"Ya better get a bigger gun, I'm NOT DEAD YET!!"

Ha Ha Ha Ha....so I looked up to the Heavens, and I fucking LAUGHED!!!

Is that ALL you got??? The very fucking WORST that you could throw at me???

Ha! CHICKEN SHIT!!!! You fucking LOSE, Bitch!!!

Talking, of course, to that insufferable BITCH known as Fate and her little cunt of a sister, Circumstance! They conspired to beat me today and got smacked down cold...OH YEAH!!!

Let's back up the story here a bit and fill in some details. We'll start with the setting.

For those who've never been here, Michigan is the Shithole State...we boast the WORST roads in the nation, the worst weather, and the Metro Detroit area is the worst part of the whole stinkin' STATE. So, it comes as no great surprise that this dismal setting should be the Battleground where this personal war would be fought tonight!

It started at a nice, friendly cruise night...which goes on every Thursday at an American Legion hall in Livonia. Usually an excellent turnout, and though tonight was a LITTLE light in attendance, it was still a good time. I met and talked to many older guys who appreciated the unconventional way that my Chevy had been built. It was kind of shocking, really...they hovered around the car all evening, pointing out this or that detail to each other and asking questions about my set up.

One guy recalled seeing DirtyT's Chevy there LAST week, and I informed him that he was refering to my Bro's car. Two of the seasoned rodders looked at each other and one said "Damn! These guys are gonna kick some serious ass when they grow up...look what they're doing ALREADY!". We all laughed, it was a genuine compliment, and the guy who uttered it owns SEVERAL cool older cars, all of which he built himself. He was sportin' his 41 Buick tonight.

After a pleasant time chatting with several different folks about my car (you'd think they'd never seen a Citation motor in a Fleetline before!), I set up my skateboard and drawing supplies and worked on a couple cartoon car drawings. I did one of my car, and one of TTDoldson's 63 Dodge...even though he left before it was done!

A few people peeked over my shoulder as I sat drawing and complimented me on the renderings, but nobody asked me to do one for them. No biggie, I was hoping to make a few bucks, but I had a good time anyway. (And TT, the picture came out awesome...you'll freak when ya see it!).

Then the Rain came!

Not just a cute little rain shower, but a royal Michigan Full Fuck You Thunderstorm! I had gotten about a mile away from the event when it cut loose. Hmmm...driving home in a downpour with wind, thunder and lightning in a car with rear brakes only and no wipers.

It could have been hairy, but the car was gonna have none of it! To keep me from even thinking of driving ANY main road the 15 or more miles home, it just decided to shit the trans out as we were rolling away from a light. Slipping like a motherfucker to insure it wouldn't have to go over 5mph. Pussy!

By trying different gear positions, I found it would grab in first gear only, and hold up to maybe 7 or 8 miles per hour. That meant taking side-streets the whole way home...a long way to go, and GUTTER ROAD would have to be involved.

It was slow going, but we made steady progress. Not alot of traffic on the sidestreets, so I didn't get in anyone's way too often. Still Gutter Road loomed ahead...if we made it that far.

Gutter Road (as I've long called it, a play on it's actual name of Gulley Road) is not even a ROAD. The pavement is shattered, cratered, split, dropped, and just plain missing in huge chunks. It's challenging terrain for Jeeps, yet alone passenger cars built in the 40s! I told the car as we creeped along ever closer to Gutter Road, that if she didn't get her shit straight and find me more gears, we'd be FORCED to ride that strip of miserable Hell...and I wouldn't back down!

After a long, hot ride, we were there, and my God, it's gotten WORSE! Did I mention Mount Motherfucker? It's a bridge/hill combo on Gutter Road, a steep grade designed to MELT wounded transmissions as you crawl over broken hunks of concrete in the driving rain.

The rpms raced and the noises coming from the tranny told me it was reaching Critical Mass...but we finally, slowly crested the hill and began our bone shattering descent over jagged shards of busted pavement towards the last major intersection we'd have to cross.

Damn the torpedoes, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!

Bouncing and jolting over another half mile or so of nearly impassable terrain, we arrived at the next challenge...the raging storm had washed out the road ahead. Fuck it. Let's see if the old girl can SWIM!

It wasn't THAT deep, maybe eight or ten inches at most. The water coming through holes in the floor would find it's way back out the same way...eventually. I held me left foot up and kept pressure on the throttle with my right. The hissing, burbling noises adding to the wounded cries from the trans didn't phase me at this point...I wasn't letting up till we got HOME!

The flooded area wasn't more than 150 yards across, and we got through it, as steam rolled from under the car and water dripped and receded back through the floor.

Headed into the final stretch...looking good now!

But wait...THIS road is washed out, too...and the flood waters are wel up over the curb on both sides of the street. Who gives a fuck, right? At this point the transmission is SMOKED, I'm dead broke, have no way to fix the car or make a dime towards repairs, so I really just laugh and press onward. Who KNOWS if Reverse would work, so I elected to soldier on!

A Lincoln Navigator stopped on the other end of the flooded area...and backed up to turn around. What a fucking PUSSY! I laughed...and headed into the water from my end.

I played for the middle...why not take the deepest section on? If you're gonna go...go BIG! Ha Ha Ha...fuck it all now, anyway...I was laughing hysterically at this point!!

An unknown man standing at the water's edge surveying the situation as the rain subsided made my day for me. As I creeped past with water gushing in and splashing and hissing off the drivetrain, he raised his arm and gave me a solid "thumbs up". I grinned, returned the gesture and GUNNED it. The rpms soared, the engine bellowed through the dual pipes and the car emerged from the water still mobile! Fuck yeah, Thumbs Up for SURE!!!

A few blocks after that, and I pulled up in front of my house, parking the old gal for what will likely be the last time. We made it, despite all odds, and the many attempts by Fate and Circumstance to thwart us, we gave them the throbbing Middle Finger and bloodied their fucking noses for them! If that was the BEST they got, they weren't SHIT!

I had plenty of time on the LONG, hot ride home to think about things. How this car and I came together and the obstacles we hurdled together as I slowly dragged it from dead rustbucket to roadworthy status. We not only got through the build process, we DROVE to Billetproof and showed the world we'd DONE it! Even as the trans blew and the odds stacked high against us, we STILL took on everything that came our way and made it through the rain, to form a Manilowism there!

So, really...who knew, and who CARES if the thrill of Victory was to be short lived? We got further than MANY ever thought we would, and THAT is priceless! As I looked down at the dash after switching the ignition off tonight, I grinned at the "Fuck Trailer Queens" sticker on the bottom of the speedo. Ha Ha Ha..."Build it...DRIVE it!" it goes on to say. Yeah, Buddy...no matter WHAT!!!

Now, here we are at the end of this saga. I have NO car, no job, no money, and I really don't give a flying fuck at this point! Ha Ha Ha! Really, who the fuck can beat me NOW???!!!

I am SO Danny Glover at this moment...

(...looking at the crowd of alien Predators that quietly surrounded him as he pounded the last ounce of life from one of their fellow warriors...he drops his weapon, looks around and says..."Okay...who's NEXT?"!!!)

That's the fucking SPIRIT, Man!!!!

Or...maybe it's more of a Captain Biptoe thing...the bungling Martian warlord who REFUSES to see the futility of his plans for World Domination...his fellow Martian underlings try to explain it to him...

"Look, there are FIVE of us, and roughly fourteen billion of THEM! They've got Stategic Air Command, Nuclear missles and John Wayne. We've got...THIS!" (Holding up a single laser rifle)

The Captain looks eagerly at the rifle and exclaims cheerfully "Is it LOADED?"!!!

Yeah, Butch and Sundance Syndrome!!!!

 

damn...thats all i got to say...

 

Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!?


Hell No!!!

 

I think I must tip a beer to you. You deserve it.

 

damn hack.....i'm fightin' back the tears here man.


ROCK ON !!!!

 

Dude get another tranny and put the bitch in there. Someone will give you another one of those crappy metric trannies....

 

Damn man you make me laugh and smile at the same time...
if i ever meet you first round is on me

 

For the time it would have taken ME to type all that i would have had the trans out, even in the rain....haha

I drive my stuff the same way, all or none. Good job man

 

Fuck that was a mouthful !!

 

what the fuck! 2 giant transmission coolers and a dead fucking trans? could it just be the vacume modual i know your pissed and dont want to hear what it could be but it must be fixed ill see if i can come by tommrow and we can put our heads together....

 

how did you manage to destroy the transission?
them crappy little transmissions can't be that much loot its got to sit forever again
pimp yourself off to old women and I'm sure you'd get enough for a replacement

 

Sorry to hear that Gregg, I wonder if that car is just too heavy for that trans.

 

no way in hell that thing weighed more then a s-10 it came out of. there 3100 wet and stock his car is rust and holes and the 2.8 weighs as much as the stock trans and rear end

 

Germans...?

Don't stop him now..., He's on a role...!!!!

 

Wow! You had quite a night! Hope you can throw something else in there and get it back on the road! I enjoyed seeing it at Billetproof!

 

It's an 'Animal House' movie reference, and quite fitting I might add.

 

I was pissed when you quit the first time. I was then made happy.

If you quit now, I'll never forgive you. I'm sure that thru HAMB connections, all of humpty-dumpty's men can put your bitch back together again.

 

Also, I can make you a deal on a 460/C-6. If you add front brakes, I'll bet you can make that bitch scream.

 

"Don't stop him now, he's on a roll" was what came after that line in Animal House...

That reminded me...the other night I caught "My Science Project" at the most incorrect moment...that I never forgot.

They're chasing electricity (realistic as that is) thru power lines along a desereted road, in a 1970 Goat, that has a supercharger (blower) sticking thru the hood.

The first thing, a high school kid with a blower. Yeah, right. Even in 1985.

The second thing, a co-actor saying "hit the blower" and the actor (driver of the GTO) flipping a toggle switch on the dash. In the next shot we see the 3-hole blower come to life...as if hitting a switch like nitrous engages a blower...ugh.

Okay, back to FatHack's crappy trans...

 

Look fucker, Tell me what you need a tranny out of, and I'll get you one. After all the shit we've BOTH been through on our cars, I'm not about to let you quit!

 

Oh man...as if the Citation motor wasn't enough...he's REALLY lost it now.

 

and like i said on the phone the motor will not have to come out. i have a sawzall and we can just make a removable crossmember no problem! im all pumped and want to get it done now!

 

You are a weird warped fucker. Please come to the drags.

 

I wasn't sure of the year...but thinking back, it did have dual quad headlights that weren't in an "Endura" bumper. You're right...but you got my point.

I was worried cause you started talking all crazy like you're gonna let the Chevy languish now that it's let you down (kinda). Even with no funds, I bet thru the HAMB you can get it going again!

 

While you're at it, give the guy front brakes...please...so we don't have to worry about him killing an innocent child.

 

I was right with ya Greg -till you threw in that fucking shitcricker COUNTRY Bullshit reference there!

Hell Im from a small farm town and I wont put up with that shit!!
OH back to you trouble with the trans....Try a new filter/clean fluid first it may resurect itself!

 

actually, there WERE blowers with clutches that you could engage/disengage! some new cars got something like that too. though, not roots type blowers as far as i know, but it's real simple for a centrifugal blower.


fathack, i don't know what to say but goddamn! you make me feel 100% better about the crazy things i do.

 

Yes these clutches were on Roots blowers as well...!!!

They incorporated the clutches from air conditioning compressors..., preferably ones that were used on Large cars and limos!

Maybe Fat Hack should run one of those clutches to drive his car down the road...???

 

Been busy at work and home, no time for HAMB lately. You'll get it back together in no time.

 

Damn, I've yet to see the thing! Next time mother C sends me to town, I gotta get to Dearborn!
Oh yeah, if you need parts from the Olds hauled from Freeport, ya got my number.