So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

Guy walks into a bar..sees a good looking girl at the bar. Tells the bartender, "I want to buy that girl a drink." No you don't he says, she's a lesbian. That's okay the guy says, I don't care, get her a drink any ways. So after the lesbian gets the drink, he slides over next to her to make his move and says "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

 

A jewish kid asks his father for a hundred dollars..
Father says.. "A hundred dollars, what do you need ninety dollars for,
eighty dollars is a lot of money"

 

Foreigner walks into a bar. Sits down at the bar and notices a good looking girl at the end of the bar. Says to the bartender "I'd like to buy that girl a drink". The bartender says "no you don't" and walks away.

A little while later the foreigner says to the bartender again "I'd really like to buy that girl a drink." The bartender again replies "No, you really don't".

The foreigner asks the bartender to send her a drink a third time. The bartender replies "She's a lesbian, you don't want to buy her a drink." The foreigner asks "What's a lesbian?"

Bartender replies "See that other gal sitting next to her?"

Foreigner says "yes."

Bartender says "well, she likes to lick that girl's p***y"

Foreigner thinks for a while then declares "well then I must be a lesbian too!"

 

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?


When you lay a brick, it does'nt follow you around for three days.


A very atractive lady walks into a bar, orders a Bud, drinks it, and passes out cold at the bar. All the guys look at each other, and decide to take the girl into the back room and have their way with her. When they're done they put her back on the stool at the bar. She wakes up a little later, pays her tab and leaves.
Next day the same woman comes in, orders a Bud, passes out, and the guys have their way with her again, put her back in her stool. She wakes up and pays and leaves.
The third day the bar is packed with horney old drunks that heard about this,
ready for some action. Sure enough, the lady walks into the bar and sits at the same stool. The bartender asks her what she'll have, and she says " I'll have a Coors." The bartender asks" Don't you mean a Bud?" She says " No, I don't drink Bud anymore... it makes my pussy sore."

 

A father polar bear and his son were sitting by the frozen lake one cold evening…“Dad, are you sure I’m a polar bear?” he asked. “Son, I’m a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, your grandparents are polar bears, it’s safe to say that you are polar bear.” A few minutes go by and again the boy asks again…“Dad, are you SURE I’m a polar bear?” “Son, of course you are, your great grandparents were polar bears, our entire polar bear family has lived here in the beautiful artic for decades. Why do you keep asking me if you are a polar bear?”

“Because I’m freezing my fucking balls off out here!”

 

Guy comes home from work runs in the house jumps on the couch and says" Honey quick get me a beer before it starts!" ,she brings him a beer he downs it and says "honey please another before it starts" she complys again he downs it and says "one more please before it starts" she says "now wait just a minute mister Ive been cooking and cleaning all day" He interupts her "nevermind its started"

 

How do you get a redheaded, left handed midget nun pregnant?
F*** her!

A young indian boy asks the medicine man how he names the babies when they are born. He tells him he opens the teepee flap and whatever catches his eye is the babies name. He said like your brother running deer, that is what I saw, and your sister floating sparrow. Why do you ask two dogs humping?

A new man takes over as the purchasing agent for a government run indian reservation and immediately starts cutting corners to save money. He buys the cheapest everything he can find. One day he is asking the indians how they like the new supplies. "How do you like the new toilet paper I bought for you" he asks one man. "Oh you mean John Wayne toilet paper." Why do you call it that? Because its rough, its tough, and it don't take no shit off no indian!

So these two irishmen walk out of a bar, hey it could happen!

Why did God invent whiskey? To keep the irish from ruling the world.

I was politically incorrect my whole life. My kindergarten teacher told me to sit indian style so I passed out drunk on the curb.

A teenage girls asks her dad if she can borrow the car. He tells her she will have to perform oral sex on him for it. Halfway through she says dad you taste like crap. Dad says Oh yeah I forgot your brother has the car.

CHAZ

 

What's a jewish dilemma? Pork at half price.

 

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?




2

1 to hold the bulb, & 1 to drink until the room spins around.

 

Two elderly couples get together for dinner and some pinochle. After dinner the guys head into the den to chat while the ladies head for the kitchen to do dishes.

First fellow mentions he and his wife went out for dinner the night before, said "it was great food, wonderful service, low prices, a real treat".

Second fellow asks where they went to eat.

First guy scratches his head, but can't remember. Then says "wait a minute, whats the name of that red flower with a long stem"?

Second guy responds "a carnation?"

First guy, "no, the expensive one, with thorns".

Second guy "Oh, you mean a rose".

First guy replies, "Yup, that's it", then turns to kitchen and yells "Rose, what's the name of that place we ate at last night"?

 

Why do doctors slap newborn babies on the ass? To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.

 

Pinochle rules.

 

Two nuns sneak out for a night on the town.They are sneaking back in to the nunery and bent down crawing under a fence.Frist nun says to second nun "I feel like a Marine".Second nun says so do I. Where do you think we can find one at this hour?

 

Ms. Jones, the history teacher, stood in front of her class.

“I’m going to give you famous quotes from history. I want you to tell me who the quote is by and when it was given. Here we go. ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’”

*silence*

“Anyone?” asked Ms. Jones, shocked by the silence. From the back of the room, Midori (the Japanese exchange student) raised her hand, and with a very thick accent, says “John F. Kennedy, 1961.”

“Correct! Next one. 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.'"

Again, the only student to respond was Midori. “Martin Luther King, 1963.”

“Right again, Midori! Very good! As for the rest of you, you should all be ashamed of yourselves! She’s not even from this country and she knows its history better than you who were born here!”

Just then a voice from the back yelled, “Fuck the Japs!”

“Who said that!?” cried Ms. Jones.

“Harry S. Truman, 1945.”

 

Do you know the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A guy will actually look for a golf ball...

 

In the beginning God told man he could have sex for 20 years. When God got to the monkey he offered him 15 years , the monkey only wanted five. Man asked for the other 10 so he got them. Next came the donkey who also turned down 10 of his 15 years and man asked for that too, and God let him have it.
That's the reason man has 20 good years of sex, followed by 10 years of monkeying around, and then has 10 more to make an ass out of himself.

__________________________________________
Sure you can trust the govt.....just ask an Indian

 

A man went to see his sister that he has not seen in years to meet her new husband. After the two met the brother sat down with the sister just the two. The brother said, sister I cannot believe what you have done. The sister says, what do you mean? Look, the brother said, you used to be married to a lawyer and then a doctor and now a Hot Rodder what the hell. The sister said, sex is why the lawyer just wanted to sit and look at it and smell it! The doctor just wanted to examine it and touch it and that was it! Now the Hot Rodder tore it apart to repair it and after 2 years he is still working on it.

 

Why don't tampons speak to you?

Cause they're stuck up cunts!

 

A man goes t a farm and sees a 3-legged pig running around. He asks the farmer, "whats the deal with that 3-legged pig? Was he born that way? The farmer says "no, that pig lost his leg in a house fire. We were all asleep and the house caught fire. We were unconscious from smoke inhalation and this great, heroic pig broke down the door, broke his snout, ran through the the house squealing, woke me up, rooted my wife out of bed, and drug our little girl out of the house, through the flames. He saved my entire family! That pig is a HERO! The stranger said"did he loose his leg inthe fire?" The farmer responded, "oh no, a good pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once!"

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They
went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy
as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her
out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

 

My wife has this sea shell tatooed on the inner part of her upper thigh, and if you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean...

 

Two blondes went to get their picture taken. One kept fidgeting around and the other told her to set still, he's trying to focus to which she replied " both of us?"

 

LMAO!!!!

 

it's little johnny's first day at his new school in San Diego. His parents just moved from Denver, and the teacher was asking him to introduce himself to the class. as he was doing this, a kid asked him who his favorite football team was. he quickly said that his mother was from denver, and his father was from denver, so that made him a broncos fan. so the teacher said that we're all from san diego, but we're not all charger fans. just then little timmy says " what if your mom where a hooker, and you're dad was in jail? what would you be then?" "oh, thats easy. then i'd be a raiders fan!"

 

We have a winner! Damn that was funny. Very, very wrong, but funny.

 

On a large cattle ranch a recent widow don't know what to do, her husband ran the big ranch and now his death left her with the option of selling the ranch or hiring a ramrod. She decided to try hiring a ramrod and advertised for one. She got a lot of applications and had narrowed it down to two men. One was a hard core drunk and the other was gay. She decided to go with the gay ramrod and not take a chance on the drunk even though he was well experienced. After 4 months the gay ramrod proved to be a very hard worker, and the ranch was doing very well. The widow told him to take the day off, go to town and let loose, enjoy himself, he earned it. Well, the gay ramrod did just that and she was getting pretty worried, it was 3am and he still didn't get back. She was drinking a martini and sitting up when he finally pulled in about 4am. He came in the door drunk as hell and she stood up and told him, I want you to remove my jacket and he did slowly, and then she said, now I want you to take off my blouse and he unbuttoned her blouse and laid it on the chair, then she said now, remove my bra which he did. She took another drink of her martini and said now take off my boots and he did that, and then she said remove my wranglers which he did. She then said now take off my panties which he did and laid them on her clothes. She took another drink of her martini and said "Now get your ass to bed and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again youre fired".

 

Definition of a "GAY Irishman"... Is one that loves the Women more than his Whiskey...!!!!!

 

In the garden of Eden God tells Adam that for an arm and a leg he can have a creature that will wait on him hand and foot, be obediant, faithful, provide him with food, shelter, and all the sexual favors he demands. After a moment Adam asks God- "What can I get for a rib?"

 

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!", fired back Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..."See what you get for five bucks!?"

 

This is an old one but one of my favorites,

President Clinton is out jogging one winter when he sees something that stops him in his tracks. Written in the snowbank, in giant yellow letters, are the words,"Bill Sucks" He is really mad! He calls the secret service, the FBI and the CIA to investigate. "I want to know who wrote that." he demands. Well after much investigation and money spent they come to him with their findings. Sir, we have good news and bad news. Well what is it the President asks. It's Newt Gingrich's urine, but it's Hillary's handwriting..