So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

Here's another one for the kids...What's a sad baby cow say? Moo-hoo!

From about 3 years old until 9 or so, any time my son was grumpy and complaining, I'd say he was bawling like a little baby cow. Then I'd launch into saying "Moo-hoo!" and long, drawn out mooing. So obnoxious, he'd start to laugh. Nothing funnier than a grumpy, mad little kid fighting a smile.

-Brad

 

Irishman walks in the with a cat and an ostrich......barman says whats with the cat n ostrich paddy says met a bloke outside who ask what i really would you like before you die, Paddy told him "A long legged bird with a tight pussy".....

 

Did you know it was the Irish that invented the premature ejaculation?
----so they could get back to drinking!

A termite walks into a bar and asks is the bar tender here?

What's brown and sticky?




A stick!



A hot and bothered MILF to the grocery sacker she's got helping her out w/ her cart: "You know, I've got an itchy pussy."

Supermarket employee: "Lady, you're going to have to point it out. All those Japanese cars look alike to me."


If you're easily offended, don't read the next "joke" :

What do you get when you put a puppy in a blender?

A hard on!

(Would it be funnier if it was "What does Michael Vick get.....?")

I could go on all day,

Joe

 

what this guy said!

 

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey why the long face."

A polar bears walks into a bar and say "can I have a...................beer?" The bartender says "hey why the big pause (paws)?

CHAZ

 

My two favorite image jokes!

 

What is difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk!

 

How do you catch a polar bear?
First, you cut a hole in the ice, then you sprinkle a bunch of green peas around the edge of the hole.
Then you wait.
Then when the polar bear comes out on the ice to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

How in hell is that woman still smiling????

 

havent you noticed that the "brain dead" are almost always happy?

 

Sure some folks will be offended with this but I am half Irish and I think its diamond:7 Englishmen and an Irishman in a rape line-up,the victim walks in and Paddy immediately jumps up and shouts "thats her the miserable c#@t!"

 

"How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a Lightbulb????

"Wanna ride bikes"??????

 

A Blonde bought economy tickets on an airline for Las Vegas and immediately moved into a "First Class seat" when the stewardess approached her and said... " Sorry Miss... you bought economy tickets you can't sit in "First Class"...!

The blonde said... "I'm Blonde... I'm beautiful... and I'm going first class to Vegas!

After several attempts to reason with her to no avail... the stewardess went to the cockpit and told the crew of her dilemma and the pilot said that his wife was blonde and that he would handle it.

So the pilot went to the woman and whispered in her ear and then the woman stood up and promptly went to her assigned seat...!

When the pilot came back to the cockpit... the stewardess said... " I spent 15 minutes trying to get her to move and nothing happened... What did you say to her that made her move so quickly...?"

The pilot said that he told her that "First Class doesn't go to Vegas"...!!!

 

A mexican getting his green card had to construct a sentence using 3 words Green pink and yellow before he could get his card. So he answered I was sitting at home chilling when the phone rang Green Green so I Pinked up the phone and said Yellow.

 

A French man was having an affair with an Italian woman and he wanted to break the relationship off because his wife was suspecting the affair.

But as he was telling her that it should end... the Italian woman told him that she was pregnant...!

So the Frenchman told her to move back to Italy and set up a "Code word" "Spaghetti"... to let him know when she had the child and that he could send her money to raise the child.

Several months later... The Italian woman sent a telegram that read...

Spaghetti... Spaghetti... Spaghetti... 2 with meatballs... 1 without... send money now...!

 

It was October. and the Native Americans on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

johnny was sitting on a park bench eating a big bag of candy. and a man walks up and says

"you know, thats not good for you, little johnny"

johnny-"well my grandfather lived to be 96 years old"

man- "he didnt eat a whole bag of candy a day, now did he?"

johnny- "no...he minded his own fucking business"


hahahahaha
i thought it was funny.

 

Did ya' hear about the Irishman that walked outta the bar? Well, it coulda happened...........

 

my daughter's favorite joke from when she was about 12 years old (many years ago):

three men walked into a bar...









the fourth man ducked.

 

she's not smiling; that's a grimace.

 

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

 

Blind golfers

A regular foursome sits down at the bar after their round of golf. the bartender has already started pouring their drinks…
Bartender: Hey guys, how was your round of golf today?
Player #1: It was awful — it took 3 times longer than normal. There was this group in front of us that was slower than molasses and they never offered to let us play through
Bartender: Was it that group over there in the corner?
(they all nod)
Player #1: How the hell do they have the nerve to show their faces here? Arrogant SOBs.
Bartender: Well you see guys, they are all blind. They put a noisemaker on the hole and do it all by sound.
Player #1: Oh my God, that is the most inspiring thing I have heard all week — put their next round of drinks on my tab.
Player #2: WOW is all I can say — tell them their dinner is on me.
Player #3: Man o’ man, I think that is amazing and want to encourage it — tell them the next time they play is on me.
Player #4: Fuck ‘em. Let them play at night.

 

There was a short line. Just one lady was in front of
me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo
yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The
teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The
Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Yeah, it's really funny in Japan......


Dave

 

so jesus and moses are fishing and jesus says to moses"rember when you parted the red sea?"moses replys "yeah and i can still do it" and procedes to part the lake. moses then turns to jesus and says rember when you walked on water ?" jesus replys "yeah and i can still do it " so jesus steps off the side of the boat and sinks to the bottom of the lake. moses parts the lake and gets jesus back in the boat and asks "what happend?" jesus replys "i dont know?" moses says "ohhh have you tryed that since you got those holes in your feet ?"

 

In my best Gomer Pyle....."You're goin straight to hell fer that one"

 

two guys in a bar talking about the old days. one asks the other how far can you remember back? he says i can remember when i was 4 years old, how about you? well i can remember going to the dance with my father and coming home with my mother!!!

 

Sally comes home from school one day, and her mom asks how her day was.
"Well, Frank Bishop showed me his willie under the bleechers during gym class!"
Her mom was stunned speachless...
"It reminded me of a peanut," Sally said.
Her mom, regaining her composure, smiled knowingly and said "Because it was so small?"
"No...salty."

-Brad

 

2 cowboys working on a ranch in Montana. 1 is from Montana and the other from California. It's been very wet and rainy and the cowboys are out pulling sheep that are mired in the mud when they run across a sheep with her head stuck in a fence. The Montana cowboy walks up, drops his pants and has his way with the sheep. When finished he turns to the Californian and say's " Okay! You're next!" So................... the Californian drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please." <O"What for?" asks the lawyer. <OThe deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign. Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop," replies the deputy. "License and registration, please." <OThe lawyer says, "What's the difference?"<O "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says. Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." <O</O"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy replies. <OAt this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says,<O"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"<O

 

Bubba and Junior get pulled over for speeding. When the Sherrif asks Bubba for his license Bubba decides to give the sherrif "what for". After listening to a barrage of insults from Bubba the sherrif tells Bubba he had better shut up or he will knock his teeth in. Bubba just cant bring himself to stop so the Sherrif punches him in the face. Bubba then shuts his mouth gives the sherrif his license and accepts his citation. Before the sherrif turns them loose he walks over to the other side of the truck and punches junior in the face.
Junior askes the sherrif "what the hell was that for, i didnt do anything?".
The sherrif responds "I was just granting your wish"
Junior says "what the hell are you talking about?"
The sherriff says "Just a soon as I was out of sight you would have told Bubba, I wish he would have pulled that crap on me"!