So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

2 penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin looks at the other, points, and laughs "HA! It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo!"

The other penguin says "Who says I'm not?"

 

A farmer notices his best horse is too depressed to work, and has been for some time. He goes to the local bar an announces he will give $100 to anyone who can cheer his horse up.

A stranger at the bar took his challenge and they went to the farm. Two minutes later, the stranger walked out leading a laughing horse. The farmer thanked him and paid him.

A week later the horse is still laughing and still not working. The farmer goes to the bar and finds the stranger.

The farmer tells him "I'll give you another $100 if you can get him to stop, he won't work!"

They go back to the farm, the stranger goes into the barn and walks out a minute later with a stunned silent horse.

The farmer says "I'll give you the $100 I owe you, but you have to tell me how you did this!"

"Easy" Replied the stranger "First I told him my dick was bigger than his, and then I showed him"

 

This chick goes to a parts dealer to get a new hinge for the door of her HOT ROD.

The parts guy goes through the rack, finds the part and looks inside the box.

He notices that one of the four fasteners is missing,
and says,"You want a screw for this hinge?"

To which she replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a new set of tires."

JOE

 

A sandwich walks into a bar...the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

 

Do you know how many Irish jokes there are?
(wait for answer)
Nope.
(wait for a second answer)
Nope.

Only 3 or 4. The rest are all true!!!

 

Why can't a bike stand on it's own...?

















Because it's 2 tired...

 

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender
" I'd like...........a shot of tequila



bartender sez: "Hey, why the big paws?"

 

Okay... my all time favorite...

Newt Witherspoon, the famous Big Game hunter, was sitting around a bar, getting drunk and bragging about how great he was in the Wilderness.

"I bet a round of drinks that, BLINDFOLDED, I can feel the hide of any animal and not ONLY tell you what animial it's from, but the weapon that killed it."

So, bets were laid, the blindfold was tied tight and the first hide was laid before Newt. He rubbed it, he stroked it, gave it a sniff...he felt for the bullet hole...

"Bobcat... killed with a Remington .22" he said.

Sure enough... so they drank and the next challenge was put in front of him. He rubbed it, he felt for the bullet hole, he flipped it... gave it a little sniff...

"Wolf... killed with a Winchester 30-30", he said.

Sure enough... so they drank and the next challenge was put in front of him. He rubbed it, he flipped it, he felt for the bullet hole... gave it a little sniff...

"Elk... killed with a Weatherby .300 mag", was his guess.

Sure enough... and it went on...
finally, Newt staggered home and went to bed.

The next morning, he woke to find his face was beat to shit.
Black eyes, fat lips... beat.

"Honey!" he said, "I don't remember getting in a fight at the bar. What happened to me?"

She said, "Well, you came home drunk, as usual, but when you climbed into bed, you crammed your hand down my pants, gave it a little sniff and "Skunk... killed with an ax."


JOE

 

how does a girl know if a guy has a good sperm count?

she has to chew before she swallows

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
He noticed that there was a large brandi glass behind
the bar full of money. The guy asked the bartender what
was with the glass, bartender replies that it is for
the on going bet in the bar. The guy asked what was
it, bartender replied that as soon as he put in the
100 bucks for the bet he would let him know.
The guy thought that wasn't worth not know what he would be
getting himself into. The guy continued to drink until
he was very well intoxicated. He yelled to the bartender,
I am ready for this bet. Bartender walks over and
collects the 100 dollars from the man and said,
the first challenge is to go knock out the biggest bouncer
in here, then go in the back room and pull a single
tooth from my rabid pitbull, and lastley go satisfy a
90 year old virgin upsatairs. The guy looks
at the bartender downs his drink and heads over to the bouncer.
As the guy is walking over to the bouncer he
grabs a metal stool and wails the bouncer across the face with it.
The bounce falls down and out. Man walks back to the bar and
orders a few more shots, he said he just not ready to face a
rabid pit bull. After his shots he walks back to
the room with the dog in it. Once inside you hear the dog
barking and growling at the man. After a little while the dog
starts the yelp and whine. A few moments later the
guy walks out of the backroom zipping up his jeans and said,
now where is this old women that needs a tooth pulled..

Jonney

 

The last one reminded me of THIS one...

Big Dan, the logger, while getting drunk in a bar, bragged that, BLINDFOLDED, he could smell any piece of wood and tell you the kind and size of it.

So, the first piece was laid in front of him, he smelled it... end to end.

"It's a Pine 2x4 about 6 feet long."

He was right, but there were still some that thought it was luck, so another piece was put in front of him.

He sniffed it, and said, "Easy... It's Oak and it's a 5 foot 2x6.

Again, he nailed it.

After more successful showings, the bar owner told his wife to take off her dress and climb on the table.

Dan smelled and sniffed...
Puzzled, he asked,"Can you please flip it?"
He sniffed and smelled, and said,
"I'm not sure on this one, but I think it's the shithouse door from a tuna boat."


JOE

 

Hey!
How ya doin', hoy ya doin' out there.....
Not to say it is cold out there, but I just saw a fire hydrant offereing dogs money to get urinated upon!
Hey!
really folks..It is good to be here. You know, two guys walk into a bar....
Kinda stupid really, the second guy should have seen the first guy walk into it!
Hey! Don't forget to tip the staff, I'll be here all week......

 

Two sausages in a frying pan, one says "Its getting hot in here.", the other says, "AHHHHH, a talking sausage!!!"

 

How are a woman and a screen door alike?

The harder you slam'em, the looser they get!!

 

Two Guys was talking in a bar about what was their most painful experience.

The first guy brought up the time he drilled through his finger with a drill.
The Second guy said hell that is nothing I can tell you about a painful experience.
"I was out hunting one winter day and I needed to take a shit so I found a place that looked good up against a tree and started to pinch a loaf and the turd fell smack in the middle of a wolf trap which immediately snapped shut on my balls."
"Damn I can see where that would be the most painful experience" said the first guy.
"Hell that was nothing."said the second guy. " What really hurt was when I hit the end of the chain."

 

His Holiness the Pope is heading to the US for a tour. He gets off his plane, waits for his luggage and heads for the airport exit to meet up with his driver.
There's a small guy with a moustache near the door holding up a board that says 'His Holiness'. The Pope realises that this is his ride. As the pair of them are walking towards the limo, the Pope says...
"Hey, how 'bout letting me drive?"
The driver says "Your Holiness, no disrepect, but I can't do that. I could lose my job"
"Ah c'mon" says the Pope "They never let me drive anywhere in the Vatican City. Nobody will know, let me drive, will ya?"
The driver responds "Please, your Eminence, don't put me in an awkward position"
"Here, give me the keys" says John-Paul II, "Please?"
"Ah...okay...but please drive carefully, I really can't afford to lose my job"
His Holiness exits the airport car park carefully and reaches he freeway without a hitch. The driver is sat in the back seat, biting his finger-nails with nerves. He can barely look.
As soon as they are on the freeway, the Pope floors it. The motor roars and they are soon speeding. The driver starts panicing.
"Er, your holiness? Don't you think you're going a little fast? Can we slow down a little, sir?
The Pope isn't listening, he's having too much fun weaving in and out of all the traffic. He proves himself to be a natural behind the wheel and soon sees that he's doing over 105mph. The driver is now on his knees, half sobbing - half praying.
Just then, he sees a flashing blue light and the car slows down and pulls over. The driver is now resigned to losing his job but doesn't care because at least he'll get out of the car alive.
The cop gets out of his car and walks toward the limo, the Pope drops his window and the cop looks in. The driver is now crying like a baby in the back. The cop says nothing, walks back to his squad car and radio's in.
"Hey chief, I gotta problem"
"What's that?" says the chief
"I've pulled over someone real 'big' for speeding and I'm unsure what to do with them"
"Whaddya mean, 'big'? The mayor?"
"Nope. Bigger"
"A senator?"
"Bigger again"
"The Pres?"
"Even bigger"
"Bigger than the Pres? Damn, who ya got there?"
"I think it's God"
"God??? What on earth makes you say that?"
"He's got the Pope for a chauffeur"



(Artiki would like to apologise to anybody that is offended by the religious nature of this joke )

 

[ QUOTE ]
how does a girl know if a guy has a good sperm count?

she has to chew before she swallows

[/ QUOTE ]

*barf*

 

Q: how are women like dog turds?

A: the older they are, the easier it is to pick them up!

 

Why do women have little feet?

Its a genetic thing.. from standing in front of the sink.

 

Reaching 50 I decided it was about time I had a prostate exam.The Doctor informed me that there was a $25 service charge for the exam.Most men get upset at this,I just replied "I wouldn't stick my finger up your ass for $25".
The poor guy couldn'tbreath he was laughing so hard.
He never did charge me for the exam.

 

Q: Why are men like dogs?
A: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it.

Q: Why do men have such a hard time looking women in the eye?
A: Cuz tits have nipples, not eyeballs.

Q: Why are women like tile flooring?
A: Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

Have you heard they found a cure for the female sex drive?
Wedding cake.

Premature ejaculation--there's a concept created by a woman. I'm on time EVERY time! It's not my fault she can't keep up.

And one for the ladies;
Q: Why don't single women fart?
A: Because they don't get an asshole until they get married.

 

What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with CHEESE!

 

How is a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken alike? You munch on a breast you munch on a leg then you throw a bone into a greasy old box!

 

An airplane crashes on the U.S. Canada border.
The pilot is Canadian, the passengers are U.S.
Where do they bury the survivors??

Billy

 

why would you bury the SURVIVORS??? thats just SICK!!

 

A girl offers her honor
the guy honors her offer
and it honor and offer all nite long.

 

Why does a woman have 2 more brain cells than a cow???



So she doesn't shit on the floor when you squeeze her tits.....

 

why do women wear white on their wedding day?
so the dishwasher matches the refrigerator and the stove.

 

why don't women need drivers licenses ?
there isn't a road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

 

DAAAAAAMN!!! the new kid is BRUTAL with the woman jokes ....