No posts from me in awhile - but you are gonna LOVE this one: DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly ******ing flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whirls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop alight. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack SNAP-ON GASKET S****ER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. INSPECTION LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50c part. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit. JESUS CLIP: A retaining ring usually found on carb linkages and door handles. When it is pried-off the shaft it is retaining, it simultaneously pops-out of the tool you used to grip it and flies-off to that place under the bench where the wire wheel (see above) throws everything! All you can do is utter the Lord's name in vain (see "expletive", below) and go to the junkyard to find another one - they generally cannot be found in stores... CRAFT KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as new seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight
Great tools, I have or have had all of them. My Dad was a Ford mechanic and used the term Jesus clip in refering to the carb clip. I have used it many times and everyone sez, What is that? I thought he coined the phrase. Never heard it used by anyone else.
Smile. This list appears every couple of months-in fact, I posted it myself once. The last time it appeared was here: http://www.jalopyjournal.com/forum/showthread.php?t=91080&highlight=Tool+definitions Still,it is funny,and I always re-read it anyway. Thanks.
Yeah it's made all the way down from funny to just a chuckle. I wonder what it'll be next week because we know someone is going to post it again....
are those the left handed or right handed ones? I always thought a phillips screwdriver was o.j. , vodka , and milk of magnesia My dad always called them jesusu clips too. he carried a spare or two in the glove box and said they were to "savior" *** when one broke! R.R.
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