TEST your KNOWLEDGE...tool definitions...True hot rodders ONLY

I don't know if this has been on here before but I thought it was funny.

True Tool Definitions

a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly ******ing flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light where you will never find them. Also removes fingerprint swirls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads or making neat blood blisters on the palm of your hand.

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

f. VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Also called the "Gas Wrench". It is used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly used for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 that socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your dropped axle, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a hydraulic jack handle.

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters received by a 2x4.

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

m. SNAP-ON GASKET S****ER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot. Also useful as a one-use screwdriver.

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

P. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

q. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

s. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

t. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

u. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

v. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

w. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive or newly painted parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

x. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.

 

Lmmfao.

T.out

 

KIRK!!! You forgot: Tape measure: tool that retracts when you're sure you've got the right measurement and then find it's too short after you've cut"...goes along with "measure once cut twice!"

AND another description for "Phone: use as emergency, place in toolbox, call tow truk/mechanic when broken down 250 miles from home."

R-

 

Mine goes more like...

I've cut it three times and it's still too short.

 

you forgot one:

y. RELATIVE BEARING GREASE: comes in cans, tubes, buckets. known to confound the uninitiated when asked to be found, always worth a laugh from the seniority. aka a left handed smoke wrench, keys to the sea chest, bucket of prop wash...

 

I don't have a funny definition for them but how about safety gl***es?

I once had a guy working for me that was grinding on a quarter panel . He wasn't wearing any safety gl***es and when I asked him why, he said that safety gl***es were for guys who had already gotten metal in their eye and since he'd never had metal in his eye yet, he didn't feel the need to wear them. He also admitted that he was too dumb and lazy to walk over and get them. As I was standing there pondering just what to say in response to his BS, he then proceeded to get a whole shower of sparks in the face. After he came back from the doc wearing an eye patch, I never ever saw him without the safety gl***es on again.

 

MIG Welder: A device that imparts to its owner (and those whom he may let borrow it) the newfound confidence to:

Blithely burn holes in sheet metal;

Ground the wire 14 times in a row;

Lay down enough heat and weld to warp the newly made bracket;

Lay down ****ty wleds and spend 1/2 hour to figure out you forgot to turn the gas on;

Blister paint you forgot was there;

Ignite the solvent soaked rag on the other side of the garage;

Pop the circuit breaker milliseconds after you start to lay down a bead;

Spin the electric meter like a roulette wheel;

Pit the windshield you spent hours searching for -hours driving to pick up- and hours earning the cash to pay for it - all because you forgot/didn't know/in too big a hurry to understand the damage of cold gl*** vs. hot sparks;

Shower aforementioned sparks directly off a bald head (that'd be me) and into the crack of the user's *** (again me).

And last, but certainly not least- said device will also run out of wire and or gas 3 minutes after the welding suppplier closes.

 

Thats pretty good stuff

 

Safety gl***es - Deflective devices that ensure smoltering grinding dust and sparks will fill the ocular region; also, retention cups (in conjuction with cheeks) for blazing red hot steel chips.

 

that is 100 percent accurate...

i especially like the floor jack and dropped axle problem...that really hits home...

 

Plasti-Gauge:

Cheap, Silly-Putty like measuring subs***ute guaranteeing 17 year old kids will have to spend another month uninstalling and re-rebuilding their "Rebuilt" junkyard shortblock.

Don't Ask Me How I Know.

 

Don't forget Anti-seeze, the mysterious product that you can put a speck the size of a fly turd on your finger, and it will magically transfer from your shoes all the way to your forehead.

 

AMEN, my brother, AMEN!!!!!!!

 

use a dime for a screwdriver. works in a bind. great on hose clamps. . Oh yes no one has used my favorite WIRE you can put anything together with any kind of wire. I have even used the barbed type in a pinch. This going to be a fun thread.. Bobby..

 

hahahahga

 

Dont forget:

MASKING TAPE: Great for masking out cool designs and leaving a crisp edge. Leaves even COOLER trace of where tape WAS by removing chunks of paint it was stuck to.

BENCH VISE: Handy tool for delivering those hard to come by "shark teeth" groove impressions on your part you so carefully have kept smooth.

RAIN-X: Works superb in downpours, showers or storms. ****s open *** in light drizzle or road spray, resorting to use the damn wipers anyways.

SCENT "TREE": Perfect when plastic wrap is open a crack for the pleasant aroma in your car to cover the recently spilled booze. But.. uh ooo... dont pull the plastic cover off at once or youll need to open ALL the windows for 3 to 4 days.

SHOP RAGS: The all purpuse grime fighter for you and your project. But forget hoping itll pick up ANY liquid.

 

I wonder how many times I've forgot to turn the gas on. AND I always run out of gas 12:02 Saturday afternoon.

 

OK so funny I almost spit my coffee onto my keybopard laughing...

 

hahahahaha

 

that is gerd-dang fun-a

 

Hahaha this is funny ****...all my specific tool definitions involve trips to the ER...
And some great quotes from ER docs and nurses...

Mig Welder....the reason I quit wearing my wedding ring...After they cut it off....after my finger swelled up to 4X its original size....2 days after a molten piece of steel burned into my ring,proving that gold does,indeed,conduct heat very well...
The 90 year old who checked me into the ER...." 2 days ago?You want to lose that finger?How about your whole hand? Are you always this stupid?"

Sawzall,specifically the little blade guard..Y'know,the thing you push sideways when the cut goes off center..The guard that then ****s your thumb into that space between the reciprocating parts,and crushes it into mush...
9 hours later,when no amount of duct tape will slow down the bleeding,I drive to the ER..

"Mr.Winters,have you ever heard of a blood infection? Do you think you'll ever need this thumb again?What's all this stuff inside your thumb?It looks like metal of some sort...Do you have metal INSIDE of your thumb?NINE HOURS AGO??? Did you forget where the ER was??"
Doc,it's just a ****ing thumb..Isn't that what s***ches are for?And while I'm here,can you tell me why it hurts so ****ing bad?

5 shots in my hand,1 in my shoulder,and a big one in my *** later,he tells me I can quit crying now,it's all put back together...Musta been a slow night in the ER,that's why all the docs stood at the window laughing at me as I walked out...

Cheap *** MIG welder...the reason my opthamologist drives a BMW....after replacing my lenses with plastic,after that POS misfired one time too many,and fried my eyes,leading to cataract surgery,while I was in my 30s.

"Gee.Mr. Winters,aren't you awfully young to be having cataract surgery? Here,let me check your vitals before we get started"
Why yes,I am,thanks for asking..oh,by the way,the next nurse or doc who tells me I'm too young to have cataract surgery is gonna get decked ...

Rusty metal general category.... the reason for thr potential world wide shortage of tet**** shots??? because I seem to take them like most people take ****ing vitamins..
"Mr.Winters,do you have any idea when you last had a tet**** shot ?"
Why yes,I do....it was last week,about this same time....in fact,I was sitting in the same exam room when I got it...

The part i hate the worst??
Walking into the ER...they look up,think for a second,puzzled look on their face..
"Weren't you just here?"

 

DISK GRINDER - Throws sparks 25 feet to the battery you have on trickle charge causing it to explode. The lady at Sears said that's the first Die Hard I've ever seen do that, I'll get it replaced for you free. (I forgot to mention the sparks)

 

Also good for turning you into a human porcupine and repels bare foot wives and kids from the garage.

 

another good story for Disc Grinder: a guy i worked with a few years ago was outside wearing coveralls in the winter cleaning up some welds he had done and for some reason had the metal a little to close to himself and he hit the cratch of his pants with the grinding wheel and it wrapped itself up in his coveralls. Luckilly it didnt do any damage.

39

 

LMFAO! all of them are so true! i would return the battery too. lol they dont know anybetter.

 

Great additions!

 

4 1/2 disk grinders..., great for removing metal and loose clothing... (Right down to the Belly!!!)

 

Lathe: device used to demonstrate to fourteen year old apprentice machinists, exactly why nobody else in the shop wears a long sleeve shirt.

 

Now I know why I like this place.

 

Electric Hand Drill: Device that takes two years to cut a hole but just when it seems you are through it grabs and twists your arm into unbearable pain.