

he said jokingly and while laughing "yeh, go ahead, then bring them back and just smash them off the f-ing wall and be done with it, because you'll only run over the f-ing things again anyway"

(laughter...)

 

Years ago a friend and I went to have his Packard roadster judged at a CCCA meet. All day during the show and judging another member and self proclaimed expert on the year kept insisting how wrong the car was, especially the pinstripes. The stripes are to be 2 lines top and bottom of the beltline, not just 1 as the antagonist was stating. Later in the evening we were on our way to the awards banquet, a semi-formal affair, and while walking by the bookstore in the host hotel I got an inspiration. My friend had a recent copy of the club newsletter in the room so we sent his son back to get it as I purchased the latest issue of Playboy. There was a full page picture of Morganna (you may recall her... overly endowed is an understatement!). We cut the page out and and placed it in page 12 of the newsletter. Again we had his son do our dirty work. We had him tell the guy to look on pg 12 and tell us if he sees 1 or 2. The funny payback of it was that he was sitting between the exec director (woman), and the club president's wife during dinner. We watched as he slowly worked through the book and even had the director look at some things in it. When he got to pg 12 he couldn't close it fast enough and his face was a red as our car. Got him. These sometimes "stuffy" events don't always have to be that way.

 

Just like the guy I knew who swore he had a Pontiac "Jazoo". It was a J2000, and the font on the emblems they used back then were 'stylish' so I guess it's a Pontiac thing.

 

The parts store I used to work at{B&B auto parts} was next door to a tavern. I had the same thing happen a couple of times. Imagine that.

 

Several years back I was helping a buddy do a clutch in his kids Falcon. We go to the local Checkers, get up to the counter, lay the parts down, ask the clerk for a disk, pressure plate and T/O bearing. He flips open his parts book, finds the right page, and ask if it is a stick or an automatic.

 

""Just like the guy I knew who swore he had a Pontiac "Jazoo". It was a J2000, and the font on the emblems they used back then were 'stylish' so I guess it's a Pontiac thing.""

Jazoo? isn't that the little space man guy from the Flintstones?

 

Many years ago my girl friend (now ex-wife) came over to my parent's home to have me change her oil. It was April 1 st. While I was under her car finishing up, she got 5 or 6 cup cakes out and set them on work bench. My dad had a huge sweet tooth and started in on the cup cakes. On the second cup cake my dad got one that was stuffed with cotton. I was just standing up when I heard him say "what the hell" and see cotton hanging from his mouth. It was priceless. The cup cakes were meant for me, making it all the better. Gary

 

i don't have any comment whatsoever on that one. sounds like he and his buddy should stay at beach and play with the sand there.

 

Yeah that's good.Like my neighbor with a 76 Eldorado who had snows on the rear of her FWD Caddy. Never pointed it out to her,thought husband would know better

 

This one deals more with car design than a dumbass move, guys.

A guy I worked with in the factories in the early '70s had had a Lowey-bodied Studebaker with the passenger-compartment vents on left-right side fenders, RATHER than up on the cowel like other cars of the '50s.

NO PROBLEM! . . . UNTIL he hit a skunk going home one night. With the WHOLE interior "skunked," there was no effective way to get the smell out, so he said he finally just got rid of the car!

 

---Carz---


Is YOUR car on the list? What about the car of your dreams?


What Your Car Says About You?

Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a
'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I
pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no
convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse -I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 -I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per
year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944 - I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Man who run behind car get exhausted."

 

Used to have a Friend that lived in Louisiana that rtold me he was going to rebuild the struts on a Rabbit for his wife. I was going to be passing through his town and told him wait until I got there and I'd give him a hand.

I rolled up just in time to hear this horrendous bang come from the garage. I ran out there and found him sitting on the floor with a shocked look on his face and the spring was stuck through the sheet rock about 7 feet above the floor.

He had a spring compressor and when I asked him about it he said the guy at the part store told him that was for putting the spring back on.

Guess it was true he sure didn't need it to get the spring off.

 

Pete, these are TOO funny. Wonder what this school of thought says about owners of '55 DeSoto 4-D-Sedans! lol

(Gimme a break. In march 1970, a @DH was pretty darn hard to come by!)

 

I meant 2-door-hardtop. Sheesh, fat fingers on the ol'keyboard -- again!

 

i have this really ditzy ( but hot as all get out) customer who once said to me and i quote, " i wish it would rain soon so my windshield washers will fill back up." i shit you not.