So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

...with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender says, "Sir, I see you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants."

The Irishman replies, "Eye, laddy, it's drivin' me nuts."


Ba-dum-bumm...

JOE

 

Ya know, the Irish gave the Scots the idea for the bagpipes...

And they still haven't gotten the JOKE!!

 

Then there was the guy who set out across Alaska and broke down in the middle of nowhere, in a blizzard. He did manage to get through on his celphone,and
later, when the tow truck got there,
the mechanic took a look and said, "Sir, it looks like you've blown a seal."

The guy replied, "No I didn't... It's just frost on my moustache, I swear!"




Thank you, don't forget to tip your SERVER...

JOE

 

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says."Can I help you?". The duck says"Yes, get this guy off my ass!"

 

Ducks?

These three ducks get arrested...
They go to court and the judge calls the first duck.

The judge says to the first duck, "State your name and your crime."

"My name's Quack", the duck says, "and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."

"Well, that isn't so bad.", says the judge, laughing a bit, "Just pay a $10 fine and go on home."

Then the judge says to the second duck, "State your name and your crime."

"My name's Quack-Quack", the duck says, "and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond, too."

"Well, that isn't so bad.", says the judge, "Just pay a $10 fine and go on home."

Then the judge says to the third duck, "Don't tell me... Your name is Quack-Quack-Quack... Right?"

The duck says, "No your honor, it's Bubbles."


JOE

 

Easy with the Scot jokes - my name's McDaniel...

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high.


I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: I'll give you some cream to put on it.

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's the Tom Jones syndrome." ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual".

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"; "Well" says the vet, let's have a look at him; So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat git!"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places; The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

Mickey Mouse took Minnie Mouse to court for a divorce.The judge looked at the documents and said to Mickey ,I see you want to divorce her on the grounds off her insanity.No your honor,said Mickey I never said she was insane ,I said she was fucking Goofy!

 

A guy walks into a bar...


It left a nasty bruise on his face.

 

didja hear christopher reeves killed himself?

he got tired of being pushed around.





what's the opposite of christopher reeves?

christopher walken.





i've got some rude ones if ya really want them, no sex stuff, just good old offensive jokes.

tred.

 

Johnny : My dogs ass got run over.
Teacher : You should say rectum.
Johnny : Rectum, FUCK, it kill't him !!!!

 

guy walks into a bar with an octopus, says to the bartender... "i'll bet 50 bucks this octopus can play any instrument you got". bartender points to a piano in the corner. octopus sits down and plays a tune. bartender points to some bagpipes. octopus picks them up and fumbles around with them for a while. guy asks the octopus... "well, aren't you gonna play it?". octopus replies... "play it? hell, if i can get these pajamas off it, i'm gonna fuck it!".

 

3 Pregnant chics in line at the Supermarket, a Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde. The brunette looks at the others and smiles, says "Mines a boy!" Blonde asks how she knows? "He was on top" said the Brunette.

The Redhead says, "Mines a girl!", again, the Blonde asks how she knows? "I was on top." said the redhead.

About that time, the blonde starts to cry and the other two ask her why? "I'm having PUPPIES." she sobs!

 

I'm sorry if some take this wrong but here we go...what do ya call a woman w/ two black eyes?..NOTHIN, ya told her twice!
What do ya call a woman with one black eye?.. A quick learner

Why do blondes like tilt steering?...MORE HEAD ROOM! *says that as if a mid 80's hair band lead singer* (Rock on val John)

I got a good one bout feminist and why they cross the street but it's REALLY messed up....

 

theres a man and a woman in an elevator the man asks" can i smell your pussy?"
she replines "no you can not"

man-"well it must be your feet then"

 

johnnyb327, you should be ashamed. by the way, what do you do when your wife is stumbling around in the back yard?
shoot her again.

 

A guy goes to a high dollar stables to buy a race horse.

The stable boy leads the horse out and the man begins to look it over.

He checks it's posture, he checks it's teeth... all the usual things...

Than he asks, "Can I see her twat?"

The stable boy was shocked, but didn't want to blow the sale, so he complied, and lifted the horses tail.

To which the man replied, "No, no, I want to see her twat awound the TWACK..."


JOE

 

What do you call a smart blonde ???

GOLDEN RETRIEVER

 

Found out here in Alaska that they are taking the dimmer switches out of the steering column and mounting them back on the floor cause there have been too many night accidents caused by blonds getting their feet caught in the steering wheel.

 

[ QUOTE ]
johnnyb327, you should be ashamed. by the way, what do you do when your wife is stumbling around in the back yard?
shoot her again.

[/ QUOTE ]

HAHAHAHAHA

Any man can hit a woman but it takes a real man to knock her lights out!

 

JohnyB327 and "chub chub", don't you know funnny from fucked up? The ladies can be a pain in the ass sometimes...(like guys aren't pricks once in awhile) but shooting'em (TWICE?) or "punching their lights out" not only ain't an option, it's not FUNNY (you dumb fucks!)
Stick to Irishmen ...or rabbis.
And "Chub".... stop putting those frogs on the railroad tracks. JEEZUZ!

 

Come on guys if there are any Irish lookin at this , hold on thats me.. ..

 

The 'Ultimate Waste of Space'.

A bus load of Lawyers, going over a cliff, with two empty seats.

 

Two Irish men walk out of a pub. Hey, it could happen.

 

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb.

2, one to put the kettle on, and one to suck my dick while I do it.

 

So, this guy goes to the doctor for a check up. The doc comes out and says, I got some good new and some bad news! The guy says gimme the bad news first Doc. The Doc says well, ya got 24 hours to live. The guy says oh my god Doc, whats the good news. Doc says, did ya see that goood lookin blonde nurse in the office here? The guy says YES! Well the Doc says, I'm fuckin her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks for a good morning laugh guys.

 

whats the 1st thing a woman does after getting home from the battered womans shelter???? the fuckin dishes if she knows whats good for her.....

 

two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.

 

So there are these 3 traveling salesmen traveling together, they've had a tough day of selling and they are tired and need to find a room.

They walk into the nearest hotel and ask the cleark for 3 rooms.

The clerk says he only has one room, but it has a king size bed.

They are really tired and they know each other well, so they say OK and go upstairs.

They all sleep in the bed and the next morning they wake up. The first salesman says "I slept like a baby except I had the feeling that somebody was 'playing' with me"

The second salesmen said " me too!

The guy that had to sleep in the middle says "that's funny, I just dreamt I was skiing"

 

a horse walks into a bar... the bartender says "Why the long face?"