So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

A pair or jumper cables walks into a bar, the bartender says I will serve you, but dont start anything.

 

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says I am looking for the man who shot my Pa.

 

what do a pile of bricks and a fat chick have in common?
Sooner or later they are going to get laid by a mexican.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says.... "does this taste funny to you"?

 

Two guys go camping together for a week. After a couple days they get sick of each other.

On the third day they decide to each go their own way, and meet up again back at the campfire at sundown.

Than night at sundown the two met back at the campfire. The first man told the second man "I've had the most beautiful day I've ever had in my life."

"I walked North from the campsite, up the most beautiful green trail I've ever seen. I found a beautiful lake where I saw hundreds of fish and the water was crystal clear. There were waterfalls, the sky was blue, I even took a nap under a shady tree, and when I woke up, there were animals all around me. I fed a deer part of my sandwich, and it ate right out of my hand. It was beautiful. How'd your day go?"

The second man replied "Oh, you're not going to believe this but my day was even better."

"I went South out of camp, down that trail over there. Pretty soon I came to some railroad tracks so I followed them. I was rounding the bend and there I saw, tied to the tracks, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life."

"I untied her, and we went into the woods where I made beautiful love to her, over and over, all day long."

The first man asked him "Yeah, did you get a blowjob?"

The second man replied "No, I couldn't find her head."

 

Single guy to his buddy at the bar:
"So anyways, you know how some guys name their wang?"
Buddy: "yeah, that's pretty goofy, why you mention it?"
Guy: "well I was thinking I'd start calling mine 'Sorry'."
Buddy: "okayyy... why?"
Guy: "So that next time I meet a girl maybe I can get her to feel sorry for me... "

 

Same guy later to a girl at the bar:
"You know how they say to never judge a book by it's cover?"
Girl: "Sure"
Guy: "Well I was wondering if I could open you up and browse a while."

Buddy: "looks like you're going to be feeling sorry for yourself tonight!"


The sad part on this one is when I thought it up it took someone else to point out to me that could be taken ... well, the wrong way. A few too many beers that night...

 

Two hillbillys are flying home from a redneck convention when there is a loud noise from the plane---the pilot announces: Sorry folks, we just lost an engine but don't worry this is a 3 engine plane and we will be just fine---however, we will be 2 hours late for arrival.

They have another beer and are going along when boom, another loud noise from the plan---the pilot announces, sorry folks, we just lost another engine, but do not worry, we will be fine---however we will be another 3 hours late for arrival.

One hillbilly turns to the other and says "damn, I hope that other engine don't quit-we will be up here all damn nite"........

 

HAha! How far will they get on one engine? All the way to the scene of the crash!

Reminded me of this one...
The pilot anounces over the loud speaker, "This is your captain speaking, we will be traveling at 10,000 feet, at 400 mph we should be arriving at our destination right on time." He forgets to take his finger off the microphone and says to the co-pilot, and everyone else.. "Boy I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob" A stewardess runs towards the cockpit to tell the captain the mic is on.
Then a guy shouts out. "Don't forget the coffee.."

 

It's been a really rough flight--turbulence you only read about, lights flickering on and off, thunderstorm outside, lightning crackling all around the plane...

Most of the passengers are sure This Is It...the ones who aren't getting airsick are getting drunk. After a particularly violent bump and an abrupt drop in elevation, they're about to the breaking point, and are more convinced than ever that they're going to crash. Right after the last big bump, one of the women passengers decides that if she's going to die, she's might as well do it in the arms of a man--and she'd always fantasized about having a one-night stand with a complete stranger. She unbuckles her seatbelt, jumps up into the isle, rips open her blouse and yells "Are there any real men onboard who can treat me like a woman?!"

Two rows back, a man says "I'll treat you like a woman!" He gets up, takes off his clothes, throws them at her and says "Do my laundry!"



On a related note:
Why does the bride always wear white?
So she matches the rest of her husband's new appliances.\

-Brad

 

Why did GOD create man first ..... He didn't want any advice on how to do it !

 

A guy tells his buddy "I think my wife might be dead." The buddy says "what do you mean you THINK she might be dead?" He says, "well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up!"

Why do women have such small feet? Genetic adaptation to allow them to stand closer to the sink.

CHAZ

 

My Girl friend ran off with a tractor salesman...... I keep gettin those damn John Deere letters

 

Why does Michael Jackson like Thirty Eight year olds....?

Because there are Thirty of them...!!!!

 

Man this thread is as funny as a one legged cat trying to bury a turd on a froze over lake.............LOL

 

What is the differance between a refrigerator and a queer?




A refrigerator does not fart when you pull out the meat.

 

Forgive me...

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they pass a childrens playground. The priest looks at the kids, looks at the rabbi and says, "Hey, what do you say, let's go fuck one of them kids".

The rabbi says, "Out of what?"

 

how does a blonde turn on the light after sex?


she opens the car door

 

He must either be married to a girl with a REALLY GOOD sense of humor...or very very single.

 

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet,

So when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

 

Why does a dog lick himself?

Because he can't make a fist.

 

lmao

 

The difference between a circus with a smart midget, and a hooker with VD: one of 'em has a cunning runt...

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside down? Two brunettes and a redhead.

Why does the bride smile at the wedding? She's given her last blowjob.

How do you make a woman come? Who cares!

What do battered women all have in common? They won't fucking listen!

Gotta' go... hear my wife driving up.

-bill

 

Two rodders are out in the Nevada desert following up a lead on some choice abandoned tin....Zeke stops and says man I have to take a piss. Just when he is mid stream a diamond back rattler bites him right on the wang.Holy fuck man what are we gonna do???? No sweat says Frankie....I,ll just call the doc on my cell and he will know what to do. Doc gets on the line and says Frankie......you,re gonna have to suck the poison out to keep Zeke alive! Okay says Frankie and hangs up."What did the doc say?" asks Zeke. You,re gonna die says Frankie...... True story, happened to a friend of my cousins uncles friends brothers buddy.....

 

heard this joke toomany years ago as a kid only it was an Indian who was trying to act as a Whiteman!

 

A young indian brave goes into a whorehouse to get laid for the first time. The madam sends him away to practice on an 'ol knothole in a tree. A month later the indian comes back and says he's ready. The madam sends him upstairs with one of the girls. Moments later she hears screaming coming from the room. The madam bursts in to see the indian poking at the girl with a broomstick. "What the hell are you doing?" says the madam. "Me checkum for bees" says the indian..

 

So there was this raging forest fire and the fire boss comes around the side of a hill and there is this firefighter mounted up on another firefighter with their pants around their ankles, going to it.

The fire boss hollered what the hell do you think youre doing? And the firefighter on top said "Sir, this man is suffering from smoke inhalation"!

The fire boss says "well, you are supposed to give him mouth to mouth rescusitation" and the firefighter said "I did sir, thats what got us started"....

 

Mum says to young daughter do you want a Barbie n Ken for xmas ,girl says no want Barbie n Action man ??, mum says strange Barbie always comes with Ken ,little girl replys No Barbie fakes it with Ken but comes with Action man....

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me! buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

Guy walks into a bar...sees a good looking girl at the bar and sits down next to her.
He says "Can i buy you a drink?"
Loudly she says "You want to go to a hotel and do WHAT?"
Everybody in the bar is looking at him like he is a real sleaze so he slinks off to the other end of the bar to lick his wounds.
A few minutes later the gal comes down and says "Sorry, I'm a Psych student and I'm studying peoples reactions under pressure."
The guy leaps off his bar stool an says REAL LOUD..
" FIFTY DOLLARS??"